Prease Fastens Your Seats-Belts

So I am back to cool weather and clean air again, but it comes with a catch, and it is called work. This is the only obligatory touristy shot that I did. Since the last time I was there, Beijing has become much more chaotic and polluted and crowded, no thanks to the mad rush towards the Olympics. The food is still good though, and it is still cheap as ever. I can't say I can agree with some of the crazy things they do though, such as having someone to dress up as an emperor and standing on the Forbidden City Main Gate to do the Evita-wave. C'mon, this is one of the greatest architecture in human history, it's not Disneyland, it doesn't need cheesy gimmicks like this to draw in the crowds! Besides, the square in front of that gate was used for execution in the olden days, not for the emperor to greet his subjects, nor was it for camel rides (duh!). And yes, please stop eating dogs too! And the sorry sight of those deep-fried starfish and seahorse on sticks (all sad and curled up), geez, it looks as though they died a really painful death. How could anyone (or how does one) eat those things??

Those aside, the greatest reward for this trip is seeing the really, almost incredibly, adorable Amanda. Even though I went straight from the airport to the hospital and waited aimlessly on the couch with a bad flu, no thanks to the screwed up weather in Singapore, it was worth the trouble. Makes me feel old being an uncle, but I guess that's worth it too. I am planning my next trip already.

And just like the movie 'Junebug', the arrival of baby Amanda exposes the fragile family dynamics as hidden resentments and anxieties surface, as well as the breaking down of unnecessary facades. It's been an enriching trip, in both cities, in all ways. It is no doubt tiring, with too much conversations and meetings and dinners and drinks and all, but it is all very real, very stimulating, very strange even. And yes, there were too many people unravelling in front of me too. From mum to friends to my sister-in-law to her mum even. I am amazed at how I dealt with it all, really.

If I had the means, I would seriously consider doing a psychiatry course. Sure beats this CB science-tist position that I am having now. And two of my close friends figured that the reaosn why people are flocking to pour their woes to me is that because I don't judge, and that I never hold anyone's past against them. Either that or others think I am a bloody himbo who wouldn't have a clue what they are ranting about and all they ever needed is just a pair of listening ear and no intelligent feedback is required. Whichever the case is, I am destined to run this course of being the unoffcial Uncle Agony. Maybe I could establish a career as a Catholic priest specialising in attending to confessions. Yeah, sure, whatever.

I dare say I was very composed, logical and sensible and confident and genuine, very different from how I have been these past few months, which I have lost it somehow. This is how I have always been, or suppose to be, the level-headed and optimistic Julian. It is almost an awkwardness on its entirety that I have to be away from my daily life to regain my sanity and confidence. Maybe being in the presence of fanily and very close friends does help in a way too.

So everything leads to this, what I have done and who I really am today. I remember all the days and the years, but now I feel that everything is somewhat arbitrary, the overseas job, the pay, the PhD, the travelling, the fine food and fancy clothes and the polished image. They are only choices, one thing and then another, yes or no, and I could see how almost easily I could slip out of this life, these empty and arbitrary comforts. I could simply leave it and return to my other life, where my brothers and my stint as a scientist and Melbourne do not exist, where there is only the essence of me, a boy grown into a man, still full of hope, still capable of anything.

Reading my diaries that I have recovered from the storeroom in Bishan was quite an experience. It was especially so during those boring hours on flights. Some things were simpler and even more trivial then, but I guess it's all a matter of relativity. It's not to say my life is any better than then. Be it five or seven or even ten years ago, there are some recurring issues that never seem to go away, and there are always the unfulfilled dreams.

The unfulfilled ones aside, all I ever wanted when I was 18 was to lose weight, get rid of my acne, make it through my diploma, survive the military, and join Singapore Airlines so that I could see the world and experience life. I was envious of people who are always travelling, even to places like Beijing and Sydney even. I have been to all those places now and many more, and I was thinking about all these while being a passenger on an SIA plane. I couldn't help but think that I was almost an aircrew. I s'pose I still think about it every now and then. After all, in that other life, I have no other ambition other than being an air steward.

So yes, that is the other life, a life where I would have signed the contract and would still be going around the world now, where the airports will be my office while the cabin will be my lab. But that's the other life.

I have now come back to this one and it has never been an easy one..

