Never Say Never

I get affected by my surroundings easily, and by that I mean the people, the environment I work and live in, as well as the weather. I don't deny that each of them is contributing to my current state of mind. It's never easy to write something like this, I feel all the emotions of a good cry again. I get scared by it, as to how vulnerable I can be and how I seem to be in this cycle once again. It wasn't so long ago that I thought my work is in place and that I am in equilibrium with my life here. I s'pose I was blinded then or maybe, simply, I just chose to believe that it is so.

You know how it is when you are feeling kinda iffy about a trip but you choose not to think about it because the ticket has already been bought only to find out that the ticket was not purchased due to some muck-ups and then you realised you actually have the chance to re-consider the whole deal? It kinda threw you off-balance because your mind is activated once again and you toy with the idea of giving it all up while you still can without dragging it on.

This is what I am faced with at the moment. I have not signed the contract and the application for the residency status has not yet been submitted due to an incompetent human resource department.

So once again I am tempted to let it go, and once again I am freaked out by the thought of being here for another three years, I never thought that I would arrive at this point, a point where I am so tired of being here.

I've never thought I would stop loving something which I once loved so much. I fought for a lot to come back here, and I gave up much to establish a life here too. I have even put in a lot of effort to my studies and my job so far and also to live independently.

What does it all mean now?

No one can help me on this one. I feel alone and lonely for the first time, yes I do. It's a big decision, and maybe it has been contributing to my poor health recently. I shouldn't be stealing puffs here and there on a daily basis, but then again, I shouldn't be doing a lot of other things either.

I shouldn't even be here.

And no, this is no impulsive thought, I have been at it for a while now. It's just that the feeling is compounding, and its intensity is greater than ever before.

Everyone will say I am a fool, or an ingrate even. After all, I was the one who so badly wanted to be here. I don't care for rumours, it's my life. They won't understand what went wrong, even I don't.

Everything just seems so wrong.

All those things I have built up, all those things I so strongly believed in, all those things I so craved for and enjoy and sought after, did it all matter?

Give me one day or a hundred more, I still won't be able to come to a firm conclusion. It's all about playing by instincts. What's gonna happen these weeks ahead is crucially important. I won't be a very happy person. How can I be happy when a serious issue like that is looming? So it seems like my new friend is not the only one here who is caught up with it, it just proves that I have been living in oblivion for a while thinking I am so at ease. It's all bullshit.