Cutting The Cord

..also known as killing the worms, if you like. Hardly the nicest thing to do on one's birthday, but that's exactly what I (or we, for that matter) did this evening. So the party happened, so my friend's got me a really fantastic cake, and so I recieved some presents and wishes through calls and SMSs, and most impressively, I did meet up the person for that inevitable chat that I've been waiting for the whole week...and that's exactly what this entry is about, aptly titled "cutting the cord".

I have said what I wanted to say. There were a thousand things going through me but I am glad I let it all out, well, almost all actually. We had a good chat initially about life and work and all that but it's amazing how we plunged into the issue we have to settle all of a sudden, or on the third drink to be exact. The message did get across but there is no direct feedback or anything of that sort, and the other party has clearly stated certain facts and directions and where this little story between us is headed for, which happens to have an abrupt and unhappy ending. I don't understand it entirely, I don't think, but I s'pose I am fine with it. In fact, I don't feel sad or confused or anything like that now, although I know I might feel otherwise when I wake up tomorrow (it's funny how feelings like these set in insidiously and very much later after the actual event).

The recurring questions remains, how long do I need to get this whole issue out of my mind? How much effort am I inspired to put in to put this episode entirely behind me? Will I succeed in doing so? Where do I go from here? Have I lost all reasons to remain here in Melbourne? Can I work on being ME again? I seem to have lost myself back there for a fair while.

Can I make a little promise to myself now? That is, no matter what I do or what happens, my health and overall well-being should be my main concern. So much for all these career planning and interpersonal relationships bullshit. Also, in order to so-called find myself again, I really have to devote more time and effort into having me-time and to learn to appreciate solitude again without being plagued by the feeling of loneliness.

So yes, it seems I have woken up from a dream that has gone on for far too long now, so much so that I have actually lost track of my actual life. There is really no reason to hold on to the past. I am one year older now, and I s'pose the new year is just about to begin in my context. I will never abuse myself again like that, I just have to move on.

In other words, just bloody let it go.

Conversation With Myself

It's 4:23pm now and it's a very hot afternoon, but it is certainly not a lazy one, oh well, at least not for me. I did an induction course in uni in the morning for the demonstration work that I will be taking up later in the year, and the session went on for far too long in a really warm laboratory with bad ventilation. Straight after that, I had to rush back to my office to get my passport and then over to the city for an x-ray examination for my work permit application which, incidentally, took much longer than expected to come through.

So here I am at Rue Bebelons again, trying to take it a little easier, the fourth time in six days. Maybe I am truly turning into one of those regular sad barflies who hang out here far too often. I'm penning this entry on paper trying to kill some time while waiting for Clara to join me for a drink. A coffee on my left, and a ciggie resting on the right, perfetto. It has been an eventful enough past coupla days to keep my mind of that issue, hanging out with my new housemate and getting to know him better, clearing up my old apartment, being hard at work and hanging out with friends in the evenings. I s'pose I needed all these to keep my sanity in check too. If not, I will probably be going mental or something just having recurrent/incessant thoughts about last Friday night...

..and so I am home now, and I realised I haven't been chillin' at home at such an early hour for a while now. The temperature ceratinly hasn't gone down at all, but I s'pose I still could handle it, after a cold shower and a huge bowl of ice-cream. I probably should have an early night too, since I haven't been sleeping that well for the past few nights as I was having too many weird dreams. What's with someone being killed by a shark while trying to save a friend of mine and being in my current place except everything is orientated asymetrically and then passing out in the toilet and to truly being woken up in the middle of the night, it's all a bit much like that.

So what happens after Saturday? Will the person cancel out on me? Maybe. I am not at all optimisstic, you could say I am prepared for the worst. If everything does fall apart, how long do I need before I can pick myself up again? Or can I even? Will I really say everything I want to to the person or will I just sit there like a blinking/grinning idiot? Oh well, talk about losing myself. If I do behave that way, then it's certainly not me at all. I am well-known (be it in a famous or infamous way) for being vocal and frank and totally communicative and is never intimidated by anyone in anyway. Have I finally met my nemesis? Is this the end of the cynical bastard in me?

And the most important question is, what sorta day will I wake up to on Sunday?

Getting My Message Across

And so it is, a weekend that was too eventful with too much alcohol. When that happens, it's inevitable that things happened and I am left to deal with the repercussions. How did I end up where I am now? Haven't I been having a pretty intense period recently dealing with the whole housing issue? Barely have I gotten over that and here I am falling headlong into another problem. I know I should not beat myself up for it and I will definitely not, but I still have to admit I am deeply impressed by the whole incident.

