Bedsit Land 3008

So talk is cheap indeed. I am only human. Blame it on a moment of weakness, blame it on a rush of blood to the head, blame it on boredom. But why should I be so harsh on myself? I could be doing worse things to kill a Saturday night. That said, maybe what I have done was already bad enough as it was, considering what I have promised myself. I can't say I didn't enjoy the time spend with my friend. We made it last all night, doing nothing in particularly really, just piss-farting around with old records, old cartoons, conversations and wine of course, and wine being the one thing that has been constant throughout our aquintance so far, from the first meeting to the first dinner to the trips and to every time we meet.

What does it all mean to be right or wrong? As a guy, I should not be reading it too deeply when things are presented to me, anyone would have told me to just go with the flow. Why bother wrecking your brains out? By spending yet another night together, maybe I am giving off the impression that I am silently agreeing in a way.

It is hard to walk away from this one, have I mentioned that before? It is certainly different for me this time, but it seems like this person is no different from the rest that I have met before. So how does that make any sense at all?

We are all lonely creatures, there is no denying to that. But there's got to be an end to every chase. You know what Bedsit Land is all about, and even acknowledged the fact you are living in one. So why go on like this?

How can I even let you know that I do still, incredibly, hold you in high regard? It seems like the whole world knows I am being more than just a friend here, but how could I ever get that message across to such a mucked-up mind?

Or rather, how and when could I walk away swiftly? I am sorry if I needed many more hours this time to feel sore and sorry for myself and to wallow yet getting on with work and life. I deserve a bloody trophy for that, I do.

That said, you will not be the sole reason why I would leave this place prematurely. My unhappiness here stemmed from more than just you alone, although you do serve as yet another catalyst.

I won't even begin to try to understand you anymore. How could anyone with so much love for animals and sense of this world and such sentimentality be so impersonal when it comes to matters of the heart?

It took me a few days just to write all these down. I don't want to allow myself the luxury of dwelling on this matter too much, it's not healthy. I shouldn't even have written all these really. Between us, I am the only who is being silly and wasting my time here brooding.

I know I can definitely move on if I want to, I am well capable of that. However, maybe I am being purposefully stubborn this time. I don't want to let it go just yet, as I do not want to lose that feeling for you so soon. I wish I can lash it all out at you. In my mind, I always have a line or two to come back at you, but I held it all back. Why? Well, some words are certainly unncessary between us. They will only spoil the moment.

If you are just in it for folly, then why did we do so many other things together? Why did you even bother remembering things about me?

Validation is definitely one thing I do not need anymore. I have other options too, and they are probably much easier options too, but I just want to stupidly hang around and be your friend.

I am thinking of you so much here, yet at the same time, I am not looking forward to seeing you again. Is it any wonder why I am feeling this way?

And no, don't ever thank me for anything again. It will only make it more meaningless.