Juke Box Blues

I lost something today.

I lost all the songs on my iPod, songs I love and have collected over the past two years, all 13 GB of them, all of them, all gone, in a matter of seconds. No one likes losing anything, it makes you feel like you've have been punched in the stomach, gutted even, all sickening, all weak. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing to feel tragic about, I sound totally silly saying it and feeling this way, but I can't help it, I'm only human. I'm mourning for a loss. You never really know you needed something so badly until you lost it, do you?

Music makes up a third of me, so yes, I am feeling totally tragic here now.

Let me make a little promise to myself here. I will appreciate my job more and to be more grateful that I am having it. That is the one thing I tend to be less than thankful for. I tend to abuse it more thanI care for it. It's also the thing I tend to detest and even let loose whenever other aspects of life are not in place. I will try my best not to ever do that again. I am sorry, whatever it means and however silly it may sound.

I will appreciate my friends more too, which has been a recurring debate I have had with myself lately. I know I have been a good friend to all my good friends, but it seems like I have not done enough, and maybe I have even been taking them for granted at times. I know my friendship to them has always been true, and as sincere as it can possibly be, or rather, as far as my inspiration has taken me. But somehow, I suspect that it has not been coming across that obviously. I know talk is cheap, so I reallly hope I can prove to them somehow. I want to do more, I really do, especially to my two housemates (pictures of them), whom I count as my very good friends, but may have been copping shit from me. Somehow a voice in my head is telling me that I have not been particularly nice to them. It is really nothing personal, I still adore them whole-heartedly. I am just, still, adjusting to the change in dynamics in the house, and coming to terms with the things that have been happening in the past 7 weeks since my return from the US, both in the professional and private sense. I wish I can apologise to them in a way but that would be too abrupt and may even come across as a tad too stilted and dramatic.

Sometimes, somehow, the actual message just get lost along the way.

I bawled my eyes out, like majorly, when I was watching Bridges Over Madison County last night, and even after. I have never, like ever, let my tears flowed so uninhibitedly over a movie before, to the point that my eyes were all puffy when I woke up this morning. I know it's almost weak to be like that, but I could really appreciate the film. Every scene, every word, every expression even.

Yesterday was just a pretty fascinating day in its own way. I never thought I would be the one lending a listening ear to an old friend, and for the first time, feeling that I am actually the stronger and happier one, even during a time like this when my private affairs are all up in the air. I am not feeling smug how the table has turned, I am just glad. And later in the evening after a pretty good, clean fun at the zoo, a Mexican dinner was in place and again, it made me appreciate my friends so much more thinking of all those meals spent alone in Houston. All the best TexMex food within my reach but all I yearned for was just some good company to have dinner with.

Again it sounds totally wussy of me but there really is no denying humans are all lonely creatures at the end of the day. And it only gets worse as one gets older. Before it was just bored, now it's bored and lonely. I am not sad saying it though. I s'pose once you have established and more importantly, acknowledged it, you tend to accept it and live with it. It's not so daunting anymore really.

I will end off with a line that really got me in Bridges Over Madison County.

"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them."