Tracing the Steps

I gotta 'fess up I do spend a fair bit of time at work doing personal mails...I s'pose I'm not alone on this, yeah? I'm still doing the whole retrospective thing (please bear with me) and have decided to put in excerpts from mails I've written to some of my closest friends for the past few months. They might not mean much to anyone but they are certainly my words, and looking back at them have sorta helped me chart my days (and emotions too) throughout this year. Also, by putting them in chronological order, it helps to fill the missing parts in my blog.

“…been charting my days for me, and he pointed out that y’day was only the third day I’ve been alcohol-free for the past six weeks!” – 301104

“Just when I thought it's all over, he broke into 3 more songs ending with ‘Better Be Home Soon’...that did it absolutely!! I was in such a state that I cld’nt even get out of my seat!” –- 241104

“Got my first class, yes, first class Hons, sounds good, doesn't? But na, not letting my already big head swell bigger or anything. In fact, I don’t feel thrilled or anything at all..not even glad, just totally flaaaat.” –- 191104

“I s’pose some stuff are just too hard to explain. I don’t reckon I'm mad or crazy or anything, or maybe I am. And I truly learnt that other than my 3rd year marks, there are other things from the past that will catch up with me constantly.” – 171104

“So after spending almost $90 and being entertained by cheesy teppanyaki chef and getting fried rice tossed at me (and landed all OVER me) and sipping a combination of champagne and green tea and cocktails and water later, I DID feel glad I went for the dinner.” –- 161104

“I spose it's cos of the thesis defence I had y'day which was an absolute torture...it lasted for 30mins but it felt like 2hrs in there and I felt smaller and smaller as more questions (which I cant answer) get thrown at me. Shld have taken the day off today but I've got stuff to rush and a in-house seminar to attend, so here I'm am chain smoking (sort of) and downing coffee and muffins. I hate to sound like a drama queen but I think I really overworked this year and hence, I'm SO over work now. Taking no break back in mid-year and having just a week off after my thesis was a fucken bad idea. But then again, a lot of other things were bad ideas too in this year.” -- 151104


“Put myself on waitlist for an earlier flight home...I need a longer break, I've been working too hard! I'm on the verge of burning out, I feel it coming already.” – 111104

“Rich but depressed or poor but happy..hmm, I don’t know, that’s a tough one really...but surely, when one goes out too often and get exposed to too many different scenes/things, complications arised and oh well, the rest will be sob stories to tell sometime down the road.. ..not that I'm the kind of sad bar fly who'll drown my sorrows in some musky li'l bar.” -- 091104

“woohoo! someone's getting a brazillian wax!...tsk tsk, will I be lucky enough to see u in a skimpy bikini this summer?” – 081104

“After drinking 14 nights in a row and having 3 hangovers and too much junk food and movies..I'm finally back at work.” – 071104

“Back. Thesis and getting tipsy by 4pm y'day, thats where I was.” – 181004

“Indeed, excessive coffee and ciggies' the best way to kill one’s appetite. A few mouthful of risotto, half a bowl of soup and I feel like throwing up already.” –131004

“..funny how we can talk about almost anything, including stuff within the bedroom and all, but when it comes to salary, it's such a hushie” –- 200904

“It's just one of those days that I wake up wishing I can sleep forever and it doesnt help that my boss caught me first thing in the morn discussing about my thesis...” – 190904

“The Jason Mraz DVD/CD set that I ordered from the states is finally here..spent the whole arvo y'day fixed to my sofa watching it..and getting the standing-hair sensation and going all *gulp* and *whoa*.. if I were ever at his concert, I'll definitely be one of those mouthing to every line he sings and screaming and perpspiring and eventually just passing out and get carried out horizontally...” –190904

“yup, it may sound overly sentimental but truly, it will be nice if all 3 of us could be in the same place..then again, it might not be a good thing cos we tried it once (last summer up in Brisbane) and the vibes weren't too good...it might be the weather, it might be just me” – 150904

