Bedsit Land 3008

So talk is cheap indeed. I am only human. Blame it on a moment of weakness, blame it on a rush of blood to the head, blame it on boredom. But why should I be so harsh on myself? I could be doing worse things to kill a Saturday night. That said, maybe what I have done was already bad enough as it was, considering what I have promised myself. I can't say I didn't enjoy the time spend with my friend. We made it last all night, doing nothing in particularly really, just piss-farting around with old records, old cartoons, conversations and wine of course, and wine being the one thing that has been constant throughout our aquintance so far, from the first meeting to the first dinner to the trips and to every time we meet.

What does it all mean to be right or wrong? As a guy, I should not be reading it too deeply when things are presented to me, anyone would have told me to just go with the flow. Why bother wrecking your brains out? By spending yet another night together, maybe I am giving off the impression that I am silently agreeing in a way.

It is hard to walk away from this one, have I mentioned that before? It is certainly different for me this time, but it seems like this person is no different from the rest that I have met before. So how does that make any sense at all?

We are all lonely creatures, there is no denying to that. But there's got to be an end to every chase. You know what Bedsit Land is all about, and even acknowledged the fact you are living in one. So why go on like this?

How can I even let you know that I do still, incredibly, hold you in high regard? It seems like the whole world knows I am being more than just a friend here, but how could I ever get that message across to such a mucked-up mind?

Or rather, how and when could I walk away swiftly? I am sorry if I needed many more hours this time to feel sore and sorry for myself and to wallow yet getting on with work and life. I deserve a bloody trophy for that, I do.

That said, you will not be the sole reason why I would leave this place prematurely. My unhappiness here stemmed from more than just you alone, although you do serve as yet another catalyst.

I won't even begin to try to understand you anymore. How could anyone with so much love for animals and sense of this world and such sentimentality be so impersonal when it comes to matters of the heart?

It took me a few days just to write all these down. I don't want to allow myself the luxury of dwelling on this matter too much, it's not healthy. I shouldn't even have written all these really. Between us, I am the only who is being silly and wasting my time here brooding.

I know I can definitely move on if I want to, I am well capable of that. However, maybe I am being purposefully stubborn this time. I don't want to let it go just yet, as I do not want to lose that feeling for you so soon. I wish I can lash it all out at you. In my mind, I always have a line or two to come back at you, but I held it all back. Why? Well, some words are certainly unncessary between us. They will only spoil the moment.

If you are just in it for folly, then why did we do so many other things together? Why did you even bother remembering things about me?

Validation is definitely one thing I do not need anymore. I have other options too, and they are probably much easier options too, but I just want to stupidly hang around and be your friend.

I am thinking of you so much here, yet at the same time, I am not looking forward to seeing you again. Is it any wonder why I am feeling this way?

And no, don't ever thank me for anything again. It will only make it more meaningless.

Don't Get Mad, Don't Be Mean

It hit me like a truck just today, and I wonder what caused the delay really. Maybe the shock was so great initially that I was in a daze and now I am finally in touch with the reality of it all. It's like an accident victim suffering from post-traumatic syndrome. I have taken the first step to turn down any meeting with my friend in the near future.

After acknowledging it, and telling a few friends about it, it doesn't seem so hard to tell it like it is anymore. Before today, I could not even talk about, or think about it even, without feeling all sick in the stomach and wanting to just puke my guts out, literally.

It hurts, a lot. I am not going to deny that. Anyone who knows me could tell I am indeed falling for this friend this time. The times we shared, however short-lived they were, were good memories, but it's also the very same memories that hurts heaps.

Since last February, this is the first time I have felt so strongly for someone. Too bad it has the same ending though. Same occupation, same car, same love for Krispy Kreme, same ending.

I need to get out of this vicious cycle.

Take A Walk With Me

So I got back from the road trip with my new friend, from here to Wollongong to Ulladalla to Batemans Bay to Eden and back, along the coast. I have seen some wonderful sights and had some pretty good food too, but I am hardly feeling the thrill really. A warning sign is definitely flashing. I have written quite a fair deal over the course of the few days too, whenever I had some time to myself. I shall put it in here too, just to make sure they don't get lost, since they were written on the back of photocopied maps.
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After a while, after all these years, they all seemed the same. The same car, the same habits, the same mouth movements, facial expressions, notions and mentality even. Even the places feel the same. They are new to me but they just don't feel new at all. How did it all end up like this? How did it all become so predictable and uninspiring? This is Day 2 of the trip, a trip that I needed to be away from work to actually think about work. A trip too with my new friend whom I am beginning to feel that we will remain as just friends. It is a test for everything it seems, for this land, for my friend. How do I feel? What do I expect? What do I do? Or rather, what do I do anymore?

