Discard the Message

I am so glad I made the decision to make it a rare quiet Friday evening, 'cos when I parked myself in front of the heater after my shower, I was feeling so grateful to be home and all. After the week I have had, I s'pose I need some me-time and to take it slow and easy.

The earlier part of the evening went pretty well too, went down to St. Jerome (have since become one of my favourite joints, day or night) and shared a bottle of wine with a colleague, followed by a fusion Indian dinner of sorts. What better way is there to wind up the (hectic) work week with a coupla drinks and good food and offloading some gripes with a fellow workmate? Of course, we touched on other aspects too, and along the way it made me realised (even moreso) that I am not alone when it comes to expecting certain stuff from certain people, particularly some colleagues/friends that we share. So I s'pose I shouldn't be too harsh on myself as well as others when it comes to that. And we made some loose plans to take a trip to Vietnam at the end of the year and that really got me excited for a while. I hope it's not just cheap talk over drinks. It would be nice to be able to stop by home for a bit over Christmas or something and than make it northwards to Hanoi. I will definitely try to sort this out in the next few weeks.

Other than walking away from the ATM and leaving my cash there (which I didn't get to retrieve, of course) and bidding a friend farewell (she's heading home for at least 6 months) and having a helluva week at work (really stressful but it was quite satisfying too, I don't deny), I gave my blog address to a person without even thinking much! Well, it's not such a big deal or much of an issue really, but I s'pose some things are better left unsaid or untold, or so I think. On my part, I have managed to convince myself not to stir things up (if it's even within my capability to stir up anything at all in the first place). I know it's pretty weird to begin with (not the friendship bit but as to how my thoughts are going) and the circumstances just wouldn't allow anything to develop. I am not bitter or depressed or anything quite like that. I s'pose I am just sorry that it has to be this way and I can't help but to have "what-if's" running through my head at times. I am surprisingly sensible this time and I am even somewhat willing to accept things as they are (although I do feel indignant at times about this particular course I have to run). I still want to keep this person as a friend, I still appreciate all the conversations and meetings that we have. We are still friends, that's for sure. But is that all there is to it? I feel that I am putting in so much more effort to maintain this friendship. Having said that, I s'pose I am still inspired but it's not to say that the motivation is not diminishing. Afterall, I am well aware of the situation and the months ahead are going to be harder to catch up with this person due to several reasons. Again, it's circumstancial and that's nothing I can do about it. On that note, I reckon I am a bit frustrated too.

To cite a verse from a Split Enz song,
"I don't want to say I love you
That would give away too much
It's hip to be detached and precious
The only thing you feel is vicious"...

...but why do we always have to play this game? And for how long can I maintain so? I do not want to explain myself too much or to have to justify my actions or words with this person. I know my intentions were all good even though somtimes they might come out all wrong. At least I know I didn't do anything expecting something in return or to be unnaturally nice just to get some approval or attention. I dare say I have been me all the while and nothing was forcefully acted/planned out. I know I might not get appreciated and all that shit but what can I do about it? Kick a fuss, demand some things or pull some confrontational stunts? No, none of the above, it's never my style.

I am not particularly good with words tonight, so maybe the whole of last paragraph doesn't make any sense at all. The bottomline is, it could be all great and fantastic and wonderful and all but it just sucks that the whole truth is not so. It could also be all casual and friendly and fun but that's just too damn hard, and maybe a bit fake and shallow even. And no, I certainly don't wanna live in denial of anything. I am awake and I will be awake always.