So all in all I had a good trip, albeit the bad air and crazy people in Beijing. I am beginning to miss the yum cha there but I certianly don't miss the pages of dog dishes in the menus. With the meetings with the in-laws (read: Village People, and yes, that stupid song rang in my head whenever I see them) and the dirty toilets and the dust and smog and rude people, I am glad I packed my sense of humour in too.

As for those few days in Singapore, I had a good time too. Maybe I let myself go too much in terms of good food and clothes shopping, but that's me when I am happy. I miss my friends but I wish some of them will go easy on the whole status and money thing. Just look at what money has done to our family, all the rivalry, the angst, the jealousy and the ultimate sorrows. Just make what is enough and make the best out of it. Of course everyone could do with more money but when does the chase end? So it's best to take it easy and let it slide most times. Overall well-being and contentment is just as important in life too.

So yes, maybe I have left my heart in a crazy, busy city the day I was born. And maybe that explains my compounding boredom here. Melbourne is still good to me, that's for sure, but I know I certainly need more most times.

Around My Head

All packed and online check-in done. Finally.

Chasing Cars, a song by Snow Patrol that has been put on loop on my playlist, even at this very moment.

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

That’s the whole point of two people being together really. Just being together, getting lost in their own private universe, them against the world. Of course there are all the nitty gritty bits such as work and bills and social responsibilities and all, but they always have each other to return to, and that’s all that matters. So maybe after such a long time, I can finally answer that question as to why I was so smitten by that person. I could simply forget the world when we were together, like literally lay there and just forget the world, like this song. It was a good feeling, too bad it wasn’t meant to be, and too tragic that I will never have the same feeling with the same person ever again. I could almost go into my silly mood again just writing this, but I won’t.

There was a silly article on love at first sight and chemistry and fireworks and all. At least now I know it does really happen and I am not alone in this. But why only now do I get to experience this? Does it mean that all the people I have been involved with don’t matter at all? So was I fooling myself all along then?

I will be home soon. It will be good to see my friends again, friends who have shared a long history with me. And yes, I will be okay, not great, but okay. I just wish I have more time in Singapore though, but I s’pose Beijing is the main destination for this trip. It is a crazy city, but simply because of that, it will be a nice change of vibe for me. I almost don’t mind the crowds and the noise and the pollution even.

I have all these thoughts in me that I want to pen down but am suddenly getting a block at the moment. I am traveling alone yet again, I guess it’s not a big deal really, considering I don’t even remember when was the last time I actually flew with someone I know. Since my break from traveling in March, it’s good to travel again. My vision and thinking has clearly been narrowed down by recent events. I am even ready to go to Chicago again in December to do some work if I could squeeze it between moving house and Christmas. Maybe the idea of having snow up till my waist could be strangely exciting even. More trips, more escapades, more experiences, more me time. Sounds like a good life, maybe I don’t dispute that one bit.

Life is nothing but an experience, indeed it is. But too much of something is never good though. You gain some, you lose some. You get tired, you get jaded and you might even get bitter. I don’t know where in the path am I in now actually.

Oh yeah, I am also on an one-man mission to eat as many grilled stingrays in Singapore as possible to avenge Steve Irwin’s death.

Work this week has been a nightmare with everyone squeezing as much out of me as possible before I go. My research for Honours year is finally to be published after two bloody years. Reading through my thesis after all this while, I almost don't recognise it anymore. And of course, the final model for GST is completed, yay! Maybe it should be the new rainbow flag.

Shopping this week (not for myself) could almost match the price of my ticket up to Beijing. I'll try not to think about it.

This week also brought upon a chance meeting with a beautiful stranger, the most beautiful stranger I have ever met in fact. A face more beautiful than that will almost be obscene, really. We had a good time, silly fun and conversations. Shallow as it may sound, I feel flattered somewhat. Whatever it is, this story will be on hold till the end of the month when I get back.

Spring in Melbourne, (perpetual) summer in Singapore, autumn in Beijing, all sound pretty swell to me.

So maybe, for this time, I really do have to travel halfway ‘round the world to regain my footing again. I have to, since I need all the inspiration and motivation to start looking for a place to move once I return. Of course, the lazy side of me is still hoping that someone I know will just offer me a place and ask me to be a housemate, but the stronger part of me is saying I can do it, despite all the effort and expenses needed. I just have to bite the bullet on this one. I will spare no effort in looking for a housemate that’s for sure. I am all ready to live on my own again.

