Catcher in the Rye

So the existence of this little journal of mine has been revealed, and I did it out of my own free will. Blame it on a moment of impulse, blame it on the alcohol that is in my body right now, or even blame it on the effect of chain smoking, but what have I got to lose now? I have never meant to unravel like that but I have done it. I may end up hating myself for this but how can I ever pretend that it was not real at all? What is the difference between letting go of one secret as opposed to letting it all out?

It wasn't meant to shock, or to stir up any unncessary drama, but after knowing just one thing tonight, I know I just have to do it to prevent myself from imploding. Yes, I am almost blowing up inside. I can't stop myself this time. Why and why indeed?

I am sitting here writing again, continuing to drink myself silly. I badly wanted to call a friend, or dad even, someone who knows me well and someone whom I know will never misunderstood me, but I just don't have the strength to. It hurts too much to talk about it. Besides, I just have to deal with it myself. I rushed ahead to fall over the cliff. I am almost being punished for my honesty and my courage to fall for you.

I can read the email over and over again, but that will only make me spiral downwards even more. Who would have thought that I have never felt this way when I was younger but only now? I seem to be going backwards too.

I will wake up feeling really bad and sick and all tomorrow. It always happens like that. There seems to be a delayed response in my system. I feel sick now but I always feel worse when I wake up tomorrow morning. Who says that a night's sleep will provide the comfort and the solution? It's not true at all. I am almost afraid to sleep now as I know the comfort of alcohol in my body will be gone tomorrow, and that the pain will accentuate ten-fold or hundred even.

I have to give a presentation tomorrow. How on earth am I going to do that now?

Between knowing the ending and being fed posion, I choose the latter.

I even have your birthday present with me now, and I was about to post it out tomorrow, hoping it will arrive before the 14th. Does it mean anything now? I am doing it out of simple intentions, but it may be interpreted wrongly now. It was something from a shop that is very close to my heart, but even for that I may be misunderstood for being a materialistic and vain bastard who only cares about branding and packaging. Do not judge me for how I present myself or how obsessively compulsive I am when it comes to my looks. You do not know my past and you have no idea how much shit I have copped for being me then. I have no issues now but I do remember. I rather be vain than to be uncomfortable in my own skin.

I am landing on another planet once again. Everything will be different between us from here on in. Coping is a harder act than flying sometimes.

As for the book I was thinking of putting into the package as well, I suppose I will slip it under my pillow now.