Circa Una Scusa

I should have gushed about this like much earlier, but one thing led to another and I just didn't have time to do much that I wanted to do, as always. So yes! I have finally seen Jason Mraz live, and like two nights in a row! I even took pictures with him, silly ones no doubt (but who cares!), and got his autograph on my Mr. A-Z dual disc. His voice is flawless, his range is amazing, his style, his goofy cuteness, his smile and just about every damn thing about him is simply SO damn fantastic! I can't gush enough, I can't find enough flowery words that could do justice to his greatness. All I can say is, I will definitely continue to count him as my favourite male singer of all time and that I am darn glad I have recommended him to so many of my friends and that I am so bloody lucky (for once I think that way) to have stayed long enough here in Melbourne to attend both his acoustic performances which is what I like best. Nothing beats an intimate acoustic gig, especially in the case of the Great Mraz himself!








And quoting a line from one of his songs, I have indeed sold my soul to the devil, and maybe he did promise me hell, except in this case, it's not something I can say I know so well. I said yes to my boss finally. It's not so much on the 3-year contract, it's more about the other goodies in the bag. The promise of a PR and PhD is too hard to ignore. The thing is, the idea of doing a PhD has already been long flushed out of my system, since getting an international postgraduate scholarships is a near impossibility. Now that I am being given this offer, it suddenly appears right in my face again. And now that I have said yes, I am wanting it all over again. I know I am giving myself unneccesary pressure here but who doesn't like a positive outcome? It will be disappointing no doubt if the application falls through. So yes, I am going to get all the paperwork sorted out soon, submit the whole chunk of it, and just wait, which is the most effortless yet most painful bit, as always. So I skived off from work last Friday, a hangover from a mere six/seven glasses of beer, it doesn't make any sense at all. It was worth the trouble though, since it was the final Mraz night. Went for a senseless trip to Mt. Dandenong on Saturday to have a taste of the much over-hyped Devonshire (shit) tea and woke up duper early on Sunday to get to the Camberwell (garbage) Market. I don't know, it seems like now that I know I am gonna be here for a while, I am desperately searching for new things and new places and most defnitely new solid reasons for me to stay here. I know none of the places or activities will allow me to find what I am looking for, and that none of the people I have known here will make me stay, and this applies to the people I currently know too. As sobering as this fact is, I s'pose I still could live it for the time being. Well, I have to anyway. Work is here, and it seems like my career path is going to be here too. Human relationships seems to be secondary at the moment. If there is no one I can be with at the moment, then I may as well be with my work, right? Yes, it's another oh-so-sad truth but the thing is, I don't feel sad at all. I should just concentrate on it. No time for people whom I was caught up with in the past, and no time for fake friends either, and yes, I definitely have no time for people who don't care much for me.

Head In the Sand

So I have survived the first coupla days with them as a couple. I am only referring to them as 'them' because it's never my style to mention names here, there is no intention of any form of disrespect at all. Anyway, I was asked the question this evening, that is, if I could, would I move out? Now that I have a little more thought about it, I s'pose I would, but of course, the fact of the matter is, I am not ready to do so in all ways. I would still very much prefer to have housemates than living on my own. I think maybe I am weak like that. Also, to put it crudely, I am not willing to fork out the extra expenses to take out a place of my own, not to mention the lack of choices and space. And yes, it will only seem unnecessary and silly to go to that extreme, it doesn't have to be dramatic or ugly like that. If I were to really move out solely based on this incident, it will definitely leave a crack in my relationship with them, especially with him, who has been my best friend for a while now. And for the record, I am not 18 anymore, I shouldn't even be bugged by such issues. Having said that, people are people, and no one like changes like that, me included. I don't think I will, or can, ever like the idea of living with a couple who used to be just friends, especially when they are both my friends.

Somehow, I feel I'm not reacting/behaving right. I thought (always) I will be happy for them. I wish I could be happy for them whole-heartedly just like my (our) friends back home, except I can't because there is the extra dimension in my case, being their housemate. I am sorry if I sound silly, but I didn't sign up to stay with a couple, and I almost resented the fact that I am again being pushed into the corner with absolutely no choice at all. The thing is, I am really happy for them. Besides, for him to make the move, I could tell he is really fond of her. So why the hell am I feeling this way? Also, I don't wanna appear to be this bitter, old (and single) bitch, but I am afraid I might already have. A part of me is telling me that this will pass and all I needed is just a bit more time, but a certain part of me is being stubborn in a way.

I can't control how I feel, neither can I command myself to switch on and off certain feelings, as clearly illustrated by my life so far. Is that the reason why I have been screwing up relationship after relationship? And am I heading towards destroying not one but two friendships now? I shudder to think, because never in a million years would I want that to happen. I may be destructive at times but not that self-destructive yet, I hope not.