I am telling myself to have an answer by the end of this trip, and that is like in 3 to 4 days' time. I reckon I have an idea where my decision is headed for. I don't wish to do that, but it seems like I don't have much of a choice. Why does it has to come to this? Isn't this what I have yearned for? What happened to all the ideals and fantasies I have created for myself back then? I remember telling people I couldn't wait to come to this country, to start a new life, to start my life even. I seem to have gone one full circle to end up where I started. I don't know anymore. I have lived more than quarter of a century only to realise what I have been doing or believing in in might all be wrong. Why only now? The boredom? The lack of stimuli? The lack or love? A sense of not belonging? Or all of the above? So the recurring question is, what do I do? Must I do something? Between living and not living, which do I choose? I have a choice of making a living by not living and living but not making a living.
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So we just got back from dinner. With the nice Italian dinner last night and wonderful brunch we had today, it will be a hard act to follow from here on in, which is like the reflection of my life in Melbourne. I had a most amazing first year, but it was all downhill from then on. 2002 was the best year of my life. So I did have the illusion that I could go back to 'old kicks' by going back to Melbourne for a second time. Little did I know then how wrong I was. I guess it isn't so hard to accept this fact once I have acknowledged it. It doesn't change the fact that it is pretty sad though. I am lying right next to my friend right now but still feeling cold. So yes, I could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely in the crowd. The feeling of loneliness is creeping up more and more lately. It's not healthy, and I can't go on like this for long. I thought a permanent residency and a doctorate would be the be all end all for me. But does it all matter now? Do I even care anymore? The mere thought of being here for another three years is unnerving enough.

"It is very nice to know you"

A line my friend wrote in the middle of this sheet which I am writing around right now. It's sweet, but what difference would it make? It wouldn't affect the big picture, and it certainly wouldn't change the ending to the story between us. You insisted that you don't write something just for the sake of writing. So, how do you want me to read it?

Melbourne doesn't seem so bad now that I am away from it, but I know I will feel differently once I am back to the mundaness of it all. It is all so different from just a few months ago, when I actually loved the idea of being back in Melbourne, especially after each trip I made to the US. I s'pose I have no hung ups then, and most importantly, there was no feelings of loneliness. Coming to think of it, it was almost a bad joke in its entirety, on how I used to joke about boredom leading to loneliness leading to depression which in turn leads to suicide. It's not funny at all now.
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Just watched a program on TV on how people who were born in the bush getting the raw end of the deal especially when it comes to healthcare and opportunities. I should watch more programs like these, to appreciate what I have more. I have indeed seen and experienced a lot, more so than I could ever dream of. I wouldn't trade them for anything else. That said, I s'pose there comes a time when one gets tired, and I reckon I am there now.
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Why is it the more I get exposed to life, the more tightly I seem to hold on to what's close to me? I thought we are suppose to let go as we go along? As we get older and wiser. I don't believe in promiscuity and will never be sold into it. It's a game I thought I could play but now I won't even try to pretend I can. What kind of crazy world do we live in? I enjoy the time with my new friend, but I know there will come a time when I will have to walk away. I hate to say goodbye. I just wish all these will last longer, just a little longer. Why is it never enough to like just like someone? Why do all the little other things come in to spoil the picture? I'm looking at my friend having a nap now, and it's making me real sad to think of the course we have to run. I don't want to run it, but I don't have a choice. It is almost unfair. This is unusual, me feeling so much over it. It's hip to be detached and precious, and all you feel is vicious. So true a line by Neil Finn.
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There is a certain sense of wonder in the silence shared between us. Words are indeed unnecessary. I like you, the way you eat, the way your mouth moves and twitches and how your left eye closes slightly when you are thinking. From the way your body jerks and twitches when you sleep, I know you are not such a hard person, you can be very gentle even. It reminds me of a song you like, 'When the Body Speaks' by Depeche Mode. So why are you so mucked up in this game called love? I know what you have been through but why can't you just let it go? Why do we have to meet only to say goodbye so soon? I respect you, admire you even, and I hate to lose that feeling, which is fading gradually. I know the ending will not turn out how I want it to be, or how I envisaged it to be initially. Your heart and mind are all over the place and I know nothing will ever happen between us, not in that sense at least. A frienship has certainly developed but I don't want just another friend. I know you have been through a lot in your past relationship. I know it but will never be able to feel it. I will never be part of your past, future or present even. I love you, I love you not.