Head In the Sand

So I have survived the first coupla days with them as a couple. I am only referring to them as 'them' because it's never my style to mention names here, there is no intention of any form of disrespect at all. Anyway, I was asked the question this evening, that is, if I could, would I move out? Now that I have a little more thought about it, I s'pose I would, but of course, the fact of the matter is, I am not ready to do so in all ways. I would still very much prefer to have housemates than living on my own. I think maybe I am weak like that. Also, to put it crudely, I am not willing to fork out the extra expenses to take out a place of my own, not to mention the lack of choices and space. And yes, it will only seem unnecessary and silly to go to that extreme, it doesn't have to be dramatic or ugly like that. If I were to really move out solely based on this incident, it will definitely leave a crack in my relationship with them, especially with him, who has been my best friend for a while now. And for the record, I am not 18 anymore, I shouldn't even be bugged by such issues. Having said that, people are people, and no one like changes like that, me included. I don't think I will, or can, ever like the idea of living with a couple who used to be just friends, especially when they are both my friends.

Somehow, I feel I'm not reacting/behaving right. I thought (always) I will be happy for them. I wish I could be happy for them whole-heartedly just like my (our) friends back home, except I can't because there is the extra dimension in my case, being their housemate. I am sorry if I sound silly, but I didn't sign up to stay with a couple, and I almost resented the fact that I am again being pushed into the corner with absolutely no choice at all. The thing is, I am really happy for them. Besides, for him to make the move, I could tell he is really fond of her. So why the hell am I feeling this way? Also, I don't wanna appear to be this bitter, old (and single) bitch, but I am afraid I might already have. A part of me is telling me that this will pass and all I needed is just a bit more time, but a certain part of me is being stubborn in a way.

I can't control how I feel, neither can I command myself to switch on and off certain feelings, as clearly illustrated by my life so far. Is that the reason why I have been screwing up relationship after relationship? And am I heading towards destroying not one but two friendships now? I shudder to think, because never in a million years would I want that to happen. I may be destructive at times but not that self-destructive yet, I hope not.

I try to talk normal, I try to behave normal, I try to still tell them everything like before. I hope it's not all too stilted. And why am I so conscious of it? That's hardly good at all, it makes everything seems like an effort. I better stop before something serious really happens. I am thinking and writing in circles here, ain't I? I should stop now. Only time will tell.