You Can Run But...

So I decided to take a walk on this cold but sunny day. By staying out pretty much the whole weekend avoiding my unwelcomed house guest proves to be a tiring, not to mention costly, feat. Work has been busy on some days, and the saga with my brother has reached a whole new level of madness. I have been a lazy blogger too.

What started out as a mindless and relaxing walk turned out to be more than I expected. With my incredible luck, I bumped into my friend, the friend whom I have been trying to forget. Just what are the chances? We virtually brushed past each other, but never stopped to say hello. It doesn't matter, I guess it was intentional on both sides, myabe not. Just seeing a person's face can evoke so much emotions, I have long known that fact. I am feeling totally crappy now, I am no superman. Already I do not have the mood to do much work today. Now, I am feeling worse. I know this is stupid. I mean, what's the big deal really? Especially since when I was the one who chose to pull a disappearing act.

I am partly responsible for the fiasco that happened over the weekend too, with regards to my brother, that is. It was all accentuated by an email I sent to him, not with the intention to reprimand, but with the silly hope that he will be more at peace with his surroundings and the people whom he should care for. Needless to say, it was a futile effort. If anything, it only made him crazier, screaming and yelling and torturing both mum and dad and his own wife. This is all so wrong. It is very sad too.

Why bother with the apologies anymore, in any given direction? They are all so banal and meaningless now and they will hardly change the outcome at all. Some words, once being said, will have a lasting effect and no one can take them back anymore.

So I s'pose I could be excused for being a lazy blogger. With what's happening around me and inside of me, I feel like I am on a bullet train with the scenery outside zooming past me. I hardly have the time or the right mentality to see things clearly or to truly digest what I have absorbed. I wake up every morning with the same recurring thoughts rushing into my mind, screaming for my attention and digging up the memories violently, bringing with them the unnecessary feelings that will only drag me down more.

I almost don't know how to organise them all anymore.

Note To Self

I have had one too many drinks tonight, so I am just gonna say what I want to say. Might not make sense, but I know it's as true as it gets.

I have decided that I will walk away. You made up the third reason why I wanted to leave so badly back there. Clearly, who am I trying to kid? We have different intentions and we will never ever arrive at the same destination.

I will try, in all possible ways. I will try not to look in your directions anymore and I will never be sold into anything ever again.

I do not want to leave it with a sour note although that will probably make it easier to move on. But maybe for once, I want to keep the good memories.

I will never let you know my deepest, darkest feelings and all those crazy emotions and actions that I have been through and done, respectively, for the past couple of months. But never say never.

Definitely a note to self.

And yes, I do not want to talk about you anymore, be it here or in real life. It has been a helluva ride.

JT

Can I Say Your Name?

So I skived off from work today. Nothing particularly wrong with me, just plain old laziness and a lack of motivation to brave the morning cold just to make it to work to face another day of model building. My eyes are going blind, and I am just so smashed at the end of each day for the past few weeks.

There were also the recurring dreams of my friend throughout the night, simply because we finally met up again. I will be lying if I say I don't feel the miss. There were also a thousand things I wanted to say but I did not say any of them. It's all pretty pointless really. Your boredom and my emptiness will have to be cured by other people and places even, and sometimes I do wonder why our paths have to cross. At the end of the day, it has caused me more agony than anything else.

I had a good life before you, well, not good, it was okay. It was empty actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was whereas now, because of you, I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that indeed.

In any case, I have already decided to stay on. I don't suppose the emptiness could be simply removed by heading home. I could run, but I can't hide from how I feel inside. In fact, it could be worse as I have to deal with the issue of having to look for a job as well as handling my brother's meltdown and juggling the dynamics of the family. I could almost appreciate the duties and responsibilities of being part of the family, but I don't think I am ready to face them just yet. Having three other people depending on me spiritually is just too much to handle.

So yes, I don't know what's going happen in the months to come, but I do know I have to make some plans especially in the housing aspect. I wish I could shake you off just like that but I feel too sad doing so. For now, I will try to minimise contact and maybe it will all fade away soon.

No, actually, I might run away from you altogether.