I've Got Soul...

...but I'm not a soldier.

I wanna marry him, I am just so smitten by him. I love him, for his songs, his crazy stage antics, his charisma, his voice and his unconventional lyrics and his shameless declaration of love. Brandon Flowers (even the name is pretty) of The Killers, you gotta be the first guy that I openly profess my love for here, name and all, haha. I am shameless in declaring my love too.

You would be a lucky person if you have someone to decide for you, that you don't have to do anything, but someone already had it all planned out for you.

If you told me this a few years ago, I would have thought that it was all crap. Tell it to me now and I may probably agree with you. It was a line from The Cider House Rules. A film adapted by John Irving from his own bestseller about the discovery of love, friendship, danger, tragedy and betrayal by Homer Wells, whose life has always been simple, innocent and fulfilling. Yet, approaching adulthood, he yearns to explore the world by himself. What he experienced eventually, and profoundly, changed him and ultimately, confirm his destiny as well.

I first watched this film when I was 18 or 19. I watched it again recently. Amazingly, I remembered how much it appealed to me and even inspired me back then. It would be cheesy to say I can relate to the film entirely now that I have gone through a similar journey as Homer Wells, but I must say that I know how, for the first time, to put some of my thoughts into words. Thoughts regarding my stint here, thoughts about going home.

How far must we travel to find the place where we belong? I s'pose I have chalked up a fair amount of mileage now. I still don't know if I ever will truly belong to Singapore. My heart never seems to be there much when I was growing up, but I do miss things, and I miss people, now.

You know how people who are dying somehow know they are dying? It may be a morbid comparison, but somehow I have a feeling this is gonna be my last year here in Melbourne, if my visa comes through, that is. Speaking of which, I have turned in an application for just a one year visa instead of three without informing my boss. He doesn't have to know now I guess, definitely not after that row I had with him beginning of the week.

As for my friend visitng here, I had fun with her and all and we enjoy each other's company, but somehow, there is just something lacking. I can't begin to describe it. All I can say is that maybe, when two people are friends, or partners even, there will only be one place that will go with the relationship and only with the presence of this place will the best of the relationship be brought out and achieved. So maybe my friends back home will only be 100% great if we were all in Singapore, and I spose the same goes for my friends here in Melboourne too. This kinda reminds me of Bridges Over Madison County. Once they leave that house and that town, everything between them will be gone.

And maybe I am being overly sensitive or something, but I was feeling kinda cut/ disappointed that she left on Friday instead on Monday all because of a day out at sea in Sydney with another friend. I don't know, maybe I am silly in feeling this way but somehow the whole thing seems a tad wrong and I can't helped but be impressed by how she just did it and didn't think how I would be feeling. After all, I virtually dropped everything for her while she is here. I can't helped but feel a bit used too. Still, I didn't bring up anything and we had fun till the very last minute when she got on the cab to the airport.

But nah, I guess I have learn not to have any expectations on people anymore, no matter how close they are to me. People are people and they surprise you all the time. I am not even gonna confront her about it. I can't handle another confrontation in the same week, I don't think.

So maybe I can be a fluffy bastard at heart too, at least something happened today that suggest it. So I have said that looks in a person is not important when it comes to finding someone, but at times, I think that is plain bullshit too. Let's face it, we all like pretty things. Or maybe the person just talks too much or is too self-absorbed. No, I don't know what my reason is but I just can't bring myself into it. I have to inch away and I have to return to my drink. I feel mean and it sucks but I am glad as hell I said no.

I severely lack sleep this weekend and I guess it's time to catch up with some now. That article on patents and all works better than a glass of wine.