Wish I Could Offer You A Ride

It’s been like forever since I last wrote an entry, or maybe it has indeed been like forever already. After all, I felt like I have been out of Collingwood for a while now and I must say I am not missing it at all. There is not a second in the entire day that I even remotely think about that place. It’s another chapter for my stint here and I won’t be re-visiting it anytime soon.

I also toyed with the idea of getting my dream car but the idea was sparked off and suppressed all within a week. Funny how I moved from one plan to another right away without giving myself any break in between. I s’pose I am just being impatient or it could also be that I am trying to squeeze in as many things as I could before this year ends (as if there hasn’t been enough already). I would love to if I have more time to sus things out but I just don’t have the luxury of time on hand currently to do that and to consider things through. For this year, there are only 2 weeks left in terms of my time in Melbourne. I know it’s just a car and it does not equate to signing my life away but the whole idea can still get pretty overwhelming, especially when the car I have in mind is not exactly a friendly one in terms of price. I need more time to see it through and don’t want to have buyer’s remorse down the road. I s’pose this little adventure will have to be added on to my list of to-do things for next year, if I even have a list on hand right now.

However tiring it may be, I must admit I am liking the new place, despite the little glitches and design faults it may present here and there. I had a strange little dream just the other night. I can’t say I remember exactly what it was about. I did though, the next day for a fleeting moment, but that evening when I tried to recall it, it seemed to have completely slipped out of my mind. In any case, it was not an entirely bad one at all. All I can remember right now is that it was a tesseract of events that involved the new house, the car I was going to buy, and a person I still think of every now and then (and happens to drive the same car, same colour even). I should not be giving it much thought, really.It will only make me miss the person unnecessarily.

I must admit my nerves are fairly shot at the moment. Work is crashing down and the politics are just compounding. I am barely holding up but I know I have a job to do and a living to make. I don’t want to get too bothered by anything and I don’t want to fly at anyone. I don’t remember when was the last time I had a night with more than seven hours of sleep. I s’pose I won’t feel too at ease until everything with the house is settled and when my work is done in Chicago. I have not given much thought on how I want to spend my few days of leisure there and I have not thought about Christmas presents at all either. I know all these are secondary but it just goes to show what frame of mind I am in currently.

It was kinda disappointing that I did not manage to get a car and drive it soon enough, but I know I should not be whingeing about such a banal issue, because after all, there are many people out there who are more troubled by real serious issues, like I just spoke to someone who could not afford rent and has been two weeks late, and someone who will be out of job soon, or that my own brother might go to jail soon for drunk driving and assault but that’s because of his stupidity and it’s another (boring) story altogether. So the bottomline is, I should just learn to be a little bit more patient and just wait for the next batch of cars to come in, which is April next year. Without sounding too much like consoling myself, it should not be too painful a wait considering I will not be in Melbourne much these few months ahead and also, I don’t have the luxury of driving to work since I work right here in the city, so it won't make much of a difference on my day-to-day life.

I should get some rest real soon, and I am aiming for this weekend, before my duper-long haul flight on Monday morning. I better make the most out of this week then, if I am not too distracted, that is.

Closing the Book Before It Burns You

So I did a trip to Mildura for the third time this year last weekend. During the the first time I was getting over something, the second time I was caught up in the midst of something, but this time, I am glad to say I am so over everything. In fact, this is the first time I don’t feel weary about coming back to Melbourne, simply because there is no dramatics and theatrics to come back to, just the usual stress I face at work lately, which is, still alright, I s’pose.

I had plenty of time in the car to just idle away and think about all the events that have happened so far (again). You can say I am a tad obsessive when it comes to checking the status of my feelings against recurring events, such as trips to Mildura, and gigs by the same bands and all that. I can’t help it. it’s a way to measure the milestones and to see if I have indeed moved forward, or even possibly, backwards. So for this time, this trip, I can safely say I am no longer hung up over anyone. No more two different persons but with the same name.

I have to say I owe it to the second person for having an influence on me to be more conscientious about my work and be more focused and motivated in whatever I do. You made me see the fact that a quiet life is not necessarily a boring one. You can even say I have grown up a little just by our brief acquaintance. However, I will never agree with how you handled the situation between us and what you said, or didn’t say, that night. You should not have asked me out to talk if you have nothing significant to say and you should not have made that comment about the car. I don't know why I still remember such things, really. There are still many places and books and movies and songs that I want to share with you, but I know it is pretty pointless really, since it will never change the fact that we can never be together. I think I am still willing to be friends, but I know I will have to be the one who take the first move since I was the one who pulled the plug.

Of course, the question remains. When will I feel inspired enough to do that?

As for the first, I don’t know why I was so smitten before and I don’t understand why we can never run a normal course, yet we have so much influence on each other. I still listen to Neil Finn and I still enjoy so. I reckon u like Jason Mraz heaps too. I don’t know why I didn’t say hi when I saw you in the city and I don’t know why you didn’t either when you saw me on Smith, and only told me so later. No matter what, it doesn’t really bother me anymore because I don’t care if we are friends or not. Maybe, subconsciously, I am even hoping I don’t have to deal with you again. It’s just too much effort, really.

