You Just Know It

You know something is wrong when something is wrong, you just don't feel quite right. You know when you have a bad hair day. You know when you have a bad dress day. You know when something and/or someone is bothering you. You know when you just not in the mood to do anything.

I am all of the above today. Bits of my hair stick out for no apparent reason. My sweater went well with my shirt but not my jeans. I have a couple of issues constantly on the back of my mind and there is a friend who has been pressing all the wrong buttons lately. There is like is sense of unease and frustration compounded by all the phone calls and conversations I have been having, not to mention all the incessant planning and shopping and packing to prepare for my move.

The bad thing is, other than feeling annoyed and restless and all, I am hardly feeling anything else at the moment. The same goes for work, which is just one long motion going in accordance to my duties and my role and of course the paychecks that come every fortnight.

I still have a few things I want to accomplish, be it professionally or personally, before the year comes to a close. In my context, the year will end in just six weeks time since I will be away for the rest of the time till the next year. And again, however much I put my heart and mind into them, some matters are not entirely up to me. Some takes two, some takes three, or five even and some are just simply a matter of luck and fate.

This is the awkward and torturous period, when I know heaps will happen in the very near future but not these two to three weeks. I want the events to unfold, explode in my face even, anything at all, as long as they bloody happen. Not just with me, but with the people around me, the projects around me, and of course, with the family that I have fully reconnected.

And in my life currently, the most ironic thing is that the more new friends I make, the more I miss my old friends. Not just friends, even characters who have come and go in the past, recent or yonks ago. I want to reconnect with some of them too, particularly two people. I don't know how to begin, or follow through even. The intention is always there, but maybe it will just remain there.

So all these events ahead, major and overwhelming they may be, it's very strange that I could think about them with not much emotions really. The big move, the big farewell to my two hosuemates, three of us will be in three different cities, the big shift of dynamics in the family, the big trip ahead, the idea of living in one place and sleeping in another, the killer rent, the possible arrival of a good friend and/or dad, the big concert and lastly, the big year of living on my own ahead. I should feel pretty crazy, but I don't. I just want them to happen, can't wait for them to happen, is all.

So I thought it would be nice if someone were to rope me in as a housemate so I don't have to go through all the hassle and expenditure. That did happen, and as unexpectedly as it happened, I actually turned it down. I don't know if it's right to choose to live alone, but it just doesn't feel right having a flatmate again. You know it somehow, that it's time to move on independently.

The clock will be tweaked an hour ahead come this Sunday, which means summer is almost here and that the sun will shine almost perpetually. Shorts and polo's one day, sweaters and jackets the next, the weather is all very odd at the moment. October going into November rushing forward (I hope) to December, the year is indeed zooming by.

And then I realised, or get reminded rather, that I have to help myself before I can help others. It's just like those aircraft safety instructions, where you have to put an oxygen mask over yourself before helping others.

At times, most times, it still makes me cringe to think about what happened during that period last season. I am so not proud of it. I wish I could travel back and give myself two tight slaps there. I have to forgive myself on this one, no good reason to though, but I have to. Time in my life and distances in my travelling will be on my side, and that will never be taken away from me no matter what.

And speaking of which, a friend found a mail that I sent to her more than four years ago, on the interpretation of our names in Italian, when I was reading the language. It's all very true, eerily true in fact. On a superstitious note, was my fate twisted from the day I changed my name, or was it fate that twisted me to change my name?

"The name of Giuliano gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature. You stick stubbornly toyour ideas or decisions, in spite of any appeals or advice; you are not willing to accept a compromise. You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others. This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression. When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed. Although you realise perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way. You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing. Your friendships and personal associations are rather restricted, being limited to those of a similar nature who can understand and accept your rather straightforward yet reserved manner. You are steadfast and loyal, and do not allow gossip or anything belittling to be said against those whom you accept in friendship. There is originality and depth of thought contained in this name, particularly along practical and mathematical lines. This name can adversely affect the health of your respiratory organs, the heart and lungs. Also, you are prone to suffer from weaknesses centering in the head."