“So I got front row at the fashion show...ya know, the kind who's just by the side of the runway smiling and pretending to be really into it...first up was a retro 40's/50's chic with a 12-men big band and all..very lively. As for the men's underwear show.. men in g-string playing with REAL snakes and walking bulldogs and all..and yeah, I felt myself actually looking away with the bulging muscles (not to mention the bulges) less than a metre from me.. the highlight will be free flow of champagne, the new Bailey's Glide and choc mousse and souffle....” – 060904

“Didnt do much today...just back from a 3hr lunch/slackfest at my friend's place sipping coffee and smoking at the backyard on a moth-eaten couch...perfect weather and perfect way to kickstart the week” – 050904

“Just gotten tickets to the Finn Brothers concert in Nov!!! I was so excited that I ran around the lab shouting and jumping!! Yes, like striking the lottery! Woohoo!! This is even more exciting than graduating from my course!!” -- 030904

“Every now and then we need to go to places with chi-chi crowd to humour ourselves..as in, see the funny side of us being under-dressed/too slack (but never frumpy, mind u) or how they are so seemingly chi-chi yet we always emerge as the beautiful ones...” -- 290804

“Yup, iPod is ruling my life at the mo', not so much on the machine itself but what's in it that counts...due to my addiction to Jason Mraz, Neil Finn and The Killers at present, I can't stop listening to them and hence, can't live without my iPod cos it virtually allows me to have music on thru'out the day.” – 230804

“was on the tram and saw this pensioner using a FM (manual) tuner with 80's style big head phones and all and obviously enjoying herself...while I've got my iPod and a sense of guilt just set over me...also, with the new Finn Brothers album plugged in at that mo', I could almost go *gulp*.” -- 230804

“There're still ten thousand things on my mind at the moment and can't say I've been having much sleep. Alcohol seems to work the reversed way for me now cos I usually get up early as old hell whenever I drink heaps..as oppose to in the past when I could just crash and sleep in.” -- 210804

“Back in action...long meeting + long walk + collecting cake + long lunch + long coffee break...which brings me to 3:55pm and my Friday is almost over!” -- 190804

“I s'pose the bottomline for your situation is that you're feeling bored, and it's not necessary to dissect it to find out if it's due to people or the place. That said, I s'pose it's a vicious cycle we can never get out of, that is, we keep craving for new things/people/places but we tend to get bored faster than we can actually aquire them...” -- 190804

“..nothing major, just a 30mins jog, any longer and I s'pose I'll have a flashback of my life going thru' my head.” – 170804

“Yes, two years ago..and two years later, we're still on this.,maybe this is a repercussion of wanting the job so badly when we were younger, that we can never get it out of our lives. I still tripped out every now and then just wondering the "what ifs"..that is, if I had gone for interview again just before I came here when they kept calling...” – 160804

“..and of course, been stuck on Crowded House and Geroge too...and I could even recognize a song by the former aty the first note, just like I do for most hip-hop songs (altho I gotta say again that it's slowly slipping away from me). “ -- 160804

"Weather was nice and all y'day and hit a high of 18C in the arvo, to the extend that I actually went for a jog (!!)..of course, I shld've gussed that it's Melbourne and the weather changes as fast as my mood and it's all cold and wet and dreary today with an average of 8 or something... No wonder Crowded House wrote a song called "Four Seasons In One Day" for Melbourne..yeah, am trying to promote a tad of CH here..” –- 150804

“Seems like we're all caught up in a vicious cycle we can't seem to get out of. It's a matter of control I s'pose...we can never be completely free of it but I reckon it's within our control how deep we wanna be in.” – 090804

“She went to bed around 1am but I could’nt bear enter my room. So I hung around in the living room drinking (more)and listening to Crowded House. Yeah, I know, it's not a very happy sight.” -- 040804

