One more for the record

It's funny how I was just writing about being misjudged and all this morning and now I am faced with the same situation again. Just found out from a friend earlier on that a person who is seemingly close to me (and whom I trusted even) thinks I am a jerk just because I can't get stand her boyfriend. She even thinks that I will look down on her based on her poor academic results. On her part, I s'pose she has the notion that I am intimidating (towards her boyfriend at least) and that I think I am top shit now (because of my First Class Honours) and will go around dissing anyone who performs badly in uni. Now, how childish can one get? I guess I still could handle all these crap as I said before, and I can't change the way some people think about me. But I guess what disgusts me most is the fact that she still pretends to be my friend and acts all nice and caring towards me. She would even share a favourite movie or song of hers with me (and I always have a soft spot for silly things like that). And above all, instead of feeling angry or anything, I feel utterly stupid. Stupid that I didn't see her as a foe and stupid that I have always held a high level of respect for her. To think that I treated her as a friend and even spoke highly of her in front of others, damn.

This brings me to my first entry where I mentioned I still have problems at times differentiating friends from foes. I should really work on this aspect of my life I guess. Should I make this my new year resolution?

Na, I don't think so. It's been yonks since I made (or kept) one, really. I know I have done nothing wrong this time and won't care to do anything to rectify this problem.

On that note, I won't even let this incident put a damper on my plans tonight. I am still going to have a good Japanese dinner with my friends later and will still be all cheery and happy at the party tonight. Now I gotta go iron my shirt and start getting ready to head out and play.

Reading the label on a package

Two entries back to back on consecutive nights, I s'pose I'm on a roll. Since I'm on holidays, so what the heck, yeah?

Met up with a few friends from my junior college days and we had a ball of a time, despite being in a less-than-glamorous ambience (we were at a neighbourhood coffee shop, but at least they were serving fried squids and Becks even). Although it's pretty strange to hear someone calling me Alan again, I must say it serves as a reminder that my friendship with these people goes way back. We had a helluva time with the mindless bantering and the inevitable reminiscence of the so-called good old days where we cut classes (especially Physics and Mathematics) like no tomorrow and performing silly acts such as crawling over fences (to get out of school compound) and running down slopes (to avoid being seen) to the bus stop to catch a bus to town just to pig out and to shop. I even remembered those not-so-glorious times where we had to hide in the toilet cubicle just to steal a couple of puffs. Now, how juvenile is that?

I s'pose most people have done many crazy things during their teenage years, and my experiences are no biggie at all. Still, it's always interesting to think or talk about them and how I could see it in a totally humorous angle now. On that note, I can never imagine myself doing all those shit again, and I s'pose that's what growing up (or old, for that matter) is all about.

Of course, what's with my hard boozing tendency and floppy hair and peircings and all nowadays, I s'pose not many people would actually believed I have fully grown up. Without sounding too narcissistic, I don't have to prove anything to anyone, I don't think. As long as I know I am well-adjusted and that I'm no shallow character, that's all that matters. Also, with my relatively young age and the way I dress and play, I believe many people out there find it hard to take me seriously in my field of work. But then again, like I said, as long as I continue to do well and to churn out positive results, they can say or think whatever they want.

Since I'm on this topic, I have to point out that I have always been misunderstood or misjudged, especially on my character and capabilities. Countless labels have been stuck on me. Nope, I'm not angsty over it but I'm just a tad indignant, that's all. For people who don't know me better, it's almost always (yes, it's actually statiscally proven) that they think I'm a shallow bastard with a hollow shell who only cares about nice clothes and good food and going out and being fabulous and all. In addition, they tend to think I'm arrogant and self-centred who is hard to talk to and look down on people easily, as well as being pampered and all with too much money to spend and too little life experiences to make me a "real" person (in other words, a person with a good character and a sense of humility). Now, I honestly have no idea how all these crap and rumours come about, but I gotta say that it's a recurring theme for me. On that note, I have to say I am really appreciative of the friends I have currently who have seen beyond the superficial layer and took the effort to know me as me and not judge me in an unfair manner.

