Is It You?

I should have slept in, that was what I intended to do anyway, except I could not. The 1,000 things going through my head at the moment are probably bubbling over and that inevitably kicked me out of dreamhood with just slightly over 6 hours of sleep.

It's like a line from a song by Keane, I'm trying to stay awake to remember my name but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same anymore.

So what's eating me? A bit of work, a bit about the day and week ahead but certainly a major part due to recurring thoughts that have been around (and exceptionally strong) these past few days.

Couldn't it ever be something tangible and sweet and easy? Why isn't it possible on my part to play a casual game anymore? Why don't I get satisfied by temporary gratifitication anymore? What's the price to pay when staying just friends isn't good enough anymore and I want more? Do I want to trust this feeling? Do I wanna let it pass me by? Could it actually be different this time?

I have to be logical and realistic, and definitely not pessimistic or jaded. I can't change what I am feeling or thinking and I won't. They are there and they are real and I just have to deal with them. In the days to come, I don't know what to expect or what I want but I do know what I don't want. No, this time, it's not a mess or anything quite like that. In fact, it can be strangely beautiful too in a way, but it doesn't necessarily come with a happy ending.

I don't think I should try to put all my thoughts into words here. It's just too hard. Yes, too hard has been a recurring theme too. So is too wrong, too complicated, too frustrating and too damn sad.

What's with this constant struggle? What's with all the bloody rules and tricks? Why can't I just say whatever I want or have the rights to pursue anything? It's just not all about me anymore, well, at least certainly not so in this game. Ｗhy are the circumstances and timing so wrong?

可說是相逢恨晚嗎? Yes, I s'pose that applies too.
It's hard to explain eveything in my head, especially when it can be stuffed with fairy floss and chewy caramel most times.

I hate to say this, but it seems like I am living out the plot in Before Sunset now (as well as In The Mood For Love, the dead end situation, the frustrations, the agony) like almost identical, except maybe in this case, it isn't so much of a two-way process.

I will leave it as that for now, I have to get on with my day.