What Do You Do?

Talking to a friend whom I have not seen for a while made me realised a lot have happened in the past six months or so, but at the same time, it feels like nothing has happened at all. Not anything worth much elaboration anyway. Of course, I could not convince her that I have indeed no goss to spill, and that I have no one of special interest to gush about. But then again, who can blame her for thinking so? After all, I was the person who always have stories to tell and dramatic sagas to live out. So what triggered off this change? Or to be specific, this flat line?

I didn’t think much of all these really, because they can be a bit meaningless if I keep them in the back of my mind and on the tip of my tongue constantly. I am not s’pose to advertise it. It’s better to let others notice it and then tell it to me, which of course, has been happening. But recently, I have been asked to describe it in my own words, and I find that suitably hard. Truth be told, it doesn’t bother me if they are convinced or not. I am in no urgent hurry, or desire for that matter, to actually prove anything. I don’t see the need to, really.

The fact of the matter is, I am no longer hung up on anyone anymore, although this is definitely harder to prove. A gesture as simple as a movie or coffee or even an e-mail might be interpreted deeper than it actually should be. Oops, have I done it again? I have felt that about others before, so maybe this is just retribution. I have my moments, we all do, but they are always ephemeral. These feelings don’t even last longer than those I have for my job at the moment, which are, for the most part, as fleeting and inconsistent as anything.

So yes, I don’t know what triggered off all these indignancy, but I must say I am hardly flustered at all. I am just putting it down for the record, is all. And speaking of spontaneous feelings, I suddenly, yeah, like really suddenly (and I don’t even know if it was due to a dream last night or some crazy axon acting up) I get reminded that I actually had pathology training and that was what I essentially did to earn my first degree, and I must say I had fun doing so. I surprised myself that I normally don’t remember that bit of my life. So yes, which inevitably brought up the question, how did I eventually end up doing protein crystallography, considering that it has absolutely nothing to do with either pathology or immunology and that I have very weak biochemistry background? Although I am not a total sell-out just yet considering I am still in the biological science field, but am I one when it comes to my real area of interest? What I work on at the moment is totally different from how I envisaged my stint as a scientist will be. Do I want to do anything to return to what I like? What about the past three years in this area? Am I willing to see them go down the drain and start from scratch?

Including my days as a student, I have spent seven years doing nothing but science now. Considering I am not even 30 yet, that is a fair bit of time out of my life so far. It’s scary when you think about it, it’s as though I don’t know what else to do anymore. It seems inertia has somehow crept up on me. I thought I will never be one of them, but it certainly seems like I am well on my way now. Damn, I feel so old thinking about shit like this, but I don’t s’pose I have a choice, do I?