Alright, this is probably the closest thing to having my own column. So yup, I'll enjoy all the attention while it lasts...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
J to the T
..to the A to the S, T, E, Y.
I have been a lot of things in my life, a college drop-out, an army boy, a hurricane evacuee, a telemarketer, an uncle but never an illegal immigrant. Just before my birthday this year, I made it in time to have a new role. It sounds kinda tragic, but I guess I am alright with it. I don't know how I ended up here, neither does my boss but somehow I made it. If I have to go home by next month then so be it. I will accept it readily. Such things you can only try, but can never fight them.
So it seems like the new year has taken a toll on a number of people I know. Everyone wants to have a new life for the new year. Changing jobs, taking long breaks, starting new relationships, ending old ones, being a new dad, relocating to another city, picking up new languages and moving houses. The latest got to be Vincent who wants to quit his job and come to Melbourne to sort out his life and his thoughts. A fruit-picking job is on the cards, but with a summer like this, it might not be such a good idea after all. He is welcomed to stay with me for a bit of course, but I reckon I am hardly a person to dish out any advice to him when it comes to decisions like these. Everybody has his little intervention in life at different stages. I guess I have one too many minor ones but never one that is major enough to move my lazy ass so to speak. Maybe the possible deportation ahead might just do it.
Philip got the big project in Shanghai, I am genuinely happy for him. It will be a new start for him and I hope that he will appreciate this chance that he has been given. If he muck this one up, I reckon that would be the end for him. Opportunities don't come knocking at your door everyday when you are 40. The paycheck he is getting is bigger than anything I can ever hope for if I remained in science, but I can live with that. I am alright with how much I am earning now, at least I still have my simple, hippie pleasures.
I don't know, I seem to be alright with a lot of things nowadays. Alright or numbed. The 4-figure phone bill gave me a little shock but I didn't dwell on it, all the favours my mum imposed on me I am okay with, friends coming over on nights I am in no mood to entertain I didn't say no, and a new person at work who seems to poke his nose into everything I do, I can handle too, for now. I am just so glad to have a my own haven to retreat to at the end of each day. At least I don't have housemates to worry about now.
I am just so physically drained these few days. Might be the heat, might be the rowing, or might be all the immigration stuff wearing me out. Maybe I have been doing a fair bit of thinking as well. Just like what May said, any life I have I would still think a lot about it. This is just me and probably the me who is making life more complicated than it should be sometimes. I don't know, I didn't choose this mind.
I didn't think I would end up being a scientist either, but that's another story altogether. Neither did I think a seemingly crappy song like Fergalicious will be on loop on my playlist and it is soon becoming my anthem, considering the context of the song, like no shit man.
They have probably showed Sleepless in Seattle like 50 times on TV, and I have probably watched it 50 times too. Same position on the couch just like that night when I watched it in Seattle, same emotions every time, same aftermath feelings each and every time. I am such a girl when it comes to movies, it's almost silly.
"you don't want to fall in love, you want to fall in love in movies"
A line from the film, a line so true maybe. Just like this line by The Killers, 'now don't be shy, let's cause a scene, like lovers do, on silver screen'.
I don't know, crazy as it may sound, I go ga-ga over such things. Only for movies and songs and maybe from people I truly adore. Other than that, I would probably cringe to death.
Do you believe in signs? Or are they just coincidences? The main theme for many movies and songs, including this one.
After all these years of my life, I s'pose I still believe in them. No matter what has happened before, no matter how many times I have been proven wrong, I guess I have to keep that faith in me.
There is always that question. Is is fate that we meet the people we meet? Or is it who we are that leads us to meet the people we do? I have many people that question before, and I s'pose I have never gotten a sure answer before. I am uncertain myself too.
Philip had his final round of interview today, three cities and four months later. Somehow, I feel the nerves for him too. It is a big job and if he gets it, I am sure it will turn his life around in a big way too. I am as excited over the arrival of Monday as he is when the verdict will be out.
So I managed to have a perfectly quiet Friday evening, having come home straight after dinner. I meant it this way, and I am glad I did it. I needed the time alone, not the entire weekend, but definitely for tonight.
Are you lonely? I was asked just yesterday. No, I don't think I am. Bored I may be, when I am at work on some days or when I am moping around in the house particularly during those lazy Sunday afternoons. Empty? Yeah, I must admit I do feel a tad of that at times. But then again, who doesn't feel empty from time to time? It happens to the best of us even. It happens to people who are seemingly happily attached or married too. It doesn't matter which city you are in either. It could be a city of 15 million or just 1 million. It's just too hard to fill up the soul sometimes.
