Prease Fastens Your Seats-Belts

So I am back to cool weather and clean air again, but it comes with a catch, and it is called work. This is the only obligatory touristy shot that I did. Since the last time I was there, Beijing has become much more chaotic and polluted and crowded, no thanks to the mad rush towards the Olympics. The food is still good though, and it is still cheap as ever. I can't say I can agree with some of the crazy things they do though, such as having someone to dress up as an emperor and standing on the Forbidden City Main Gate to do the Evita-wave. C'mon, this is one of the greatest architecture in human history, it's not Disneyland, it doesn't need cheesy gimmicks like this to draw in the crowds! Besides, the square in front of that gate was used for execution in the olden days, not for the emperor to greet his subjects, nor was it for camel rides (duh!). And yes, please stop eating dogs too! And the sorry sight of those deep-fried starfish and seahorse on sticks (all sad and curled up), geez, it looks as though they died a really painful death. How could anyone (or how does one) eat those things??

Those aside, the greatest reward for this trip is seeing the really, almost incredibly, adorable Amanda. Even though I went straight from the airport to the hospital and waited aimlessly on the couch with a bad flu, no thanks to the screwed up weather in Singapore, it was worth the trouble. Makes me feel old being an uncle, but I guess that's worth it too. I am planning my next trip already.

And just like the movie 'Junebug', the arrival of baby Amanda exposes the fragile family dynamics as hidden resentments and anxieties surface, as well as the breaking down of unnecessary facades. It's been an enriching trip, in both cities, in all ways. It is no doubt tiring, with too much conversations and meetings and dinners and drinks and all, but it is all very real, very stimulating, very strange even. And yes, there were too many people unravelling in front of me too. From mum to friends to my sister-in-law to her mum even. I am amazed at how I dealt with it all, really.

If I had the means, I would seriously consider doing a psychiatry course. Sure beats this CB science-tist position that I am having now. And two of my close friends figured that the reaosn why people are flocking to pour their woes to me is that because I don't judge, and that I never hold anyone's past against them. Either that or others think I am a bloody himbo who wouldn't have a clue what they are ranting about and all they ever needed is just a pair of listening ear and no intelligent feedback is required. Whichever the case is, I am destined to run this course of being the unoffcial Uncle Agony. Maybe I could establish a career as a Catholic priest specialising in attending to confessions. Yeah, sure, whatever.

I dare say I was very composed, logical and sensible and confident and genuine, very different from how I have been these past few months, which I have lost it somehow. This is how I have always been, or suppose to be, the level-headed and optimistic Julian. It is almost an awkwardness on its entirety that I have to be away from my daily life to regain my sanity and confidence. Maybe being in the presence of fanily and very close friends does help in a way too.

So everything leads to this, what I have done and who I really am today. I remember all the days and the years, but now I feel that everything is somewhat arbitrary, the overseas job, the pay, the PhD, the travelling, the fine food and fancy clothes and the polished image. They are only choices, one thing and then another, yes or no, and I could see how almost easily I could slip out of this life, these empty and arbitrary comforts. I could simply leave it and return to my other life, where my brothers and my stint as a scientist and Melbourne do not exist, where there is only the essence of me, a boy grown into a man, still full of hope, still capable of anything.

Reading my diaries that I have recovered from the storeroom in Bishan was quite an experience. It was especially so during those boring hours on flights. Some things were simpler and even more trivial then, but I guess it's all a matter of relativity. It's not to say my life is any better than then. Be it five or seven or even ten years ago, there are some recurring issues that never seem to go away, and there are always the unfulfilled dreams.

The unfulfilled ones aside, all I ever wanted when I was 18 was to lose weight, get rid of my acne, make it through my diploma, survive the military, and join Singapore Airlines so that I could see the world and experience life. I was envious of people who are always travelling, even to places like Beijing and Sydney even. I have been to all those places now and many more, and I was thinking about all these while being a passenger on an SIA plane. I couldn't help but think that I was almost an aircrew. I s'pose I still think about it every now and then. After all, in that other life, I have no other ambition other than being an air steward.

So yes, that is the other life, a life where I would have signed the contract and would still be going around the world now, where the airports will be my office while the cabin will be my lab. But that's the other life.

I have now come back to this one and it has never been an easy one..

So all in all I had a good trip, albeit the bad air and crazy people in Beijing. I am beginning to miss the yum cha there but I certianly don't miss the pages of dog dishes in the menus. With the meetings with the in-laws (read: Village People, and yes, that stupid song rang in my head whenever I see them) and the dirty toilets and the dust and smog and rude people, I am glad I packed my sense of humour in too.

As for those few days in Singapore, I had a good time too. Maybe I let myself go too much in terms of good food and clothes shopping, but that's me when I am happy. I miss my friends but I wish some of them will go easy on the whole status and money thing. Just look at what money has done to our family, all the rivalry, the angst, the jealousy and the ultimate sorrows. Just make what is enough and make the best out of it. Of course everyone could do with more money but when does the chase end? So it's best to take it easy and let it slide most times. Overall well-being and contentment is just as important in life too.

So yes, maybe I have left my heart in a crazy, busy city the day I was born. And maybe that explains my compounding boredom here. Melbourne is still good to me, that's for sure, but I know I certainly need more most times.