I am always disappointed when some friends still feel apprehensive about showing me their real self or discussing certain issues with me. Why do they feel that way? Is it because they are afraid I might judge them and think less of them in away? Do they think I will be so shocked or impressed that I won't be able to handle it in a mature manner? Or are they afraid of pushing the wrong buttons and resulting in me blowing my top off? I s'pose the answer is all of the above. And again, it's due to any labels that others might stuck on me. My beer-swigging ways, chain-smoking tendency, love of good food and shoppaholic streak have got nothing to do with my character. And more importantly, these habits don't make me less of a person in any way at all.

So to sum it all up, I am seemingly arrogant, self-centered, pampered, pretentious, bad-tempered, vain, shallow, judgmental and materialistic, not to mention having a totally bourgeois mentality. I badly wanted to say I am none of the above (alright, maybe I am guilty of one or two of the above), but then again, we're talking about stereotype here, aren't we? And we all know stereotyping is never fair or of any substance at all. So yup, I don't s'pose I can do anything about it (or inspired to do anything, really) except keeping it real and just being who I am. I'm no actor or entertainer.

Could you fill my glass up, please?

A glass of wine on my left and a half-burnt ciggie resting on the ashtray on the right waiting for my next puff, I s'pose this is the perfect setting to get inspirations and actually sit down and write something.

Something that's worth mentioning will be the tsunami that happened on 26th Dec in this region that has since resulted in a death toll of some 70,000 (and counting) with places such as Phuket, Sri Lanka and Aceh being hit the hardest. Singapore is indeed fortunate to have been spared due to its geographical position (that is, being buffered by Sumatra Island). It will be one of those major disasters that will go down in history and be remembered always, along with events such as September 11th, the Gulf war, the Turkish quake, the eruption of Mount Pinatubo (which resulted in Singapore being covered with dust and smog for weeks) and even the outbreak of SARS, which almost crippled the local economy.

I s'pose at this stage, I'll never be able to understand or empathise with the sorrows of those who are affected directly by these events, except for SARS maybe, as I was back in Singapore then and I saw how the whole thing almost blew out of control causing permanent damages such as high death toll and a high jobless rate. Without sounding too smug, I s'pose I could count myself as fortunate not to have been affected in a major way by any of these disastrous events. However, that doesn't mean I feel any better as it makes me wonder how immature I could be sometimes whinging about the slightest things; things such as not having a partner, not having enough fun, getting acne outbreaks, having too much work, having too little money or time, not being able to travel enough and even things like bad weather and breaking down of stuff such as computer and other electronic "toys" that I have. Now, how small does that make me feel during a time like this when hundreds of thousands of people out there have lost their loved ones, their properties, their lives and their hometown even?

Even with some of my friends here at home, they are constantly complaining about their lives or jobs or families and all and how they are envious and happy for me at the same time that I get the chance to further my studies overseas and will be working there even in the year to come. They have always wanted to go overseas for a period of time just for a change of scene when things get a bit much here, but never really get the chance to. On that note, I s'pose I should really be feeling fortunate and all that and it's time to readdress (not to mention tackle) my insatiable nature.

Mum and dad have always taught me since young to be contented with what I have and that would make me a better and happier person in the long run. I know this is definitely a good teaching but usually the reality is far from the ideal, and having said that, I am, of course, no perfect being (and no one can be either, for that matter).

I s'pose I can only strive for moderation, that is, to cut down on the whingings and the gripes. There's a Chinese saying that goes something like this, "to know and appreciate contentment is the way to go for perpetual happiness" (知足常乐）. I should use this as a reminder to myself, I reckon.

Anyway, to digress a bit, I have to say that after being away from my folks for a period of time now, I truly believe in another Chinese saying, which is, "it's always good to catch up once in a while, but it's never easy to live together under one roof"（相见好，同住难）.