I try to talk normal, I try to behave normal, I try to still tell them everything like before. I hope it's not all too stilted. And why am I so conscious of it? That's hardly good at all, it makes everything seems like an effort. I better stop before something serious really happens. I am thinking and writing in circles here, ain't I? I should stop now. Only time will tell.

Landing On Another Planet

Somehow, nothing feels the same anymore, or maybe, nothing is the same anymore.

I am glad I survived yet another painfully long plane ride. An hour of waiting and then another to Dallas from Houston. Two hours of lay-over and then three more to LA. Hung around for two hours and then the big one of twelve hours to Auckland. Two hours to stretch my legs and to wander around like a zombie and yet another three and a half more before finally reaching Melbourne. I don't know how I did it, but each time, I managed to do it all the same. And with the introduction of Auckland into my route, I have set a new personal record.

So I got back to work and was promised all the things I have ever wanted. I know this is partly due to my friend's resignation, and is just a ploy by my boss to spite him. And yes, somehow, I am made the pawn and the eventual 'winner' it seems. A three year contract sounds overwhelming, especially at a time when I have almost half a mind to pack up and leave it all behind. Besides, do I want to get on to PhD anymore? Have I got the stamina for it? For this field, for this city. I am finding all the reasons to stay here longer than end of this year. On the other hand, I have enough reasons not to go home either. So yes, maybe I am caught up in a state of limbo, and it is not a comfortable position to be in. I have, in fact, been feeling this way for a while now, but never really gathered enough guts to admit it and to actually spell it all out here. It's not helping really, it makes the truth even harsher and sadder. With the passing of each year and the trips that I have taken, I just don't feel the same for this city anymore.

And so it took three trips to the States, one long one to Singapore and another to Lorne for my two housemates to finally get together. For a moment there, I thought it will never happen. I wasn't surprised or anything, as I have always seen it coming. But as always, as any other things in life, anticipation is one thing, to actually have it happening is another. The reality, in some ways paradoxical, is always more surreal and as phantasmagoric as it can be. You accept it and face up to it as though it isn't real and maybe even hoping that it will all go away soon enough and that somehow, everything will return to how it was before. Except of course, this is where the meaning of reality comes in protrusively and that this will be the truth from here on and that it is there for you to make the most out of, if you are optimistic enough, that is. I am not saying their being together is a bad thing, of course it is not, at all. In fact, I am pretty darn glad for them and that they didn't run into some fuckwits out there instead. And in any case, it is totally not my place to comment on anything. I was even somewhat chided for being such a nosey parker over the incident. I felt a strong sense of indignation there as I was one only because they are my friends and I care. I could have reacted strongly to that and would have even blew my top off but I avoided all that by putting up a fine performance of a good-natured protest and a few fake smiles and it all ended well. So maybe it isn't so hard to conceal my feelings sometimes and to prevent a potentially ugly situation from happening.

And so I have been relegated to the back seat once again, haven't I? I should be getting used to this by now I s'pose. And with the way I am currently leading my life, I s'pose it will be like this for a while, and I shouldn't really be whinging at all. It's anybody's guess as to what will happen between us, and 'us' being split into unequal sides now, but I will not be bleak about it. They are both my good friends and I will continue to be their good friend too. Nothing has to change but am I trying too hard to convince myself here? This certainly reminds me of The Squid and The Whale, where the household dynamics all changed in one night.

As I have always said, what do you do? Really, nothing is beyond my control and the world does not revolve around me. However I may be feeling does not matter at all. A new day will come and go with no reprieve and this city will change and so will my workplace and my co-workers and my friends. I could either go along with the flow or I could be left alone in the crowd and at this stage of my life, I am definitely choosing the latter. It may not necessarily be a happy choice to take but it is certainly a comfortable one.

I'm Done for the Night, Dude.

Six pints of beer and two magharitas! Geez, for a moment there, I thought these guys will never call it a night! It was great fun though, and I am glad to see another side of these guys who seemed all too serious during the training. It all started out with me and a French guy, who happened to hit it off pretty well right right from the beginning. Well, he was here last fall when the hurricance struck, so maybe there is a tad of common ground there. So we had an amazingly huge dinner last night at Cheesecake Factory, and am I glad to finally have company for meals. the travelling is alright, but having meals alone is no joke at all! So yeah, it started out with the two of us, and then the Germans kinda made friends and then a Californian joined in. It definitely feels like back in school days again, where I am the initiator of the so-called 'in' group. It's all pretty fluffy of course, but it's good to know that at this age, I haven't lost touch yet. For a while there, I thought I can't be bothered to be sociable again, so it's really good to know I am still there when it comes to having fun. Phew!