Letters and Words

Oy bro,

The conclusion of another weekend, and it's back to the grind tomorrow. It's funny how you asked when I am gonna complete my PhD, cos I was dreaming about work these past coupla nights, specifically my research project. That's not good at all, so much so that I was actually grinding my teeth in my sleep resulting in a massive toothache right now. I couldn't chew properly these two days, hence I didn't enjoy food like I normally would. It must be payback for all the good food that I had in Beijing and SG. In any case, the earliest I could submit my thesis is 3 years from now, as I am a part-time candidate.

Just came back from the airport picking up my housemate who got back from Sapporo. Another one got back from Brisbane a coupla nights ago. Recounting our trips, I realised I actually had a pretty good trip this time round, despite all the family drama and unraveling of people and the bad air and the chaotic
nature of Beijing. And yes, corny as it may sound, I did enjoy my time with you tremendously, albeit all the 'battles' that we have to survive through. Having a Jap dinner this evening, I kinda missed that night we had at that restaurant, when I was so honest with my words and discussion regarding these few years that
I have gone through here in Melbourne. Of course, above all, I am missing the prices of food in Beijing too : )

I am having a sense of deja vu now, with regards to around the same time last year when I got back from a long trip to the States, doing four cities over a period of over a month, slotting in a hurricane in between. What I meant was, going through all the shit and dealing with all the tiring people everyday sorta numbed me and allowed me to just let things slide. But after stepping away for a while, I kinda feel totally weary to be facing them again and I can't help but have the enough-is-enough feeling. You don't realise how much you loath certain things/people until you come back to them after a break. Last year, it was my situation with the ghetto house and my pot-smoking, tree-hugging housemate. This year, it's my work and some people in my life that I should have gotten rid of long ago. So yes, I have done some 'cleaning up', and within the one week I was back, I must say I have done a fair bit already. I don't know if it's right of me to do so, but it just feels right at the moment. Don't we all have to trust our instincts sometimes? This is of course contradicting my occupation as a scientist, but then again, I was never built to think and function like a scientist in any way at all.

Alrighty, over to you now.

I know this whole recurring temptation to have a divorce. I have heard it from you, from Gigi and from her mum even. I won't comment too much on this cos when it comes to divorce, no one can actually say too much cos it's too big a thing for others to 'advise' you. The same goes for marrying someone, quitting a job and leaving a country. The seriousness is too significant and no one could be held responsible for dishing out the wrong advise. One can only listen, and then decide to support the person carrying out the action, or not. In your case, all I can say is, divorce is not the solution. It may seem like so momentarily,
especially in a moment of impulse. But there will always be the responsibility, the products (in this case, Amanda, since you guys don't share any properties or car or joint account), the memories (it's always the good ones that hurt, not the bad ones), and the scars, not to mention the feeling of guilt and failure. I s'pose the litmus test is always stepping sway from it and then returning to it to see if you are still inspired to pick up the pieces and move on from there. It is not unlike the situation I am going through here. Some things, I am still inspired and motivated to salvage and to improve or to rectify, but for others, I simply just want to end them, discard them, or consciously kick them out of my life just so that I could feel better and to focus on improving my life.

So yes, our vision and thinking tend to be narrowed down tremendously when we are caught up in a situation and get stuck in a spot. In your case, you are stuck in a city that you have no wish to live in, caught up with family responsibilities that you are better off without, dealing with people (read village people aka YMCA, ha) that will only make you feel bad about yourself, and sad to say, also a wife that you seem to be having communication problems with. In addition, there are always the million sticky and annoying things that rush through your mind from the moment you open your eyes every morning, such as your business, your debts and your future, and yes, now Amanda's too.