Different Stations

So yes, another Christmas with too much food (or meat to be specific), booze and expensive presents. It's funny how much effort we put in leading up to this day but it's all over before we even know it. I had fun though, I truly did. I'm really glad that I am still with the same group of good old friends whom I've shared many Christmas's with. This year we have some new additions to the group but that's alright, cos we still had plenty of fun and the vibes were really good. I s'pose the icing on the cake for me was sneaking in songs by Crowded House, Jason Mraz and Betchadupa (whom incidentally was playing in Melbourne tonight) at the party. It's amazing how I could be in a totally different environment (or in this case, a different city even) with different groups of people but the feelings invoked when I hear those songs are pretty much the same, that is, I get into my private little world where I'm all happy and uplifted and everything seems fine and that nothing matters at all. Of course, sometimes it works the opposite way for me where I'll be all pensive and sentimental when I hear certain songs, especially those that remind me of some incidents or someone even. I'm definitely not alone on this, because almost everyone feels the same way when it comes to music.

On that note, I reckon whatever songs or genre of music one gets into largely depends on what situation or place one is in at the period. For me, I s'pose I'll never get this crazy over Crowded House and Neil Finn if not for the fact that I'm in Melbourne this year. On the same note, the reason why I started the whole Jason Mraz obsession is due to the fact that the song "You and I Both" relates to an encounter I had with a person at that time and "The Remedy" was the song I needed (or the words in the song rather) at that time when I was so caught up with the whole to-head-back-to-Melbourne-or-not episode. The bottomline is, listening to Jason Mraz's first album will always remind me of 2003 while his live album will bring back memories of last winter when I was going through a really difficult, not to mention lonely, time. Despite the passing of time and having moved on and all, it is always a pretty amazing and fascinating experience to listen to some songs every now and then to bring back those poignant memories and feelings within yet again. It sounds pretty strange but it's true.

I s'pose it's still a tad too early to say what Crowded House and Neil Finn's music will remind me of. Afterall, depsite my rapidly-developed obsession, I'm still relatively new to their music. It will definitely be an amazing journey down memory lane when I play all these songs that I've been listening to so often nowadays, say, five or even ten years down the road.

And to go right back where I started, I really hope that the same bunch of friends whom I have spent Christmas with tonight will always be my friends. Since we have stood the test of the past decade, I am sure we can work on the next as well. On my part, I'm definitely willing to put in the effort.

I'm home! Or am I?

I s'pose this may seem a tad corny but clearly, I've just come to understand (and feel) the song "Homesick" by The Finn Brothers fully just two days ago, even though I've been listening to that song quite frequently for the past few months. It happened when a friend asked if I were 'homesick' for Melbourne, as in missing the friends and places and everything I enjoy back there. I actually didn't think much of it at that moment but it hit me suddenly that evening that she might be making references to the song, maybe even making a dig at me for my new-found obsession with all things Finn. It turned out that she wasn't and that she just happened to use the word 'homesick' with inverted commas and all when asking if I were feeling strange being back here.

Still, that got me listening to the song carefully again and it impressed me to no end how appropriately those words relate to how I am feeling right now.

"Homesick
For the people that I live with
Homesick
For the spirit I'm missing
Homesick
For the country that I'm living in"

...just to qoute a few lines. Nope, I'm definitely not having a bad time here at home. In fact, I've had a pretty fantastic time so far with mum and dad and catching with some of my closest friends doing stuff we enjoy so much like shopping, pigging out and sharing a few (too many in fact) drinks and doing some silly dancing in a bar. It's just that I do feel strange at times, especially when I'm having some time by myself. I could be in a shopping mall, in a pub, on the train or simply just walking down a busy street. I don't s'pose I could describe the feeling entirely but I could sum it up by saying that I feel like an outsider, like a tourist even, right here in my own country.

So what gives the strange feeling then? Why would I be missing a city which is not even my hometown? I s'pose the only logical reason I could come up with is that most of my growing up leading to the ultimate development of who I am today was done while I was in Melbourne, away from home. My habits, my ambition, my beliefs, my independence and even my quirks and annoyances, were all moulded into shape somewhat solidly during those times. I don't want to say that I've been "Aussie-fied" or anything, because that would be too pretentious and may sound lame even, but it's just that I'm pretty comfortable with my life in Melbourne in a way, be it socially or professtionally. Maybe I'm so used to my life there that it has become the norm for me, and that intrinsically that's how I percieve the "norm" to be at this moment in life. Hence, maybe that's why I do feel a bit strange to be back here, even though I shouldn't be, since this is the very place I grew up in and am so familiar with.

