Landing On Another Planet

Somehow, nothing feels the same anymore, or maybe, nothing is the same anymore.

I am glad I survived yet another painfully long plane ride. An hour of waiting and then another to Dallas from Houston. Two hours of lay-over and then three more to LA. Hung around for two hours and then the big one of twelve hours to Auckland. Two hours to stretch my legs and to wander around like a zombie and yet another three and a half more before finally reaching Melbourne. I don't know how I did it, but each time, I managed to do it all the same. And with the introduction of Auckland into my route, I have set a new personal record.

So I got back to work and was promised all the things I have ever wanted. I know this is partly due to my friend's resignation, and is just a ploy by my boss to spite him. And yes, somehow, I am made the pawn and the eventual 'winner' it seems. A three year contract sounds overwhelming, especially at a time when I have almost half a mind to pack up and leave it all behind. Besides, do I want to get on to PhD anymore? Have I got the stamina for it? For this field, for this city. I am finding all the reasons to stay here longer than end of this year. On the other hand, I have enough reasons not to go home either. So yes, maybe I am caught up in a state of limbo, and it is not a comfortable position to be in. I have, in fact, been feeling this way for a while now, but never really gathered enough guts to admit it and to actually spell it all out here. It's not helping really, it makes the truth even harsher and sadder. With the passing of each year and the trips that I have taken, I just don't feel the same for this city anymore.

And so it took three trips to the States, one long one to Singapore and another to Lorne for my two housemates to finally get together. For a moment there, I thought it will never happen. I wasn't surprised or anything, as I have always seen it coming. But as always, as any other things in life, anticipation is one thing, to actually have it happening is another. The reality, in some ways paradoxical, is always more surreal and as phantasmagoric as it can be. You accept it and face up to it as though it isn't real and maybe even hoping that it will all go away soon enough and that somehow, everything will return to how it was before. Except of course, this is where the meaning of reality comes in protrusively and that this will be the truth from here on and that it is there for you to make the most out of, if you are optimistic enough, that is. I am not saying their being together is a bad thing, of course it is not, at all. In fact, I am pretty darn glad for them and that they didn't run into some fuckwits out there instead. And in any case, it is totally not my place to comment on anything. I was even somewhat chided for being such a nosey parker over the incident. I felt a strong sense of indignation there as I was one only because they are my friends and I care. I could have reacted strongly to that and would have even blew my top off but I avoided all that by putting up a fine performance of a good-natured protest and a few fake smiles and it all ended well. So maybe it isn't so hard to conceal my feelings sometimes and to prevent a potentially ugly situation from happening.

And so I have been relegated to the back seat once again, haven't I? I should be getting used to this by now I s'pose. And with the way I am currently leading my life, I s'pose it will be like this for a while, and I shouldn't really be whinging at all. It's anybody's guess as to what will happen between us, and 'us' being split into unequal sides now, but I will not be bleak about it. They are both my good friends and I will continue to be their good friend too. Nothing has to change but am I trying too hard to convince myself here? This certainly reminds me of The Squid and The Whale, where the household dynamics all changed in one night.

As I have always said, what do you do? Really, nothing is beyond my control and the world does not revolve around me. However I may be feeling does not matter at all. A new day will come and go with no reprieve and this city will change and so will my workplace and my co-workers and my friends. I could either go along with the flow or I could be left alone in the crowd and at this stage of my life, I am definitely choosing the latter. It may not necessarily be a happy choice to take but it is certainly a comfortable one.