Truth is worth more than pride.

Maybe it’s a tad late to start having a blog, but every other person I spoke to nowadays has one, and I s’pose I’m tempted to have my own too, just like any other thing in life. I s’pose for the first entry, I’ll do a retrospect of the past nine months here in Melbourne. It’s not so much on the individual events that happened (there are too many to remember anyway, although there are some pretty major ones), it’s more on where I am in life currently, what I am gonna do next and what sort of person I’ve become and all that. Having said that, I don’t need an answer to each question though, because I know I’ll never be able to get them all. It’s too much of a hassle anyway. I shan’t even begin to ask if I’m comfortable (or may I dare use the word happy) with who I am and what I have at the moment, because that will be a tad too deep and self-indulging even, but I gotta admit I wish I know the answer though. Instead, I will begin by looking at the people and things around me and the changes that have resulted. So here I go…

For anyone who knows me well, books, movies, music and fashion formed a large part of my life. In fact, you can even say that that’s my life basically. I still rank Hemingway, Salinger and Dahl as my favourite writers of all time. Their works have greatly influenced and inspired my life thus far, and I’m not even exaggerating. The same can be said for the four greatest films (in my opinion, of course) which I have re-watched many times over the past couple of years. They provide a world which I could enjoy a bit of escapism, and each of them has a special yet unique meaning to me. No matter where I am or what role I’m assuming in life currently, they still appeal to me as much as they did the first time I watched them.

As for music, well, I s’pose I have a lot to say at this point, because my preference has changed drastically, like REALLY drastically. For Jason Mraz, I have grown to appreciate and love even more and I don’t s’pose I will ever get enough of his songs, his lyrics and his voice. Now that’s not the change I was talking about though. THE change is that I’ve given up listening (and enjoying, for that matter) to hip-hop and R&B music altogether. What’s the biggie, you may ask. Well, to me, it’s certainly a biggie because that’s what I’ve been listening (and dancing) to pretty much all this while. In place of that, I’m totally obsessed (if there’s an even stronger word, it’ll be just as apt too) with Neil Finn, and every band he’s been involved in, from Split Enz (formed before I was even born) to Crowded House (extremely popular during the times when I was a fat li’l kid) to The Finn Brothers (duo with his elder Brother, Tim). Within a matter of three months, I’ve gotten the entire collection of albums and been listening to them everyday, no less. I’m listening to Crowded House even as I am typing this now. Anyway, let me gush about The Finn Brothers concert I went to last Wednesday. For someone who’s been labeled as a cold bastard incapable of shedding a tear (‘cept when I yawn or sight a bloody roach) even during the most emotional or depressing of times, I actually found myself teary-eyed throughout most part of the concert! Yes, I got all overwhelmed and emotional like a teenage fangirl at a Britney’s concert! Now how bizarre is that?! But oh well, there’s no denying it happened and more importantly, I have to accept the fact that I’m done for this time, that is, I’m officially a huge fan of the Finns. Even when I was driving home after the concert with the CD playing, I was still in a trance and could hardly tell (or see even) where I was going. Without sounding too exaggerated, I was so wired up that I couldn’t even sleep and had to drag two friends out driving around town looking for food (not that I was hungry at all) and didn’t head off to bed till like 3-ish in the morning (and I had work the next day!). Anyway, I s’pose I have gushed enough about it already and shan’t irritate the hell out of anyone who might be reading this. The bottomline is, to have a cold bastard losing it like that IS really something, ‘nuff said.

I started the year (and it went on for a fair bit of time) with the recurring question “was it a right decision to come back to Melbourne?” ringing in my head. In hindsight, I s’pose that was totally uncalled for, because I ended up tormenting myself (not to mention severely preventing myself from enjoying my time here) unknowingly by searching for the answer incessantly. Of course, I have to admit shit has happened during these past nine months and I can’t exactly say I have had a fantastic time thus far, both for my professional and private life. But if this is the course I have to run, then there’s nothing I can do about it. Life goes on, I s’pose. There’s no point in questioning or fighting it too much. Having said that, I don’t deny that I wish some things would have, or should have, turned out differently. But then again, my life consists of too much conditional tenses already, I seriously don’t need anymore to screw my mind up...

…which leads me to think how screwed up my life can be at times, or rather, what a screwed up I am; the perpetual struggle to have a relationship, the constant effort to keep myself disciplined (especially for work), the inability to draw a clear line between work and play and between friends and foes too, for that matter. The funny thing is, some days I am fine with who I am, but on others, I could be all harsh and punitive on myself. I s’pose it all boils down to how I want my life to be mapped out, or how I perceive contentment to be even. I never had a clear idea on either of them, I don’t think. They never taught me that in school for sure, and I don’t s’pose I have lived (or even experienced) enough to get a good grasp.