Of course, I do not want to over dramatise things and make myself a total pest by being ill-adjusted and all that. I am sure the people around me will be unpleasantly affected if I do. Nope, that's not the way I want to go. It just that this whole idea on how one develops a bond and appreciation for a place intrigues me to no end. What is it that makes a place so seemingly beautiful and charming, that one would go back for more incessantly? Is it the people, the climate, the culture, the food or the memories that the person holds within himself? For me, although I am not absolutely certain, I s'pose it would be people and memories. Without sounding too sentimental, for some of the firm friends I have made and the things I have achieved or experienced these past couple of years in Melbourne, I will never trade them for anything in the world.

Tell me something new

Three more weeks till the end of the year and just three days before I head home for Christmas holidays, I still don't know what's the outcome of my application or if I would get to keep my position here or anything. A senior co-worker told me such is the life of a scientist, that is, it is full of uncertainties and any future plans are totally dependent on budget and grants that the research group is gonna get. I s'pose I shan't whinge about it since I chose to be in this field and should know this by now, but still, it is a frustrating and awkward situation to be caught up in nonetheless.

Of course, I have to add that I am generally less concern over the whole issue of my future now (as compared to a coupla months ago). Maybe it's because I'm getting tired of it already, either that or I'm in a pretty good mood due to my upcoming break, I don't know. In any case, just like all other things in life, I just have to learn to take it a little more lightly and not go all upset and mental over it.

Just got to know a while ago that several researchers in the group did not get the fellowships and grants that they applied for, which translates to having a lot less money for the group in the next year. I should get pretty depressed by it as it will affect my chances of working here directly, but oh well, it's just another piece of bad news, nothing shocks me anymore I guess. All the things that have happened thus far in life have sorta desensitised me enough to deal with bad news already. However, I do hope I will not turn into some pessimist or party pooper though. I still want to believe in life and have things to look forward to in order to maintain my drive for the road ahead.

On that note, I should use this as a reminder and not spoil my holidays and make my time with my family and friends for the month ahead any less enjoyable.

Serendipity?

First I got part of my fringe burnt by doing a stupid act of trying to light a ciggie from a stove last night (and had to spend like halfa painstakingly snipping off the burnt strands delicately) and today, my fresh piercing (below the lower lip) dropped out while I was having a coffee and I was bleeding like a slaughtered pig in the middle of Lygon Street. Is it one of those (or two of those rather) days that I could rule off as just plain unlucky? In any case, being the cynical bastard that I am, am I s’pose to even believe in luck, fate and all that in the first place?

Which leads me to readdress the recurring thought that I’ve been having (and discussing with friends) lately, that is, are the people we meet in life depicted by fate or is it simply a matter of choice? When I say a matter choice, I mean if we are making a conscious effort (or subconscious effort even) to choose who we want to meet or what sort of friends we want to keep close to us? For me, almost all the friends I have are some sort of twisted (not necessarily in a bad way), possessed a warped sense of humour, less-than-homely, and hardly conformists to society in a way. I have to say I’m not complaining though, I wouldn’t have swapped my current friends for anything in the world really. It’s just a thought that I’ve been pondering, that’s all. Is it because of fate that I meet a certain person? Or is it my character or lifestyle that has led me to meet and know a particular person? What would have changed if I haven’t? Is the eventual development to what or who I am today due to the people I have known?

People come and go throughout the course of our life and on that note, some are good and some are of course, people whom we wish we’ll never have to entertain again. However, are we always sensible and level-headed enough to differentiate the good from the bad? Even if we have identified that someone is having a negative impact on our lives (be it in a relationship or someone who always puts you down, zaps away your confidence, kills the fun or something), will we be able to walk away from him/her? What if we keep going back to the one person whom we need to walk away from? (Incidentally, two of my friends, identities witheld like they do in doco to protect their privacy, just confided in me last week that they are caught up in such a situation.

