For I'm a Jolly Good Fella

So I'm officially one year older now, not that it means much really. I am never the sort who goes all emotional and deep about the passing of another Julian year. I know what I have to do this year, and I know somewhat what is expected of me being this age, but whether I can actually live up to them is another story. So yes, I am not going to make all sorts of crazy promises and resolutions, I don't think. Just run the course that I am destined to run and for all the other matters, as always, I s'pose I could just let them slide.

Birthday for me this year was celebrated with a big, fat Greek dinner, literally. The company were good and so were the presents. I really had a pretty swell time. It was no elaborate affair and neither was it anything particularly special, but I had fun I reckon, and most importantly, I am glad I did it. At least for this time, especially for all the years here, I was with friends whom I want to be with, not friends whom I think I should be with.

All the things that I have been pondering about will still remain and all the things that I want to accomplish will still be there for me to work towards to. I finally said no to my brother and I turned down a meeting with a person whom I would have killed to meet just a year ago. It's never easy but it's not impossible either.

So life's back to normal in a few hours' time, back to work, back to the dickheads at work, to the politics, the fake smiles and the caffeine. Being a year older won't change all these, a new job would. So yes, after one full circle, I am still waiting for my rocket to come.

Four Conversations

So I didn't have to go to Canberra, it came to me instead, so to speak. It was pleasant, it was a nice story, but I don't think I want to read on. I am not thinking much of it, I never did. I think I was a bit aloof, maybe even a jerk too, but I can't pretend otherwise. Don't hate me, I didn't mean it, it may sound cliche but it really is nothing personal. I am liking the way it is now, I don't want to dive in any deeper. Being just friends is not such a bad idea, really.

My brother got in touch with me, and actually wanted me to make the call to him, all by the command of a simple SMS. How weak am I? I thought I have cut him off already? What defines the line that separates hatred from sympathy? I must say I am affected by his desperate call for help. It is beyond me though. It disturbs me to no end whenever a man who is much older than me loses his composure in front of me, I don't know why. Maybe I feel uneasy, but maybe I am afraid of being there myself one day. I know I should not have given him false hope, but what else can I do? Knowing his temper, he will probably flare up majorly if I would have said no there and then. I dread the moment when I have to tell him the truth. Why are we in contact again? Why do some things never change? Is this the price I have to pay for being weak? Have all the years of effort in running away from him gone down the drain already?

I said no to my boss yesterday, why can't I just do the same to him? Now instead of hating him, I'm probably hating myself.

Jason Mraz is finally coming to Melbourne, like how excited am I! I have this sick feeling I may not be able to get tickets. It's silly I know, but I won't feel at ease till I've actually gotten the tickets, so please let the wait be over soon. As for faces, I already know who I am gonna see that night. After all, those text messages are not for nothing.

What Do You Do?

Talking to a friend whom I have not seen for a while made me realised a lot have happened in the past six months or so, but at the same time, it feels like nothing has happened at all. Not anything worth much elaboration anyway. Of course, I could not convince her that I have indeed no goss to spill, and that I have no one of special interest to gush about. But then again, who can blame her for thinking so? After all, I was the person who always have stories to tell and dramatic sagas to live out. So what triggered off this change? Or to be specific, this flat line?

I didn’t think much of all these really, because they can be a bit meaningless if I keep them in the back of my mind and on the tip of my tongue constantly. I am not s’pose to advertise it. It’s better to let others notice it and then tell it to me, which of course, has been happening. But recently, I have been asked to describe it in my own words, and I find that suitably hard. Truth be told, it doesn’t bother me if they are convinced or not. I am in no urgent hurry, or desire for that matter, to actually prove anything. I don’t see the need to, really.

The fact of the matter is, I am no longer hung up on anyone anymore, although this is definitely harder to prove. A gesture as simple as a movie or coffee or even an e-mail might be interpreted deeper than it actually should be. Oops, have I done it again? I have felt that about others before, so maybe this is just retribution. I have my moments, we all do, but they are always ephemeral. These feelings don’t even last longer than those I have for my job at the moment, which are, for the most part, as fleeting and inconsistent as anything.

So yes, I don’t know what triggered off all these indignancy, but I must say I am hardly flustered at all. I am just putting it down for the record, is all. And speaking of spontaneous feelings, I suddenly, yeah, like really suddenly (and I don’t even know if it was due to a dream last night or some crazy axon acting up) I get reminded that I actually had pathology training and that was what I essentially did to earn my first degree, and I must say I had fun doing so. I surprised myself that I normally don’t remember that bit of my life. So yes, which inevitably brought up the question, how did I eventually end up doing protein crystallography, considering that it has absolutely nothing to do with either pathology or immunology and that I have very weak biochemistry background? Although I am not a total sell-out just yet considering I am still in the biological science field, but am I one when it comes to my real area of interest? What I work on at the moment is totally different from how I envisaged my stint as a scientist will be. Do I want to do anything to return to what I like? What about the past three years in this area? Am I willing to see them go down the drain and start from scratch?

Including my days as a student, I have spent seven years doing nothing but science now. Considering I am not even 30 yet, that is a fair bit of time out of my life so far. It’s scary when you think about it, it’s as though I don’t know what else to do anymore. It seems inertia has somehow crept up on me. I thought I will never be one of them, but it certainly seems like I am well on my way now. Damn, I feel so old thinking about shit like this, but I don’t s’pose I have a choice, do I?