You Just Know It

You know something is wrong when something is wrong, you just don't feel quite right. You know when you have a bad hair day. You know when you have a bad dress day. You know when something and/or someone is bothering you. You know when you just not in the mood to do anything.

I am all of the above today. Bits of my hair stick out for no apparent reason. My sweater went well with my shirt but not my jeans. I have a couple of issues constantly on the back of my mind and there is a friend who has been pressing all the wrong buttons lately. There is like is sense of unease and frustration compounded by all the phone calls and conversations I have been having, not to mention all the incessant planning and shopping and packing to prepare for my move.

The bad thing is, other than feeling annoyed and restless and all, I am hardly feeling anything else at the moment. The same goes for work, which is just one long motion going in accordance to my duties and my role and of course the paychecks that come every fortnight.

I still have a few things I want to accomplish, be it professionally or personally, before the year comes to a close. In my context, the year will end in just six weeks time since I will be away for the rest of the time till the next year. And again, however much I put my heart and mind into them, some matters are not entirely up to me. Some takes two, some takes three, or five even and some are just simply a matter of luck and fate.

This is the awkward and torturous period, when I know heaps will happen in the very near future but not these two to three weeks. I want the events to unfold, explode in my face even, anything at all, as long as they bloody happen. Not just with me, but with the people around me, the projects around me, and of course, with the family that I have fully reconnected.

And in my life currently, the most ironic thing is that the more new friends I make, the more I miss my old friends. Not just friends, even characters who have come and go in the past, recent or yonks ago. I want to reconnect with some of them too, particularly two people. I don't know how to begin, or follow through even. The intention is always there, but maybe it will just remain there.

So all these events ahead, major and overwhelming they may be, it's very strange that I could think about them with not much emotions really. The big move, the big farewell to my two hosuemates, three of us will be in three different cities, the big shift of dynamics in the family, the big trip ahead, the idea of living in one place and sleeping in another, the killer rent, the possible arrival of a good friend and/or dad, the big concert and lastly, the big year of living on my own ahead. I should feel pretty crazy, but I don't. I just want them to happen, can't wait for them to happen, is all.

So I thought it would be nice if someone were to rope me in as a housemate so I don't have to go through all the hassle and expenditure. That did happen, and as unexpectedly as it happened, I actually turned it down. I don't know if it's right to choose to live alone, but it just doesn't feel right having a flatmate again. You know it somehow, that it's time to move on independently.

The clock will be tweaked an hour ahead come this Sunday, which means summer is almost here and that the sun will shine almost perpetually. Shorts and polo's one day, sweaters and jackets the next, the weather is all very odd at the moment. October going into November rushing forward (I hope) to December, the year is indeed zooming by.

And then I realised, or get reminded rather, that I have to help myself before I can help others. It's just like those aircraft safety instructions, where you have to put an oxygen mask over yourself before helping others.

At times, most times, it still makes me cringe to think about what happened during that period last season. I am so not proud of it. I wish I could travel back and give myself two tight slaps there. I have to forgive myself on this one, no good reason to though, but I have to. Time in my life and distances in my travelling will be on my side, and that will never be taken away from me no matter what.

And speaking of which, a friend found a mail that I sent to her more than four years ago, on the interpretation of our names in Italian, when I was reading the language. It's all very true, eerily true in fact. On a superstitious note, was my fate twisted from the day I changed my name, or was it fate that twisted me to change my name?

"The name of Giuliano gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature. You stick stubbornly toyour ideas or decisions, in spite of any appeals or advice; you are not willing to accept a compromise. You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others. This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression. When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed. Although you realise perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way. You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing. Your friendships and personal associations are rather restricted, being limited to those of a similar nature who can understand and accept your rather straightforward yet reserved manner. You are steadfast and loyal, and do not allow gossip or anything belittling to be said against those whom you accept in friendship. There is originality and depth of thought contained in this name, particularly along practical and mathematical lines. This name can adversely affect the health of your respiratory organs, the heart and lungs. Also, you are prone to suffer from weaknesses centering in the head."