I s’pose everyone goes through thoughts or experiences like these, and I’m no exception either. In fact, I don’t deny I wish I’m strong enough to walk away from some people, so that I wouldn’t be hanging around and making compromises and in the midst of doing so, losing a bit of myself each time and retarding my progress in moving on with my life. Do I have to hate that person (yes, I still think hate is too severe and ugly a word) before I can turn my back on him/her totally? If this is the case, what does the person have to do for me to develop the hatred? Afterall, it sure takes a lot before I can hate someone. Detest and despise, yes. But hate, I don’t think so.

Tracing the Steps

I gotta 'fess up I do spend a fair bit of time at work doing personal mails...I s'pose I'm not alone on this, yeah? I'm still doing the whole retrospective thing (please bear with me) and have decided to put in excerpts from mails I've written to some of my closest friends for the past few months. They might not mean much to anyone but they are certainly my words, and looking back at them have sorta helped me chart my days (and emotions too) throughout this year. Also, by putting them in chronological order, it helps to fill the missing parts in my blog.

“…been charting my days for me, and he pointed out that y’day was only the third day I’ve been alcohol-free for the past six weeks!” – 301104

“Just when I thought it's all over, he broke into 3 more songs ending with ‘Better Be Home Soon’...that did it absolutely!! I was in such a state that I cld’nt even get out of my seat!” –- 241104

“Got my first class, yes, first class Hons, sounds good, doesn't? But na, not letting my already big head swell bigger or anything. In fact, I don’t feel thrilled or anything at all..not even glad, just totally flaaaat.” –- 191104

“I s’pose some stuff are just too hard to explain. I don’t reckon I'm mad or crazy or anything, or maybe I am. And I truly learnt that other than my 3rd year marks, there are other things from the past that will catch up with me constantly.” – 171104

“So after spending almost $90 and being entertained by cheesy teppanyaki chef and getting fried rice tossed at me (and landed all OVER me) and sipping a combination of champagne and green tea and cocktails and water later, I DID feel glad I went for the dinner.” –- 161104

“I spose it's cos of the thesis defence I had y'day which was an absolute torture...it lasted for 30mins but it felt like 2hrs in there and I felt smaller and smaller as more questions (which I cant answer) get thrown at me. Shld have taken the day off today but I've got stuff to rush and a in-house seminar to attend, so here I'm am chain smoking (sort of) and downing coffee and muffins. I hate to sound like a drama queen but I think I really overworked this year and hence, I'm SO over work now. Taking no break back in mid-year and having just a week off after my thesis was a fucken bad idea. But then again, a lot of other things were bad ideas too in this year.” -- 151104


“Put myself on waitlist for an earlier flight home...I need a longer break, I've been working too hard! I'm on the verge of burning out, I feel it coming already.” – 111104

“Rich but depressed or poor but happy..hmm, I don’t know, that’s a tough one really...but surely, when one goes out too often and get exposed to too many different scenes/things, complications arised and oh well, the rest will be sob stories to tell sometime down the road.. ..not that I'm the kind of sad bar fly who'll drown my sorrows in some musky li'l bar.” -- 091104

“woohoo! someone's getting a brazillian wax!...tsk tsk, will I be lucky enough to see u in a skimpy bikini this summer?” – 081104

“After drinking 14 nights in a row and having 3 hangovers and too much junk food and movies..I'm finally back at work.” – 071104

“Back. Thesis and getting tipsy by 4pm y'day, thats where I was.” – 181004

“Indeed, excessive coffee and ciggies' the best way to kill one’s appetite. A few mouthful of risotto, half a bowl of soup and I feel like throwing up already.” –131004

“..funny how we can talk about almost anything, including stuff within the bedroom and all, but when it comes to salary, it's such a hushie” –- 200904

“It's just one of those days that I wake up wishing I can sleep forever and it doesnt help that my boss caught me first thing in the morn discussing about my thesis...” – 190904