Certain things still haven’t changed much though, especially the things that get me feeling down. I still can’t handle the talk of money, the vicious competition in society, the narrow-mindedness of some people, and the breaking of promises (especially those made to me). I swear by the saying “talk is cheap”. I wish people can be more serious when it comes to making promises or a pact. Without sounding too jaded, I s’pose I have been let down enough already. On that note, I should have gotten used to it by now or have at least learnt to take it a little more lightly, but no, hell no. In fact, I seem to get affected even more as I get older. It doesn’t have to be a major incident, it could be something as simple as a plan to catch a movie or have a drink with a friend. I would be extremely disappointed if the other party forgot all about it or was late or kept postponing it or something. It happened again just last Friday. I was so affected that I lost the drive to work on that day (not to mention losing my appetite too) and was feeling so frustrated yet perplexed at the same time that I decided (or force myself, rather) to call it a day by heading off to bed at 6pm (yes, on a Friday evening no less). I can’t help but wonder what was wrong and was it something about me that resulted in the person being so uninspired to honour an appointment with me? I don’t know, really. Anyway, I figured sleeping is the best way to stop thinking (next to slashing your wrist of course, but I’m hardly that type anyway). I hate to use the word sad because it’s too dramatic (and I detest drama more than anything else) but maybe I was feeling that too. But oh well, in any case, that day is best forgotten, I guess.

On a lighter note, I did see some positive changes in me (I hope I’m right for once). I have grown to be a little less pretentious (or so others have told me) and have learnt to appreciate the simpler things. This may sound a tad cliché, but it’s true. As opposed to in the past, a good night out for me is no longer defined by which fancy restaurant I dined at or which swanky bar I have checked out. In fact, I feel a tad weird whenever I’m in a place that is too posh (or what I would call a bourgoise place) nowadays. Instead, I find myself enjoying more and am less reserved (in other words, more real) in dumpy, li’l places as long as the vibe is right (what I would call a place with character, and a place which I would like to share with my friends). Of course, I have to say I still can’t let go of fancy clothes and accessories (or rather, I choose to be stubborn on that aspect), but everyone deserves a bit of indulgence every now and then, me included. Maybe I’m finding excuses for myself, but if retail therapy works for me, even if it’s temporary, while not give it a go, yeah? I need little things like these to keep me afloat and to keep my sanity in check, I s’pose.

I am more tolerant towards people now and am proud to say I haven’t had one major argument or fight with anyone this year. I have good relationships with my flatmate, my co-workers and my friends (or so I think). Even though I mentioned I really dislike others piking on me, I s’pose it’s a matter of being depressed by it rather than being infuriated by it (it used to be though). I keep asking myself questions like “is a confrontation really necessary?”, “would my fiery words or actions rectify anything at all?”. Usually the answer is a simple 'no'. Of course, I will not give in so much to the point of having others stepped all over me. I know I'm running the risk of losing myself by mellowing out (which I'm still struggling with sometimes, I don't deny). I would very much prefer open and honest communications. But then again, that’s just the romantic (naïve even) side of me. People aren’t just simple like that.I s’pose everyone has a reason for doing what he does. Again, I shan’t torment myself by searching for an answer or reason for every action being done or every word being said (especially nasty ones) by others. On my part, I have learnt to admit my fears and insecurities more readily to people whom I trust or to people who care for me (this include my parents and close friends). I no longer put on a (previously indestructible) façade to make myself seemingly more confident, braver and happier even. Yes, truth is indeed more important than pride. Life’s a hell lot easier when I don’t have to keep my guards up all the time. Of course, having said that, I do know there are times when I’m required not to reveal my true feelings so readily. On that note, I s’pose I have to remind myself on how to be detached and be desensitized when the need arises.

I don’t reckon I should have a proper concluding paragraph to this passage. Afterall, it’s not the end of my life, it’s just the end of yet another small chapter in my life. Where would I be in 2005? What would I be doing? Will I experience more changes again? Hell would I know! *smirk* I s’pose life has always been one big waiting game for me; waiting for breaks, waiting for results, waiting for opportunities, waiting for surprises, waiting for things to begin/end, waiting for signs and of course, waiting for that someone who will make it a lot easier for me to say everything’s alright.