Where Do You Want To Land?

So I received my first globe ever. The emotions were big. It's one of those things that you have always wanted but never really get down to buying it. Having worked for a few years now with the list of want's ever getting longer, a globe is something that just gets relegated to the end of the list almost. It's beautiful, none of those chessy, fragile crap ones, but a good, solid one with a warm glow. I love it. Spun it around to the map of China and took this shot, since that's where I'll be headed for in a coupla weeks.

I am glad the work week is almost over. A really tiring one. Too much teaching which means too much talking already. It didn't help that my throat is still kinda sore. I am glad I did well and the students showed much interest. I am glad my running nose held up and didn't embarrass me either. It was a very rewarding experience and I will definitely continue to do it next year. I am definitely in my domain and I feel totally comfortable and confident doing it. Egoistical as it may seem, but I like that feeling. It makes it seem worthwhile albeit the massive effort and the energy required.

Many potential graduate students made enquiries on doing research with our group. I do understand their concern and I tried to be as honest as possible. Somehow the picture I painted seemed rosier than it actually is. Hearing myself said those good words about my boss and the group, I almost lead myself to believe that our group is indeed a pretty swell one. Maybe the dynamics within the group are really not as bad as I perceived them to be, either that or I am just being very convincing here. I don't seem to know anymore. Either way, I know I will make a bloody good salesman. Maybe I should use the same pitch to either lie to myself or to encourage myself, depending on how you look at it.

It is kinda like what Peter said to me the other day. The usual greetings in the morning and the answer is always 'good'. Until that morning when I actually said 'good, well, you know, the usual good' and in turn, he said 'yeah, good but with the background of something which is hardly good, such as the fact that a mate's husband just passed away last night and they have only been married for three weeks'. So there you go, why do we always answer 'fine' or 'good' when it's not really? Has it become so routine and mechanical or has it become an unconscious act of putting up a mini facade?

It's just one of those little mysteries in life, just like why do we always eat fries with our fingers? We could be having fork and knife in our hands but will still put them down to pick at the fries, even at the finest restaurants? Very strange indeed.

I have been helping a number of people out too at work. I don't feel smug about it but instead, I begin to wonder why I could be so rational and collected when it comes to solving others' problems but not for my own load of shit. It doesn't only apply to work, but in all aspects of my life too. I always play the unlikely counsellor to my friends, the unofficial head of the house to my housemates, and the core of the family that holds everyone together, but where does it all leave me in the end?

My life is nothing but a scattered tray of sand at the moment. I can't seem to organise my thoughts or to put my heart to anything at all. My sense of balance is definitely not quite there.

So what could I do, other than spending a fair bit this week buying fancy baby clothings and all. This is totally a first for me. I could have bought myself some fine shirts with the amount spent, but that's besides the point really. A friend who was shopping commented that it is so sexy to see a guy spending on his niece rather than on himself. Sexy? Really? Geez. If so, why am I still single and whinny here then? Hmm.

A trip up to Mildura this weekend. It's been nine months since we least head up there. The sunshine, the cosy holiday house, the good food and wine, great company and even all the hours of driving will provide a good opportunity for me to regroup myself.

I am still twisting myself into a knot with all the things I can't help from thinking up till even today.