“The Jason Mraz DVD/CD set that I ordered from the states is finally here..spent the whole arvo y'day fixed to my sofa watching it..and getting the standing-hair sensation and going all *gulp* and *whoa*.. if I were ever at his concert, I'll definitely be one of those mouthing to every line he sings and screaming and perpspiring and eventually just passing out and get carried out horizontally...” –190904

“yup, it may sound overly sentimental but truly, it will be nice if all 3 of us could be in the same place..then again, it might not be a good thing cos we tried it once (last summer up in Brisbane) and the vibes weren't too good...it might be the weather, it might be just me” – 150904

“So I got front row at the fashion show...ya know, the kind who's just by the side of the runway smiling and pretending to be really into it...first up was a retro 40's/50's chic with a 12-men big band and all..very lively. As for the men's underwear show.. men in g-string playing with REAL snakes and walking bulldogs and all..and yeah, I felt myself actually looking away with the bulging muscles (not to mention the bulges) less than a metre from me.. the highlight will be free flow of champagne, the new Bailey's Glide and choc mousse and souffle....” – 060904

“Didnt do much today...just back from a 3hr lunch/slackfest at my friend's place sipping coffee and smoking at the backyard on a moth-eaten couch...perfect weather and perfect way to kickstart the week” – 050904

“Just gotten tickets to the Finn Brothers concert in Nov!!! I was so excited that I ran around the lab shouting and jumping!! Yes, like striking the lottery! Woohoo!! This is even more exciting than graduating from my course!!” -- 030904

“Every now and then we need to go to places with chi-chi crowd to humour ourselves..as in, see the funny side of us being under-dressed/too slack (but never frumpy, mind u) or how they are so seemingly chi-chi yet we always emerge as the beautiful ones...” -- 290804

“Yup, iPod is ruling my life at the mo', not so much on the machine itself but what's in it that counts...due to my addiction to Jason Mraz, Neil Finn and The Killers at present, I can't stop listening to them and hence, can't live without my iPod cos it virtually allows me to have music on thru'out the day.” – 230804

“was on the tram and saw this pensioner using a FM (manual) tuner with 80's style big head phones and all and obviously enjoying herself...while I've got my iPod and a sense of guilt just set over me...also, with the new Finn Brothers album plugged in at that mo', I could almost go *gulp*.” -- 230804

“There're still ten thousand things on my mind at the moment and can't say I've been having much sleep. Alcohol seems to work the reversed way for me now cos I usually get up early as old hell whenever I drink heaps..as oppose to in the past when I could just crash and sleep in.” -- 210804

“Back in action...long meeting + long walk + collecting cake + long lunch + long coffee break...which brings me to 3:55pm and my Friday is almost over!” -- 190804

“I s'pose the bottomline for your situation is that you're feeling bored, and it's not necessary to dissect it to find out if it's due to people or the place. That said, I s'pose it's a vicious cycle we can never get out of, that is, we keep craving for new things/people/places but we tend to get bored faster than we can actually aquire them...” -- 190804

“..nothing major, just a 30mins jog, any longer and I s'pose I'll have a flashback of my life going thru' my head.” – 170804

“Yes, two years ago..and two years later, we're still on this.,maybe this is a repercussion of wanting the job so badly when we were younger, that we can never get it out of our lives. I still tripped out every now and then just wondering the "what ifs"..that is, if I had gone for interview again just before I came here when they kept calling...” – 160804

“..and of course, been stuck on Crowded House and Geroge too...and I could even recognize a song by the former aty the first note, just like I do for most hip-hop songs (altho I gotta say again that it's slowly slipping away from me). “ -- 160804

"Weather was nice and all y'day and hit a high of 18C in the arvo, to the extend that I actually went for a jog (!!)..of course, I shld've gussed that it's Melbourne and the weather changes as fast as my mood and it's all cold and wet and dreary today with an average of 8 or something... No wonder Crowded House wrote a song called "Four Seasons In One Day" for Melbourne..yeah, am trying to promote a tad of CH here..” –- 150804

“Seems like we're all caught up in a vicious cycle we can't seem to get out of. It's a matter of control I s'pose...we can never be completely free of it but I reckon it's within our control how deep we wanna be in.” – 090804