In any case, first, second, that name, who, where, when, beginning or end or whatever, I just don’t feel anything anymore. I can think back on everything and actually not feel the ache. I can even joke about them. This is definitely a good indication that I have managed to shake everything off and moved on.

Oh yeah, and it has been 43 days without lighting up a stick.

Anyway, just three more sleeps till I move out from Collingwood. Another chapter. With all the preparations and money spent on shopping for the house and all, I guess it’s just about time. I wish I can shoot my incompetent realo though.

Turning Off The Bright Lights

So I survived a really crazy week at work. Crazy in all ways. The workload, the politics, the competition, the viciousness and of course, the people; the over zealous ones and the utterly annoying and irresponsible ones. I was absolutely smashed at the end of each day. There was an excruciating gum ache that drove me to the verge of insanity too, but I lived after a visit to the dentist. It will not be an optimistic week ahead either, with the presence of a couple of visitors from overseas, one of them being the one who promised to move me to a safe place if the hurricane struck Houston but was nowhere to be found when I actually needed him. In any case, with the importance of professionalism in mind, I just have to disregard that side of him and be as pleasant and co-operative as I can in order to get the work done. It’s not going to be easy but again, I’ll live.

Just what is actually required of me? Both at work and at the social front. From what I am aware of, I have to be absolutely independent and logical and smart at work. When things go wrong with the machines and the system, people just come to me expecting that I can, and will, definitely fix all the problems in no time at all. I have been with this group for almost two years now, but this is only my fifth month in this post. I don’t necessarily and readily know what to do when a situation arises and for the most part, I am definitely still in the learning stage for a lot of things. I am not whinging or feeling indignant or anything, it’s just that I hope I can indeed do my job well. Like I said before, work is going well at the moment and I almost don’t mind all the stress. All I hope is that things will remain good for a little while longer because I always harbour a degree of insecurity when it comes to work. Things can go downhill almost as fast as you can say the four-letter word.

So what about things at the social front? Just how do friends, both past and present, perceive me to be? I know my life these past three months have been very different from how it used to be, and I don't expect them to understand or to accept it. I can almost say it is a pretty drastic turn even. The things I do (or don’t do) and the company I keep (or shy away from). There is no solid reason for the change, I just feel like it. I s’pose some people expect me to remain as the person they have always known. A friend who will be here soon expect me to lead him into a wonderful and exciting life full of parties and going to so-called “happening” places with heaps of fun people and all that. And my ex, who has recently started to catch up with me, expects me to be the guide to all the exciting and new places and all the fancy restaurants and bars and the colourful nightlife in Melbourne. I must admit I was definitely the right person for such a role in the past (and it wasn’t even a remote past) but I must say they have caught me at a wrong time now. I am in my most dormant and solitary period at the moment and I have just begun to enjoy the quieter side of things. I do admit I have always perceived my stay here as one big vacation and that I am here to collect experiences and to meet new people constantly and that maybe, thinking in a really foolish kind of way, that I have absolutely nothing to lose or to be afraid of.

In hindsight, I can’t say I was wrong but I wasn’t absolutely right either. I am just not the person to turn to for all these things anymore. Of course, I don’t mind the odd nights out for a big one, but I just don’t do it ever so often like before, to the point that my health was suffering. I am no prude but I am definitely more awake now. Maybe I am being a bit extreme here and arrogant even, but I feel I am doing the right thing at this stage. With my work finally picking up and me rounding up yet another year here in Melbourne, I can’t afford to bring unnecessary drama to myself to drag me down once again. I want to end this eventful year in a good way and more importantly, to begin a new one with the correct frame of mind. I know I can’t prevent bad things from happening to me but I s’pose I could minimize them by being more sensible and logical with my own actions. I am not saying I am doing very well now but I think I have enough drama these past two years to last me for a while. I can even say I am tired already. For now, no one can blame me for being a bit extreme in keeping things in check. they will not understand and I have no intentions in explaining.

Maybe to those who have not gone to the crazy places, both figurativeIy and literally, that I have been before, they might find it exciting and enticing. Yes, you only live once, but why start now when you have never begun before? I s’pose it’s alright to attempt any crazy antics and shenanigans when we were much younger but once you missed that period of carefree youthfulness, there is nothing you can do about it. If you haven’t had all the fun back then and tried or seen all the unusual and twisted little things in life, there is just no such thing as making up for lost time now. It will only be foolish and detrimental to even try now. We go through different stages in life and there is no turning back. I accepted that and they should too. Of course, it might all turn out differently for them, and that their lifestyle won’t backfire on them, or that they won’t get burnt by their own actions. But I have, so I won’t go there again. I have done some things I should not have done and have gotten involved with people whom I should not even get close to in the first place. I was foolish then, I still may be. But till I slip and fall again, I will mind my steps and try my very best never to stray again. After all, I still have past wounds to lick and bad dreams to forget. Work? Yes, I have an obligation to perform and a defined role to assume. Social wise, I s'pose I don't really have to answer to everyone, do I?