I heard myself speak earlier this evening, that I will make a decision about my stint here by my next birthday. I appreciate all the opportunities and recognition given to me, but feeling is a funny thing. You could love something or someone madly one minute, but feel totally numbed the next, so to speak. It's just like that famous line in the movie Closer.
The grass is always greener. Seattle seems nice enough for me, so is Melbourne to a lot of people. You hear about people getting jobs in countries like Spain and Italy and all the far away exotic places. I feel envious sometimes but most times I don't. I mean, of course I want to get a stint like that too but I guess it takes a portion of hard work and another portion of fate and maybe a pinch of luck to make it all happen. So yeah, if I never get such a chance, then I don't, so be it.
I s'pose at this stage, I am happy to stay here or just go home. Either way, I am mentally prepared for it. As for all the logistics, I am sure that could all be worked out. I have done it before so it shouldn't be impossible to do it again I guess. Just as long as the inspiration is there.
There is only so much a person can plan I guess. Cliche and silly as it may sound, like I mentioned before, I still believe that destiny plays a part too.
To sum it all up, it's like a line from Sleepless in Seattle:
"you could make a million decisions and it wouldn't change a thing and suddenly, one day, you bought a sandwich, your whole life changes."
A song by Gwen Stefani on loop in my iPod at the moment. I guess the lyrics is kinda apt for me too.
So I survived my first day back, it is pretty surreal I must say. Everything seems so hazy and brown, literally. The weather is not exactly at its best at the moment in Melbourne. It was hard getting on that plane to come back. After all, I did have a really good break, albeit a tad of drama here and there. I've finally learn how to ski, and this trip took me to Mongolia too. My days in Singapore were reduced to a mere six days, as I was stuck in Beijing due to heavy snow. I miss my friends already, all of them, all different groups. My niece is really cute, she is just so adorable, big head, bubbly tummy and that endless fist-sucking action of hers. But I guess everything is cute when it is a baby, including tigers.
Coming to think of it, I have done a lot during this somewhat long trip. Hanging out with my brother 24/7 wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and I was even alright with all the drama and fights (literally again) with his in-laws. They are just so uncouth and unreasonable that I guess the fist works better on them than the mouth, there is just no point reasoning out in a civil manner. I am never the fighting type, considering my character and my build, but I guess I just had to protect myself as well as my brother. Luckily I didn't cop a black eye or something, that would have spoiled my trip rightly.
With all the noise and the crowds and the whirlwind of activities in China and Singapore, it makes it really strange to be back to good ol' sleepy Melbourne. Plus the fact that it is a new year, it makes it somewhat even more impressive. I can't really say I have had a good year, all things considered, but I s'pose I could leave it all behind and carry on from there. As for the family, there will always be effort to be put in and requests and demands to be catered to. I don't know how much more of it I can handle but I will take it one thing at a time. Afterall, I was the one who chose to reconnect with them fully. I can't help others before helping myself.
First day at work was nothing more than tons of paperwork, not much action at all. Be careful what I wished for though. Still, there is the trip ahead to plan and all. I have barely recovered from one and soon I will be flying halfway around the globe again. Surprisingly, I don't mind it one bit. If anything, I am actually looking forward to it.
Nope, there isn't any new year resolution at all, maybe to work a little harder and try not to get too involved with the crazy people in the lab. On the personal front, I will try to be more homebound, in order to save more money, be it for rainy days or for travelling. Basically just to keep it simple I guess, in all aspects.
Shufen will be here end of the month for The Killers gig, that should be fun. I have an excuse to do all the touristy stuff and maybe to go on a short trip too.
Bought heaps of crazy little things from China to decorate my place, guess I am getting more in touch with my heritage and roots as I get older. Oh yes, one year older by the end of next month. No big wishes, just want to spend it with a few close friends. I lost two in one day last year, but it was a blessing in disguise in hindsight. Even if I could turn back time, I wouldn't want to have it any other way really.
And yes, I have to keep reminding myself, spend less on clothes and accessories these few weeks, maybe I could hang around the US for a bit after the work is done. Chicago has always been a wonderful city for me.
The fridge is empty and there is heaps of housework and laundry to be done, bleah. So yep, I better get going now.