“She went to bed around 1am but I could’nt bear enter my room. So I hung around in the living room drinking (more)and listening to Crowded House. Yeah, I know, it's not a very happy sight.” -- 040804

“One abstract, a muesli bar and two ciggies later..I think I can just sprawl on my desk and sleep now...cept of course, I can't cos I've got a report to do in the arvo.” – 040804

“Tellin’ me that I look like Hossan Leong is the last thing I need to know, dude, just like the last thing I need right now is another person living in my room.” – 030804

“Yes, Crowded House..remember I used to hate stuff like that, i.e easy-listening rock like those played on Class95 FM...but now, damn. Truly, never say never” -- 030804

“And also, I'm not even whinging about the pressure coming from all directions now. I understand that it's part of the package of growing up, so whats the big deal? No worries, I'll live and complete my studies, thats what I'm here for anyway. The shennanigans in my life are just distractions to keep me afloat (in a sick way). I won't muck it all up.” – 030804

“Yup, I dont' deny I'm stressed out..by many factors as I've already told you. Also, eveyrday I get new surprises..yes, like EVERYDAY since god knows when.” – 020804

“Dad sorta figured out that my disrupted sleeps are due to excessive alcohol consumption...in addition to ciggies, coffee and tea….Think I'm dying insideously.” -- 010804

“Then again, why am I encouraging to bawl your hearts out? What sorta advice is that?” -- 290704

“I shouldn't have re-opened a can of worms. What was shut should remained shut, I guess I learn it the hard way. I s'pose I have talked enough about it to my friends here and to friends back home..and I hope I'm moving forward at least. After all the advice I've dished out over the years, innit funny that I'm finally on the recieving end?” – 290704

“Once again, let me assure you that I will not clash with your brother...even tho with my current state of mind does point to me snapping at anything minor. I give you my word that I will let anything slide. So no worries to that.” – 270704

“….already feeling a tad detached from home and I s'pose another major change won't make much difference. Don't even care if I have no home to return to (even though that statement does sound a bit sad).” – 200704

“Na, no worries regarding the bit on your bro. You put up with my dad for 5 whoppin' weeks, so a week for me should be fine. In any case, if he happens to dislike me or vice versa for that matter, I'll just knock
off later.” –- 200704

“Since the departure of Cindy and Dad, I've been having the house to myself for 3 weeks thus far already...plenty of Julian time to reflect on my existence here, and plenty of personal space to sort out some stuff..and of course, I don't deny the empty apartment is giving me anxiety attacks sometimes..the silence is just too disturbing.” –- 180704

“Have you ever had the feeling of "gulp" when u hear certain songs? I know I have..especially the past few days.” –- 130704

“I s'pose it's so much easier to say "yeah, it's nice to be home and all"..since "nice" in modern context is such a casual and impersonal word anyway. So yeah, just stick to that and it'll be simpler for both parties.” –- 080704

“I don't know, I always feel so much more independent and stronger whenever I'm out here, say, as compared to when I was back home. We tend to take our friends (not to mention our existence) for
granted and whinge and whine and pine like there's no tomorrow.” –- 080704

“Maybe it isn’t too good to get all penned up and broody all the time but I've learned to come to an equilibrium with that, cos clearly, there's only so much I could talk about it, and there's only so much I could let it affect my life. At the end of the day, as I've always said, we still have to go on with life and to achieve what we're here for initially.” -- 100704

“The mo' I stepped into the office, a co-worker of mine asked "so what label are u wearing today?" My answer was "oh, it's French Connection" and with a bit of an apology, I realised that my inner sweater is from FCUK too..and my bag, and shoes and belt for that matter...and he realized and commented "FCUK from head to toe". Suddenly, it hits me that it wasn't even a conscious effort and that it's gone a tad out of hand. One of my aims of this year is to somewhat curb my shoppaholic ways..and it shits me to no end that I'm not making any improvement at all.” -- 050704

“stuff like a total of THREE people are interested in me (one I already sorta felt it a while back) and the two others are a real surprise. Instead of making my already-big head swell bigger, it actually shits me to no end cos truly, why can't it be the someone I want?” –- 040704