“One abstract, a muesli bar and two ciggies later..I think I can just sprawl on my desk and sleep now...cept of course, I can't cos I've got a report to do in the arvo.” – 040804

“Tellin’ me that I look like Hossan Leong is the last thing I need to know, dude, just like the last thing I need right now is another person living in my room.” – 030804

“Yes, Crowded House..remember I used to hate stuff like that, i.e easy-listening rock like those played on Class95 FM...but now, damn. Truly, never say never” -- 030804

“And also, I'm not even whinging about the pressure coming from all directions now. I understand that it's part of the package of growing up, so whats the big deal? No worries, I'll live and complete my studies, thats what I'm here for anyway. The shennanigans in my life are just distractions to keep me afloat (in a sick way). I won't muck it all up.” – 030804

“Yup, I dont' deny I'm stressed out..by many factors as I've already told you. Also, eveyrday I get new surprises..yes, like EVERYDAY since god knows when.” – 020804

“Dad sorta figured out that my disrupted sleeps are due to excessive alcohol consumption...in addition to ciggies, coffee and tea….Think I'm dying insideously.” -- 010804

“Then again, why am I encouraging to bawl your hearts out? What sorta advice is that?” -- 290704

“I shouldn't have re-opened a can of worms. What was shut should remained shut, I guess I learn it the hard way. I s'pose I have talked enough about it to my friends here and to friends back home..and I hope I'm moving forward at least. After all the advice I've dished out over the years, innit funny that I'm finally on the recieving end?” – 290704

“Once again, let me assure you that I will not clash with your brother...even tho with my current state of mind does point to me snapping at anything minor. I give you my word that I will let anything slide. So no worries to that.” – 270704

“….already feeling a tad detached from home and I s'pose another major change won't make much difference. Don't even care if I have no home to return to (even though that statement does sound a bit sad).” – 200704

“Na, no worries regarding the bit on your bro. You put up with my dad for 5 whoppin' weeks, so a week for me should be fine. In any case, if he happens to dislike me or vice versa for that matter, I'll just knock
off later.” –- 200704

“Since the departure of Cindy and Dad, I've been having the house to myself for 3 weeks thus far already...plenty of Julian time to reflect on my existence here, and plenty of personal space to sort out some stuff..and of course, I don't deny the empty apartment is giving me anxiety attacks sometimes..the silence is just too disturbing.” –- 180704

“Have you ever had the feeling of "gulp" when u hear certain songs? I know I have..especially the past few days.” –- 130704

“I s'pose it's so much easier to say "yeah, it's nice to be home and all"..since "nice" in modern context is such a casual and impersonal word anyway. So yeah, just stick to that and it'll be simpler for both parties.” –- 080704

“I don't know, I always feel so much more independent and stronger whenever I'm out here, say, as compared to when I was back home. We tend to take our friends (not to mention our existence) for
granted and whinge and whine and pine like there's no tomorrow.” –- 080704

“Maybe it isn’t too good to get all penned up and broody all the time but I've learned to come to an equilibrium with that, cos clearly, there's only so much I could talk about it, and there's only so much I could let it affect my life. At the end of the day, as I've always said, we still have to go on with life and to achieve what we're here for initially.” -- 100704

“The mo' I stepped into the office, a co-worker of mine asked "so what label are u wearing today?" My answer was "oh, it's French Connection" and with a bit of an apology, I realised that my inner sweater is from FCUK too..and my bag, and shoes and belt for that matter...and he realized and commented "FCUK from head to toe". Suddenly, it hits me that it wasn't even a conscious effort and that it's gone a tad out of hand. One of my aims of this year is to somewhat curb my shoppaholic ways..and it shits me to no end that I'm not making any improvement at all.” -- 050704

“stuff like a total of THREE people are interested in me (one I already sorta felt it a while back) and the two others are a real surprise. Instead of making my already-big head swell bigger, it actually shits me to no end cos truly, why can't it be the someone I want?” –- 040704