It's great to have completed the course this time round. I have learned much but at the same time, it inevitably made realise there is certainly a bigger field out there and also, how silly and arrogant the people are in my group. It doesn't hurt to admit what you don't know, and I just don't understand why they pretend to know it all. It disgusts me to no end.

Along the same line, my best buddy at work is hopping pond to greener pastures. I am really happy for him. I s'pose it will certainly be different without him, but I'll live.

Last night here in the Woodlands, off to uptown Houston tomorrow for some serious shopping, I really need it. I am looking forward to going home, but obviously, not the flight.

Lone Star

Nope, I am not referring to myself (although it could be appropriate too), neither am I talking about the Norah Jones' song (which incidentally, has been ringing in my head) but the the state of Texas, otherwise known as the Lone Star State.

After a 15 hours mini-coma on the first night and another 10 last night, I am finally all here. I reckon I am feeling just about right, well, if the return of my appetite is anything to go by. I am suffering from caffeine withdrawal though, the coffee here just don't cut it. The southern drawl and the excessive use of cream and artificial colouring in food never fails to amuse me, not to mention inducing a silent gasp to myself all the time. On the other hand, I am constantly impressed by the customer services here, despite what I have heard. The generosity of food sizes, the extras (good bread, big basket of corn chips, containers with super-tight lids for food to go, generous servings of dips and sauces) they throw in, the impeccable gift-wrapping provided and the effort put in designing shopping bags and boxes. I can't help but wish Australia has these to offer too. It really annoys me whenever I ask for gift wrapping to be done but got some crappy tissue wrapper instead, not tomention the unavailability of decent looking bags and gift boxes. Yeah, such is the heartfelt gripe of a shoppaholic, cos after all, I do contribute a lot to the industry.

So work will finally start tomorrow, no more gallivanting around like a tourist, doing nothing but eating, shopping and reading trash mags. I hope it will be fruitful this time, and aim to learn heaps, despite however I might be feeling towards work at the moment. I have no qualms about returning to Melbourne though, I always miss it somewhat whenever I am away, but at the same time, I know there will be no fireworks upon my return either. It will be back to the grind, the usual chores and the unavoidable routine of everyday life.

I'm in my hotel room topless at the moment with the aircon set to the low 60's. The weather here reminds me of Singapore, warm and humid. I s'pose the weather here in Houston and me just don't go. Thank goodness for the mall, at least it kept me cool and occupied. I am in a good mood today, and ended up buying gifts for people back home. Whatever the case is, I can't wait to head down to The Galleria this weekend to get some real shopping done. Yes, other than the coffees, the shops here just don't cut it either.

Something Stuck In My Teeth

I'm at home, in Melbourne, at the moment. I shouldn't be here, I should be somewhere above the Pacific Ocean on my way to LA, but I was booted out of my flight this morning because it was overbooked. It was totally anti-climatic, not to mention draining. I feel like I have skived off from work or school or something. I was at a lost of what to do for the day ahead, being absolutely unprepared for this, having already psyched myself up mentally for yet another long flight. I got a compensation of half a grand though, but really, I didn't feel much for that at all.

Made through most off the day in a trance, and the balmy weather didn't help at all. Had a huge Tex-Mex dinner out in the suburbs though, and it was kinda surreal, as for a moment there, I felt like I was in Houston already. The food was pretty good, and the place was casual, trashy even, but definitely authentic like that.

It's a funny feeling. I wasn't that big on the trip to begin with, and I almost could not care less if I actually got on that flight or not, but at the same time, I feel really down. I don't know what it is, I just don't feel right at all. Maybe it's a combination of frustration, disappointment (but over what?), tiredness, boredom, guilt (that I didn't meet up with Hooiling in Santa Monica), resentment (towards my luck) and anger. I know it's silly to feel like this, especially when it's just a matter of being 24 hours late, and that I can put that dreadful long-haul flight off for another day. So what is it then?

Or maybe, it contributes to the whole frustration that things aren't going my way at work lately. All I can say is I am totally zapped now, and I wish I can snap out of this soon. "You've Got Mail" is on TV at the moment. It's funny how I was feeling somewhat the same and in the exact same position that night at May's place in Seattle when "Sleepless In Seattle" was showing. Now, I s'pose I'll just be silly and wallow in self-pity and just vegetate on the couch watching it. It'll make me feel slightly better, but I'll still wake up tomorrow with the same anxiety attacks but I'll be alright, I'll be fine, but just not now.