Closing the Book Before It Burns You

So I did a trip to Mildura for the third time this year last weekend. During the the first time I was getting over something, the second time I was caught up in the midst of something, but this time, I am glad to say I am so over everything. In fact, this is the first time I don’t feel weary about coming back to Melbourne, simply because there is no dramatics and theatrics to come back to, just the usual stress I face at work lately, which is, still alright, I s’pose.

I had plenty of time in the car to just idle away and think about all the events that have happened so far (again). You can say I am a tad obsessive when it comes to checking the status of my feelings against recurring events, such as trips to Mildura, and gigs by the same bands and all that. I can’t help it. it’s a way to measure the milestones and to see if I have indeed moved forward, or even possibly, backwards. So for this time, this trip, I can safely say I am no longer hung up over anyone. No more two different persons but with the same name.

I have to say I owe it to the second person for having an influence on me to be more conscientious about my work and be more focused and motivated in whatever I do. You made me see the fact that a quiet life is not necessarily a boring one. You can even say I have grown up a little just by our brief acquaintance. However, I will never agree with how you handled the situation between us and what you said, or didn’t say, that night. You should not have asked me out to talk if you have nothing significant to say and you should not have made that comment about the car. I don't know why I still remember such things, really. There are still many places and books and movies and songs that I want to share with you, but I know it is pretty pointless really, since it will never change the fact that we can never be together. I think I am still willing to be friends, but I know I will have to be the one who take the first move since I was the one who pulled the plug.

Of course, the question remains. When will I feel inspired enough to do that?

As for the first, I don’t know why I was so smitten before and I don’t understand why we can never run a normal course, yet we have so much influence on each other. I still listen to Neil Finn and I still enjoy so. I reckon u like Jason Mraz heaps too. I don’t know why I didn’t say hi when I saw you in the city and I don’t know why you didn’t either when you saw me on Smith, and only told me so later. No matter what, it doesn’t really bother me anymore because I don’t care if we are friends or not. Maybe, subconsciously, I am even hoping I don’t have to deal with you again. It’s just too much effort, really.

In any case, first, second, that name, who, where, when, beginning or end or whatever, I just don’t feel anything anymore. I can think back on everything and actually not feel the ache. I can even joke about them. This is definitely a good indication that I have managed to shake everything off and moved on.

Oh yeah, and it has been 43 days without lighting up a stick.

Anyway, just three more sleeps till I move out from Collingwood. Another chapter. With all the preparations and money spent on shopping for the house and all, I guess it’s just about time. I wish I can shoot my incompetent realo though.