I don't know why, but everytime I take a trip, I have this thinking I might never return, or never want to return. It's amazing how time flies, especially these past few months that I have been living in a trance. I can't seem to remember anything, except two incidents, one of my work and one of that person. They are recurring though, but I'll deal. I still want to quit my job on some days but I won't. I want to say hello sometimes but I did not, not that I know how to begin doing so anyway.And because of the fact that I always have the crazy idea of a one-way trip, I could almost wish to see the person again but that's just a thought that will never be transformed into an action.

Sometimes, it's hard to believe we are no longer friends anymore. I almost forget that on some days but somehow, I always do. It's very surreal. Like now, I thought I would drop a friendly note but instead, I will say goodnight to myself and till whenever, I will have many wishes and hopes and thoughts gathered from this trip ahead. After all, I am bringing my pocket journal along this time.

As Much As I Want To

I really can't help it.

“There is a delivery for you on the shelves in the loading bay.
Friday 1st September 2006 @ 11:11.”

A note on my desk on Friday morning. A specific time, a moment in time, one moment in your world. An exact moment, just 60 seconds of it, can make you stop in your track and remember everything all over again.

And it was just the night before that I dreamt about the person again after a long time. Blame it on the big bowl of ice-cream I had before bed but the documentary on SBS on human trafficking was just so intense so what do you do but simply give in to the temptation of having such a wonderful comfort food?

The dream was all too bizzare. Toa Payoh Lorong 8 is right across from Lorimer Street and the person now lives in a dingy HDB flat in Toa Payoh and so do I who is the direct neighbour with an equally squalid flat and I was having a ciggie out in the common corridor one night when I saw the person with another guy and came a line 'you don't have to do this JT' which I don't quite understand at all but before I could say anything they had already returned to the flat and blanking me out right there. Both of them looked very much older and haggard while I was in my army fatigue and I still remember I actually looked down at my tag that says 'Alan Tang'. It was so real and so vivid that I actually woke up with a jump and couldn't get back to sleep for about ten minutes.

It was all too strange and tiring even and I woke up feeling I haven't slept at all. I opened my eyes way past eight, still inhabited by the dream while carrying a sense of hollowness, and felt the dank sensation around me, the nowhere feeling, and I knew it would be another diffcult day ahead of me.

Still I made it through, the first day of spring it was. The change of a season with the passing of a spring shower too. A walk down Brunswick Street with music in my head and hands in my pocket as always on that very warm afternoon. A street I have walked up and down countless times, in different seasons, in different moods and with different company, but I still enjoy it most when I am walking alone. The sense of familiarity is great, and the juxtaposition of squalor and glamour makes it a street like no other. I suppose this is the one street that will matter to me if I do leave Melbourne someday.

Another weekend, bringing upon the chance to have yet another fleeting encounter in the physical sense with another human being. Another two in fact, this time. They are becoming as insignificant and meaningless and as redundant as success is to me now, but we still want them. I am a man with needs after all. I walked away feeling lesser, as such encounters never amount to anything in the end, and they are not suppose to anyway. I am well aware of that. I am still playing by instincts, I always do, and I always know I do. All it takes is just one meeting, and you know it, I know it. I might get myself burned badly one day by trusting my heart so much, maybe I already have. After all, it took just one line from that person the first time we met and my world has been turned topsy-turvy ever since.

I don't know any better anymore if it is better or worse to work this way. It is good in a sense that I do know momentary gratifications will never be enough to replace what is missing inside of me and that what I felt for the person was as true as it is lasting and it was never just a silly infatuation. There is not such a thing, at least not anymore, as using one person or another or more even to flush that one person whom matters to me out of my memory. It is never like that, and should never be like that. It just doesn't feel the same, and I know it. My five senses will never lie, maybe six even. So yes, even after all these months, I am not even gonna begin to lie to myself that I could use convenient substitutes to make myself feel better. It won't work.

It is unfair to others, and I would not want to muck anyone over the same way I have been mucked over. Or maybe I had done it before already, but I am trying not to recall. I've treated people badly at times in relationships and maybe what's happening now is some kind of payback for all those past lives.

And yes, it is bad, real bad, in a way that it all means I am still caught up as much as I am hung up as much as I am feeling the miss and the misery. There are too many what if's and expectations and silly little fantasies and wishful thinking. Only I know this, really.

Going halfway 'round the globe to move away from this spot I have been standing in is not something I have to do, it is something I am doing, because I am still alive and breathing and I, by all means, should still be responsible for my own well-being as much as I should continue to live my life.