“I s'pose I'm like a character in ER now...having a totally shitty personal life but still rocking up to work on time as tho everything's fine and all..and at the end of the day, returning to an empty apartment. This will go on for the next one month..unless of course, there's a twist of plot (which I doubt so).” –-280604

“Farewell with dad was relatively painless, u know me, I dont handle farewells very well and I'll just do the "bye" thing and thats that. yeah, the problem with me is that I don't cry..not cos I dont want to, but as u know, I simply cant. The feeling is definitely funny..esp when I was driving alone after leaving the airport. Lifehouse CD was on and it was getting a bit much for me that I had to change to Kylie for some upbeat and cheesy music. You can imagine how stuffed up I must be feeling.” -- 270604

“I thought I could handle monetary issues pretty well but it pretty apparent that I can confront all other issues but money. It makes me utterly uneasy and truly, it depresses me to no end. More so than
anything else.” –- 200604

“But I always know that it's worth it to be back here again not just for the shopping or the food or the weather (although they contribute to my happiness here) but most importantly, i know I am doing what I thought will be right and I'll hate myself forever if I dont try it out (even tho there's always a risk of it being a flop)..u know what I mean?” –- 160604

“For me now...I get depressed by all things funny but it's got nothing to do with my existence in Melbourne or the family or anything like that...it's just some quirks and annoyances and peeves and dopamine-suppressing things that I can't possibly think of an explanation for.” -- 060604

“Spoke to dad on Sun..seems like he's really happy about coming over, so I shan’t be a bastard about it. Will drive him out to some faraway
country town over the ‘end to spend some time with him.” -- 170504

“Too much drinking and silly dancing on Fri and had a major hangover on Sat during my trip outta Melbourne..” -- 030504

“Recieved a call at 2am on Sat morn' from a private number...I s'pose it must be from one of you guys..either that or I'm finally gettin' a booty call (yipee!)..but then again, I missed it anyway cos I crashed at around 12mn.” – 030504

“I'm not entirely big on the idea of my old man heading this a-way in a
coupla weeks' time..cos being out here allows me to live the way I want
it to be...a Julian's world run entirely by Julian's mind. Not necessarily a flawless or organized one, but at least this is me...” -- 030504

“One year of protein biochemistry at work, another year now + all the lectures and assignments which are on nothing but proteins....so there goes 2 yrs of my life on protein research. So maybe the two major turning points are 1) giving up JC and 2) giving up SIA. Funny how both are concern with me actually giving up something.” – 260404

“So yes, it can suffocating once I've realised a certain problem but am completely helpless when it comes to rectifying it.don't just tell me to go out there and find someone cos I'll kill ya for that..cos it's just not so easy..” -- 170304

“In any case, all I can say is I need to return to normalcy soon..which sucks shit cos it's Mon and there’s no way a person could even remotely feel normal on the first day of the week...” -- 140304

“Am starting my project in 2 days' time but am NOT feeling anything at all..damn, is that normal? I'm astounded by my own indifference...” – 210204

“… have to say it sure feels funny to be back…not funny ha-ha of cos, but just feel totally different..maybe it's cos I was having like one of the shittiest week of my life trying to secure a place to stay. I didn't even have the mood to shop at all..when that happens, ya know it's serious! Walking down the streets I used to like or having food that I used to kill for no longer do anything for me..damn, now I'm genuinely well on my way to being a depressed f***, either that or I'm headed for the status of a certified nutcase..” -- 170204

“Seems like I settling down fine but not entirely, and I'm not even inspired to head down to the city to settle my bank stuff and ...never thought I'll do the whole missing thing but I do miss my friends and my parents to a certain extent..I don't know, it’s not as though my friends are not treating me kindly here (in fact, they are just SO nice which make me feel kinda overwhelmed). Anyway, not that u’ll believe I could actually feel overhwlemed by attention…” -- 100204

“Just salivated while staring longingly at a jacket at FCUK this morning...so much for turning over a new leaf.” -- 100204