Getting My Message Across

And so it is, a weekend that was too eventful with too much alcohol. When that happens, it's inevitable that things happened and I am left to deal with the repercussions. How did I end up where I am now? Haven't I been having a pretty intense period recently dealing with the whole housing issue? Barely have I gotten over that and here I am falling headlong into another problem. I know I should not beat myself up for it and I will definitely not, but I still have to admit I am deeply impressed by the whole incident.

So I truly did re-open a can of worms. I have sorta seen it coming, but I always like to throw myself into risky (or sticky even) situations like this. You can even say I asked for it, and on that note, I should not be whinging too much about it now. I just need to work out where do I go with that person from here. I have to say I don't really know, and the frustrating part is that it's not up to me entirely. I s'pose I have expressed what I want and maybe that's not getting through at all. What do I have to say? What more do I have to do? How do I figure out what is appropriate and what is not?

At this age, am I still doing the whole experimenting phase? I thought I knew it all already but do I really? I have no solid justification for being so smitten by this person. We have not done much things together except the usual drinking sessions and movies, so what made me this caught up? Too many questions already, and it's just driving me mental just trying to remotely sort them out.

I made the initiative to call the person up today and to arrange for a meeting so that we can have a proper talk, without the influence of alcohol and an emotional period that both of us were caught up in that night. I wanted to sort it out as soon as possible, for better or worse. I s'pose the scientist in me is acting up again, wanting to get an answer quick and to clarify/rectify things at the soonest moment. So we are going to talk, except it is not today but next Saturday, which happens to be my birthday. What a thing to be doing on my so-called special day. I s'pose I don't really mind, because I know what gotta be done has to be done, and it makes no difference what day it is. I just hope both of us will be in a clear frame of mind to sort things out.

I know I am dealing with someone who is complex and is pretty much laden with issues, but who I am to comment when I am equally guilty of being like that. It makes me really sad as I am writing this entry, yes, I am really sad, more so than any feelings I have got right now. I know life and everything that goes with it is never easy, and I have certainly established an equilibrium with that fact, but my mind and my heart just wouldn't let me rest at the moment and I am almost suffocating from the combination of emotions that were evoked by this event.

This little story between this person and me has gone on for far too long now, and what happened on Friday night was definitely a catalyst for the whole process. How much is too much and how quick is too quickly? The person is afraid of things happening that way, but I am not. I s'pose on my part, I have done a fair bit of thinking and being depressed by it for a while now. So on that note, even though I know we may end up not being friends and not seeing each other for good even, I am still willing to have that conversation, which in my opinion, is totally essential.

I am still intoxicating myself with more alcohol than I should even as I am writing this. I can't help it. I wish I am more in control and not bloody weak like that, but I don't know how. I should stop now, this is not helping either.