Talk To Me

So here I am again, doing an entry in the middle of a work day. It doesn't help that work is slow at the moment, and I am totally smashed by the work I had to do over at uni this morning. So I s'pose it's alright to trip out for a while and write something here.

I watched Closer again last night. Isn't it funny how I could actually watch that film again during a period like this? Somehow, in an inexplicable way, I did feel better after watching it, which is contrary to what I would have expected. It was this very movie that triggered off so much thoughts and emotions about the relationship I had with that person, and maybe also responsible for giving me the inspiration and driving force to do and say what I wanted to eventually. Although it turned out to be futile in the end, I have tried my best and at least said all I have wanted to say.

I hate to sound dramatic like that, but maybe it takes this film to open and close this case, and I really hope this case is well on its way to being shut forever. My initial plan was to allow myself a grand total of one day (which was Sunday) to dwell and wallow in this silly mood, but it seems like I have lost control and let it spilled on to now even. I know I can't go on like this. I just cannot afford to screw my stint here in Melbourne up like that. I have to be fair to myself and to the people around me, especially those who actually care for me. Instead of being appreciative and reciprocating their attention for me, I'm passing on the viciousness that I got from the person. What happened to all the cool promises I made to myself in the last entry? Since when have I gotten to be such a prick of a man who's all whinny and weak? Where is Julian?

If only I could bawl my bloody hearts out now, except physiologically I can't. But then again, who says I am allowed to actually shed tears over such things? Oh c'mon, if I really do that, then I guess I am done for, I will despise myself for sure.

So yes, talk is cheap, but I definitely need the strength and energy to move on. I don't know if I can do it, I shan't make any more empty promises.

I just have to get the song 'The Blower's Daughter' by Damien Rice out of my mind now. It's so haunting and depressing it's not even funny anymore.