So I truly did re-open a can of worms. I have sorta seen it coming, but I always like to throw myself into risky (or sticky even) situations like this. You can even say I asked for it, and on that note, I should not be whinging too much about it now. I just need to work out where do I go with that person from here. I have to say I don't really know, and the frustrating part is that it's not up to me entirely. I s'pose I have expressed what I want and maybe that's not getting through at all. What do I have to say? What more do I have to do? How do I figure out what is appropriate and what is not?

At this age, am I still doing the whole experimenting phase? I thought I knew it all already but do I really? I have no solid justification for being so smitten by this person. We have not done much things together except the usual drinking sessions and movies, so what made me this caught up? Too many questions already, and it's just driving me mental just trying to remotely sort them out.

I made the initiative to call the person up today and to arrange for a meeting so that we can have a proper talk, without the influence of alcohol and an emotional period that both of us were caught up in that night. I wanted to sort it out as soon as possible, for better or worse. I s'pose the scientist in me is acting up again, wanting to get an answer quick and to clarify/rectify things at the soonest moment. So we are going to talk, except it is not today but next Saturday, which happens to be my birthday. What a thing to be doing on my so-called special day. I s'pose I don't really mind, because I know what gotta be done has to be done, and it makes no difference what day it is. I just hope both of us will be in a clear frame of mind to sort things out.

I know I am dealing with someone who is complex and is pretty much laden with issues, but who I am to comment when I am equally guilty of being like that. It makes me really sad as I am writing this entry, yes, I am really sad, more so than any feelings I have got right now. I know life and everything that goes with it is never easy, and I have certainly established an equilibrium with that fact, but my mind and my heart just wouldn't let me rest at the moment and I am almost suffocating from the combination of emotions that were evoked by this event.

This little story between this person and me has gone on for far too long now, and what happened on Friday night was definitely a catalyst for the whole process. How much is too much and how quick is too quickly? The person is afraid of things happening that way, but I am not. I s'pose on my part, I have done a fair bit of thinking and being depressed by it for a while now. So on that note, even though I know we may end up not being friends and not seeing each other for good even, I am still willing to have that conversation, which in my opinion, is totally essential.

I am still intoxicating myself with more alcohol than I should even as I am writing this. I can't help it. I wish I am more in control and not bloody weak like that, but I don't know how. I should stop now, this is not helping either.

Getting Busy

So here I am, having moved and spent two nights in my new place now. I s'pose I have nothing to complain about at the moment, in fact I am terribly glad that the whole ordeal is over (well, almost, there's still the painful task of unpacking and cleaning up my old place prior to handing over). I've had a pretty eventful weekend too. In addition to moving house, I did two nights of drinks, a lunch in the city and watched a movie last night. Don't ask me where I get all the time and energy though.

It's Valentine's Day, and happy Valentine's Day (whatever that means) to anyone who might be reading this. I started out the day feeling pretty cheery and enthusiastic about work, and it certainly helps that it was a beautiful day out (although it's getting a tad too warm now). All in all, I haven't felt this good for a while now, I s'pose it's because I have sorted out the whole housing issue and met up with a person whom I wanted to meet (although, on the downside, that might mean I'm re-opening a can of worms again). Anyway, for some strange reason, I decided to do a Clint Eastwood's film (Million Dollar Baby) this eveing and as expected, it was an absolutely dark and sombre movie which left me (and half the people in the cinema sobbing) with a weird feeling when I walked out. In fact, the feeling is still with me now. Well, I s'pose that's what you would call a good film, and I am certainly not afraid of films screwing with my mind (done it a million times already). It's kinda symbolic though, because I remember watching Mystic River (another film by Eastwood) on Valentine's Day last year too. Alright, it isn't your typical kind of film for this day, but I wasn't on a romantic/hot date anyway, so what the heck, yeah?

Anyway, this is just an entry to chart the past few days, no deep thoughts or inner debate here I s'pose. I should really be catching up on my sleep and start eating proper food again, it has been nothing but snacks and booze for the past week.

I don't wanna be told I look bad (also known as walking corpse) again. Since I have been recieving consistent compliments for my new hairstyle and dressing (yeah yeah, I'm still not over it) I should ride on that.

Scientific Discovery

So, I have come to the last night of The 30th Lorne Conference on Protein Structure and Function , I must say I have had a fantastic time so far. Well, pardon the cliché if you may, but the sun, sand, sea, the company (which is basically about hanging out with a bunch of hoons who went around terrorizing everyone, really) and the booze (there is always enough in my guts to make me all chilled and mellow and to forget I'm actually on a work assigment) have been awesome. In addition to the leisure acitivities, I did learn a lot from the seminars and presentations and this will definitely mark another milestone for my career as a scientist (although I hate to sound like a dork like that). I can't say I like the venue much though, and it's a tad awkward that the conference is held here on Phillip Island instead of Lorne (which has been the venue for the past 30 years). On top of all, I have reaffirmed the fact (sadly) that scientists aren't exactly the most normal people around, and I hate to get associated with them (without sounding too smug). Still, it's been fun in a sick way checking out the fashion faux pas of the delegates and amusing myself with how weird they can be after just a coupla drinks!

