Turning Off The Bright Lights

So I survived a really crazy week at work. Crazy in all ways. The workload, the politics, the competition, the viciousness and of course, the people; the over zealous ones and the utterly annoying and irresponsible ones. I was absolutely smashed at the end of each day. There was an excruciating gum ache that drove me to the verge of insanity too, but I lived after a visit to the dentist. It will not be an optimistic week ahead either, with the presence of a couple of visitors from overseas, one of them being the one who promised to move me to a safe place if the hurricane struck Houston but was nowhere to be found when I actually needed him. In any case, with the importance of professionalism in mind, I just have to disregard that side of him and be as pleasant and co-operative as I can in order to get the work done. It’s not going to be easy but again, I’ll live.

Just what is actually required of me? Both at work and at the social front. From what I am aware of, I have to be absolutely independent and logical and smart at work. When things go wrong with the machines and the system, people just come to me expecting that I can, and will, definitely fix all the problems in no time at all. I have been with this group for almost two years now, but this is only my fifth month in this post. I don’t necessarily and readily know what to do when a situation arises and for the most part, I am definitely still in the learning stage for a lot of things. I am not whinging or feeling indignant or anything, it’s just that I hope I can indeed do my job well. Like I said before, work is going well at the moment and I almost don’t mind all the stress. All I hope is that things will remain good for a little while longer because I always harbour a degree of insecurity when it comes to work. Things can go downhill almost as fast as you can say the four-letter word.

So what about things at the social front? Just how do friends, both past and present, perceive me to be? I know my life these past three months have been very different from how it used to be, and I don't expect them to understand or to accept it. I can almost say it is a pretty drastic turn even. The things I do (or don’t do) and the company I keep (or shy away from). There is no solid reason for the change, I just feel like it. I s’pose some people expect me to remain as the person they have always known. A friend who will be here soon expect me to lead him into a wonderful and exciting life full of parties and going to so-called “happening” places with heaps of fun people and all that. And my ex, who has recently started to catch up with me, expects me to be the guide to all the exciting and new places and all the fancy restaurants and bars and the colourful nightlife in Melbourne. I must admit I was definitely the right person for such a role in the past (and it wasn’t even a remote past) but I must say they have caught me at a wrong time now. I am in my most dormant and solitary period at the moment and I have just begun to enjoy the quieter side of things. I do admit I have always perceived my stay here as one big vacation and that I am here to collect experiences and to meet new people constantly and that maybe, thinking in a really foolish kind of way, that I have absolutely nothing to lose or to be afraid of.

In hindsight, I can’t say I was wrong but I wasn’t absolutely right either. I am just not the person to turn to for all these things anymore. Of course, I don’t mind the odd nights out for a big one, but I just don’t do it ever so often like before, to the point that my health was suffering. I am no prude but I am definitely more awake now. Maybe I am being a bit extreme here and arrogant even, but I feel I am doing the right thing at this stage. With my work finally picking up and me rounding up yet another year here in Melbourne, I can’t afford to bring unnecessary drama to myself to drag me down once again. I want to end this eventful year in a good way and more importantly, to begin a new one with the correct frame of mind. I know I can’t prevent bad things from happening to me but I s’pose I could minimize them by being more sensible and logical with my own actions. I am not saying I am doing very well now but I think I have enough drama these past two years to last me for a while. I can even say I am tired already. For now, no one can blame me for being a bit extreme in keeping things in check. they will not understand and I have no intentions in explaining.

Maybe to those who have not gone to the crazy places, both figurativeIy and literally, that I have been before, they might find it exciting and enticing. Yes, you only live once, but why start now when you have never begun before? I s’pose it’s alright to attempt any crazy antics and shenanigans when we were much younger but once you missed that period of carefree youthfulness, there is nothing you can do about it. If you haven’t had all the fun back then and tried or seen all the unusual and twisted little things in life, there is just no such thing as making up for lost time now. It will only be foolish and detrimental to even try now. We go through different stages in life and there is no turning back. I accepted that and they should too. Of course, it might all turn out differently for them, and that their lifestyle won’t backfire on them, or that they won’t get burnt by their own actions. But I have, so I won’t go there again. I have done some things I should not have done and have gotten involved with people whom I should not even get close to in the first place. I was foolish then, I still may be. But till I slip and fall again, I will mind my steps and try my very best never to stray again. After all, I still have past wounds to lick and bad dreams to forget. Work? Yes, I have an obligation to perform and a defined role to assume. Social wise, I s'pose I don't really have to answer to everyone, do I?