Cutting The Cord

..also known as killing the worms, if you like. Hardly the nicest thing to do on one's birthday, but that's exactly what I (or we, for that matter) did this evening. So the party happened, so my friend's got me a really fantastic cake, and so I recieved some presents and wishes through calls and SMSs, and most impressively, I did meet up the person for that inevitable chat that I've been waiting for the whole week...and that's exactly what this entry is about, aptly titled "cutting the cord".

I have said what I wanted to say. There were a thousand things going through me but I am glad I let it all out, well, almost all actually. We had a good chat initially about life and work and all that but it's amazing how we plunged into the issue we have to settle all of a sudden, or on the third drink to be exact. The message did get across but there is no direct feedback or anything of that sort, and the other party has clearly stated certain facts and directions and where this little story between us is headed for, which happens to have an abrupt and unhappy ending. I don't understand it entirely, I don't think, but I s'pose I am fine with it. In fact, I don't feel sad or confused or anything like that now, although I know I might feel otherwise when I wake up tomorrow (it's funny how feelings like these set in insidiously and very much later after the actual event).

The recurring questions remains, how long do I need to get this whole issue out of my mind? How much effort am I inspired to put in to put this episode entirely behind me? Will I succeed in doing so? Where do I go from here? Have I lost all reasons to remain here in Melbourne? Can I work on being ME again? I seem to have lost myself back there for a fair while.

Can I make a little promise to myself now? That is, no matter what I do or what happens, my health and overall well-being should be my main concern. So much for all these career planning and interpersonal relationships bullshit. Also, in order to so-called find myself again, I really have to devote more time and effort into having me-time and to learn to appreciate solitude again without being plagued by the feeling of loneliness.

So yes, it seems I have woken up from a dream that has gone on for far too long now, so much so that I have actually lost track of my actual life. There is really no reason to hold on to the past. I am one year older now, and I s'pose the new year is just about to begin in my context. I will never abuse myself again like that, I just have to move on.

In other words, just bloody let it go.