In any case, I am glad I came to this conference. On the personal front, I have managed to identify the Southern Cross amisdt the gazillion of stars (with the help of a friend) and have seen and touched a shark's egg for the first time. Yeah, it may not sound like much, but to a city boy like me, it can be a tad exciting (although I must admit I loathe nature most of the time) in a nerdy sort of way. All in all, this has been like a mini getaway for me before I get down to the nitty gritty bits of moving house (which is happening this weekend).

Yes, I can't wait to move to my new place and get all settled down before my birthday. Well, it's not that birthdays mean much to me anymore, but still, I would want it to be all pleseant and nice like that. Birthday wish? Oh well, what the heck.

Right, gotta head back to the dining hall for my dessert and for the silly end-of-conference dance later. I can't wait to see all the freaks working the booze and the dance floor!

Reading A New Self-Improvement Guide

I’ve had a pretty interesting night out, I s’pose. It’s somewhat more intriguing and stimulating in a way than the usual Friday drinking session. I met a group of people earlier in the evening whom I wish I never will end up to be, while I had a good chat with a person later in the night whom I can very much look up to and have much to learn and draw inspiration from. Now how does that work out?

Let me start with the so-called negative example. The three guys who seem less-than-admirable to me are all in their thirties. Well, there is nothing wrong with that at all, of course, age is nothing but a number. But the problem is, they are all married with families and all and yet they are still getting silly with pot and still hanging out with young girls and doing the whole picking-up-chicks at a bar thing. Now, that’s a tad lame if you ask me, it’s not that I want to be judgmental like that. To each his own I always say, but it’s just that I hope (really) that I will not end up like them. I am well aware of the inevitable period of having a midlife crisis eventually, but that is certainly not the way I want to go. It’s all a bit too sad really.

As for the guy whom I can learn much from, he is someone whom I have known for a while now and have noticed how driven and focused he has always been, but tonight was the first time that I had a proper (and serious too for that matter) chat with him. I realised what a confident person he is (and it’s no fluffy façade I can tell) and how comfortable he is with himself. Also, he knows what he wants in life and he is willing to put in the hard work and to make some sacrifices along the way in order to reach his goal. Now, that impresses me to no end, and I have to admit I wish I am motivated like that and not get distracted by silly little things in life. I had a really swell time talking to him and it stimulates me mentally and also allows me to reflect upon myself on my shortcomings and flaws that have bugged me for the longest time. Of course, I have to say that I can’t change overnight like that just because I have spoken to him, but it sure makes me more inspired to make certain changes to my character/life.

Having said all that, it’s always fine to meet all sorts of people, and in doing so, I am more aware of who I am and what I want to be ultimately. I just hope that I can meet new people constantly, and I s’pose that’s one major aspect that keeps me afloat.

It's All In The Mind

It's just one of those days at work where things are slow and nothing seems to go right and everyone is too fired up over the silliest things to be much fun at all, so I might as well yank myself away from the whole mess and spend some time here updating my blog.

A new month and a new haircut, which turns out to be a good change as I have recieved much compliments for it, and it sure makes me feel good in a really shallow sort of way. I s'pose a new hairstyle is long overdued, and my right eye can finally see the light of day again after having my floppy fringe snipped off. A tad of a shock at first, as I could hardly recognize myself in the mirror, but I'm beginning to like it now.

Two more days before I head off for the protein conference and moving in to my new place straight after I return, I can't hardly wait for things to happen. I'm going a bit mental in my current place which is a total mess and having to live right out of boxes.

Watched "Closer" last week and both the film itself and the song have stayed with me for the whole week. I hate to be sentimental like that but the show has certainly touched me in a way. It's all about believing in love at first sight and the incessant search for it. The best thing about this film is that it doesn't go overly sappy or romantic but the whole idea was protrayed in a somewhat unconventional and even twisted sort of plot, and that's what totally captivated me. Of course, it sets me thinking as well if the person who has a recurring spot in my mind (for the past year or so) is a similar case to that of the characters in the film. I hate to admit that it is, because I am not s'pose to be sentimental like that, but it's becoming eerily true and I may have no choice but to accept the idea eventually. I hardly knew the person when we first met but I just can't seem to forget that first meeting, and yes, even till this very day (althought we have since gone on to be friends and all). The person certainly has many flaws and is hardly an admirable character, but I seem to convince myself (all the time, for some stupid ****ing reason) to overlook those flaws and give that person way too much credit and all that, and it freaks me out to no end to realise I am vulnerable to such nonsensical behaviour/ideas too.

I am so looking forward to the end of the day to have my Friday drink.