The only thing I could offer you is, instead of me taking a trip up to Beijing in December, I could give it up so you could come here alone and spend some time with me, so that you could step away and regain your footing. That is, if things still aren't looking up for you and Gigi by then. In any case, I wouldn't support
the idea of encouraging you to leave your wife and your newborn to go to the other side of the globe to take a break. But if that is what it takes, then maybe it doesn't seem so ridiculous after all. Clearly, you are certainly not at equilibrium right now and you need to find your sense of balance again. I don't blame you for being knocked over by all these successive events as they are indeed overwhelming. Everything is exploding in your face and I could appreciate the stress you are going through. We are only humans, not superheroes, however much we choose to believe we are.

Anyway, take this opportunity to take a breather, since there is the holidays ahead and the arrival of Mr and Mrs Hamas. It should be good, it could be good, depending on you manoeuvre the course of events. I packed my sense of humour in when I headed up to your side, so you should have that handy too when you are having them around. It helps heaps.

Like I said before, we could always wish for 150 other things to be better in our lives, but what does that all mean in the end?

This may come across as fluffy in a time like this, but maybe, during this holidays, you should seize the chance to watch The Hours, and then read the book that I left you. Trust me, it will have an impact on you.

And yes, before South Pole, I would want to do Italy first. I don't want that dream to slip away too far from me, as it has already seemed to be.

It's late for me now. Time for bed.

JT

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Hey D,

So another mail, and I get to know more. And that's fine, at least I get a better understanding of the rut you are stuck in. And after this mail, I can safely say that you can't wait to be like before again, and that you would find the zest and inspiration to function and live like you had before the incidents, and hence all the effort to continue to run the clinic and to carry on your mum's passion in charity work and all.

The bottomline is, when something significantly unpleasant happened to us, we can't wait to return to 'normalcy', because by doing so, we can (at least) think that things are back to usual again and that we can say we have 'moved on'. But think about it, have we really? By getting on with life is logical and sensible, but never try to deny the fact that there will always be moments. Like I said before, it will be nice to have an on/off switch to our emotions, either that or we have the doctor in Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind. Truth is, both are fantasies. So yes, we have to get on with life and carry a sense of responsibility to
ourselves and the people around us (in your case, your family, your friends, your patients) since we CHOSE to live. Between living and dying, it is always a matter of choice. Everybody has contemplated
suicide at some stage, however morbid it may seem. But since we are still here, then we have to be fair. Not only to those closest to us, but even to people at the shops or on the road. Just think of all those illogical people who are perpetually angry or depressed and have this notion that everyone owes them a living. How silly are they? No matter what shitty things happened to us, or how bad a day we are having, no one owes us anything and no
one is to be held responsible solely.

All I want to tell you is, don't hurry yourself into feeling fine and 'normal' again, it will only wear yourself out further and maybe in a more extreme case, result in hating yourself more because you think you are 'so weak'. Work it slowly, never try to bend too much to the point of breaking. It happens to the best of us even. And so what if you never do return to exactly how you were before? Don't people change (sometimes even permanently) because of events and age anyway? Nothing is constant, certainly not how we feel within us nor is our character.

I used to beat myself up for losing my sense of optimism and humour and some of the other desirable traits I thought I had, but there's no denying with age and experiences and events both happy and sad, I have indeed changed, and may continue to. I wish I were the boy full of hopes and faith and surrounded by all the good things and people, but at where and who I am now, it is all very different from my dreams. It is all very depressing to think or to lament about it at times, because some lessons and scars will never be removed, but then again, I chose to live. And by doing so, I need that sense of hopefulness and cheerfulness and confidence. Even if I can't be filled up with them like before, at least I hold on to the minimal level required to press on.

So yes, talk to me and talk to yourself. Nobody is the strongest. I used to think I was invincible and cynical enough to endure the shit in this world but I was wrong. My recent example to you goes to show that I am
only human, and so are you. There is no such thing as a limitless tolerance for shit in life and for the passing of someone. Death is something irreversible, but your life is not. And as your friend of so many years, I really hope you will be fine soon. I won't use the word happy or great or fantastic, but at least just fine.

JT