“I s'pose I'm like a character in ER now...having a totally shitty personal life but still rocking up to work on time as tho everything's fine and all..and at the end of the day, returning to an empty apartment. This will go on for the next one month..unless of course, there's a twist of plot (which I doubt so).” –-280604

“Farewell with dad was relatively painless, u know me, I dont handle farewells very well and I'll just do the "bye" thing and thats that. yeah, the problem with me is that I don't cry..not cos I dont want to, but as u know, I simply cant. The feeling is definitely funny..esp when I was driving alone after leaving the airport. Lifehouse CD was on and it was getting a bit much for me that I had to change to Kylie for some upbeat and cheesy music. You can imagine how stuffed up I must be feeling.” -- 270604

“I thought I could handle monetary issues pretty well but it pretty apparent that I can confront all other issues but money. It makes me utterly uneasy and truly, it depresses me to no end. More so than
anything else.” –- 200604

“But I always know that it's worth it to be back here again not just for the shopping or the food or the weather (although they contribute to my happiness here) but most importantly, i know I am doing what I thought will be right and I'll hate myself forever if I dont try it out (even tho there's always a risk of it being a flop)..u know what I mean?” –- 160604

“For me now...I get depressed by all things funny but it's got nothing to do with my existence in Melbourne or the family or anything like that...it's just some quirks and annoyances and peeves and dopamine-suppressing things that I can't possibly think of an explanation for.” -- 060604

“Spoke to dad on Sun..seems like he's really happy about coming over, so I shan’t be a bastard about it. Will drive him out to some faraway
country town over the ‘end to spend some time with him.” -- 170504

“Too much drinking and silly dancing on Fri and had a major hangover on Sat during my trip outta Melbourne..” -- 030504

“Recieved a call at 2am on Sat morn' from a private number...I s'pose it must be from one of you guys..either that or I'm finally gettin' a booty call (yipee!)..but then again, I missed it anyway cos I crashed at around 12mn.” – 030504

“I'm not entirely big on the idea of my old man heading this a-way in a
coupla weeks' time..cos being out here allows me to live the way I want
it to be...a Julian's world run entirely by Julian's mind. Not necessarily a flawless or organized one, but at least this is me...” -- 030504

“One year of protein biochemistry at work, another year now + all the lectures and assignments which are on nothing but proteins....so there goes 2 yrs of my life on protein research. So maybe the two major turning points are 1) giving up JC and 2) giving up SIA. Funny how both are concern with me actually giving up something.” – 260404

“So yes, it can suffocating once I've realised a certain problem but am completely helpless when it comes to rectifying it.don't just tell me to go out there and find someone cos I'll kill ya for that..cos it's just not so easy..” -- 170304

“In any case, all I can say is I need to return to normalcy soon..which sucks shit cos it's Mon and there’s no way a person could even remotely feel normal on the first day of the week...” -- 140304

“Am starting my project in 2 days' time but am NOT feeling anything at all..damn, is that normal? I'm astounded by my own indifference...” – 210204

“… have to say it sure feels funny to be back…not funny ha-ha of cos, but just feel totally different..maybe it's cos I was having like one of the shittiest week of my life trying to secure a place to stay. I didn't even have the mood to shop at all..when that happens, ya know it's serious! Walking down the streets I used to like or having food that I used to kill for no longer do anything for me..damn, now I'm genuinely well on my way to being a depressed f***, either that or I'm headed for the status of a certified nutcase..” -- 170204

“Seems like I settling down fine but not entirely, and I'm not even inspired to head down to the city to settle my bank stuff and ...never thought I'll do the whole missing thing but I do miss my friends and my parents to a certain extent..I don't know, it’s not as though my friends are not treating me kindly here (in fact, they are just SO nice which make me feel kinda overwhelmed). Anyway, not that u’ll believe I could actually feel overhwlemed by attention…” -- 100204

“Just salivated while staring longingly at a jacket at FCUK this morning...so much for turning over a new leaf.” -- 100204