What Have I Done?

Floated around pretty much the entire weekend, been out and about in the city with friends and all, but I was only physically there, nothing more. I seemed to be lost in my world even amongst company. Everyone knew I was not entirely there, but was still patient with me. Maybe it would have been better if they weren't.

And as for Kwok, that night when you saw me in such a sorry state after my little episode, I know you were pretty freaked out. I am sorry for that too. We have known each other for almost ten years now but you have never seen me shed a tear. You were lost for words yet trying to cheer me up at the same time. What a fix I must have put you into, it was hell for you I know. Sorry that your housemate here is not in his usual self. I feel bad about it. I tried to make it up by preparing that seafood dinner and baking yet another lousy cake that almost didn't work. Maybe I should have just holed myself up instead.

Maybe I did it out of selfish reasons too. I needed to do something to keep myself sane, at least when I am in the house. In any case, I didn't do a very good job and I hardly had my usual appetite. So yes, that qualifies me as a bad chef and bad company too.

I may be considered a real wuss as well for telling dad almost everything. I know you have a lot on your mind at the moment, yet you were trying your best to sound me out. I felt like your silly little boy all over again. You hate to see me so miserable and I hate to see you get tormented by Philip too. I wish I could do more for you.

I just remembered today that amidst the whole crazy episode of wanting to leave and all, I was actually given a payrise earlier in the week. It's funny how such a thing could have slipped from my mind but I guess that's because it's so immaterial to me. In any case, I have never asked for more money as is never the absolute solution to everything in life. I wish my brother could understand that too.

But then again, I was also reminded that I have never wanted to study this much and being caught up in this incessant paper chase since I was never the type. Neither have I ever imagined working so hard considering I was such a slack back in uni and didn't even bother attending half the classes. And then yet again, I have never thought I would make it to uni ever since I dropped out from junior college. And then I would not have made it to Melbourne all on my own back then and being forced to grow up. And then maybe I would not be feeling so unhappy now having been bitten by reality time and again and that I am losing my hopefulness a little more each day. And then maybe I would still be the pampered little fat kid back home with access to all the money that I don't have to work for but maybe that wouldn't be such a good thing for one's character too. But then maybe I wouldn't have gone all serious and harsh on myself as my friends have noticed and in turn I wouldn't be having all these conversations with myself here with my silent companion otherwise known as my blog. And of course then I wouldn't have met a certain someone only to be all crazy and overly honest and vulnerable and weak and self-destructive now.

But then what does it all mean really? And what can I say? Other than it is indeed one big bloody fiasco I have created for myself. Nice work indeed, JT.