Never Say Never

I get affected by my surroundings easily, and by that I mean the people, the environment I work and live in, as well as the weather. I don't deny that each of them is contributing to my current state of mind. It's never easy to write something like this, I feel all the emotions of a good cry again. I get scared by it, as to how vulnerable I can be and how I seem to be in this cycle once again. It wasn't so long ago that I thought my work is in place and that I am in equilibrium with my life here. I s'pose I was blinded then or maybe, simply, I just chose to believe that it is so.

You know how it is when you are feeling kinda iffy about a trip but you choose not to think about it because the ticket has already been bought only to find out that the ticket was not purchased due to some muck-ups and then you realised you actually have the chance to re-consider the whole deal? It kinda threw you off-balance because your mind is activated once again and you toy with the idea of giving it all up while you still can without dragging it on.

This is what I am faced with at the moment. I have not signed the contract and the application for the residency status has not yet been submitted due to an incompetent human resource department.

So once again I am tempted to let it go, and once again I am freaked out by the thought of being here for another three years, I never thought that I would arrive at this point, a point where I am so tired of being here.

I've never thought I would stop loving something which I once loved so much. I fought for a lot to come back here, and I gave up much to establish a life here too. I have even put in a lot of effort to my studies and my job so far and also to live independently.

What does it all mean now?

No one can help me on this one. I feel alone and lonely for the first time, yes I do. It's a big decision, and maybe it has been contributing to my poor health recently. I shouldn't be stealing puffs here and there on a daily basis, but then again, I shouldn't be doing a lot of other things either.

I shouldn't even be here.

And no, this is no impulsive thought, I have been at it for a while now. It's just that the feeling is compounding, and its intensity is greater than ever before.

Everyone will say I am a fool, or an ingrate even. After all, I was the one who so badly wanted to be here. I don't care for rumours, it's my life. They won't understand what went wrong, even I don't.

Everything just seems so wrong.

All those things I have built up, all those things I so strongly believed in, all those things I so craved for and enjoy and sought after, did it all matter?

Give me one day or a hundred more, I still won't be able to come to a firm conclusion. It's all about playing by instincts. What's gonna happen these weeks ahead is crucially important. I won't be a very happy person. How can I be happy when a serious issue like that is looming? So it seems like my new friend is not the only one here who is caught up with it, it just proves that I have been living in oblivion for a while thinking I am so at ease. It's all bullshit.

The Long Day Is Over

So I survived the trip, or maybe I didn't, since I came down with a temperature when I got back and was knocked out for a whoppin' 17 hours. It was all pretty good actually, mucking around the vast property, trimming the damn blackberry bushes, playing lawn bowl and having a steak dinner in candlelight no less and then stargazing which included a couple of shooting stars and the milky way even and plenty of wine and conversations flowing and then, of course, maybe too much of those two.

An experience like this sounds totally like something out of a movie. It could be considered too romanitc or sweet to be true. Truth is, it was indeed all very nice but then the nice little picture was somewhat marred by knowing some things more about my friend that maybe is better left unknown.

The debate here is, quite clearly, is it better find out, or rather, confirm my suspicions this early, or live in la-la land for a bit longer only to discover the same truths? Of course, there is always a time and place for everything and maybe our 'discussion' went too far ahead to the point that it actually put a damper on the whole experience. Conversations and thoughts flow easy when you are in a state of physical intimacy, not to mention the excessive flow of wine throughout the night. You said it out, you recieved some ideas, you asked some questions and also faced being asked, and more often than not, the answers are not always what you want to know, or even care to handle.

I s'pose I could be blamed for steering the discussion into 'that' direction and maybe I am indeed regretting now. But at the same time, it could have been worse. We were stuck together out there and there was no hiding or running so we had to deal with it, which we did. At least we even managed to laugh about it the morning after and agreed that we should never have had that talk. Things went on normal, too normal, for the rest of the day except I was less-than-chatty due to my fever.

So it's all still up in the air at the moment. We will still be in touch. In fact, we are catching up this evening and maybe even this Saturday too. I just found out there is an expiry date to this friendship though, as my friend has finally sorted things out with the mum and can leave overseas for work with no qualms in about a year's time. After knowing this, maybe I am glad in a way that we talked about those stuff on Saturday, at least a few things are more in place now, and we have a more solid basis to remain as just friends.

This time, I am actually alright with this arrangement if it is indeed gonna be this path we are heading down to. I don't feel tragic or anything. In fact, I may even be pleased in a way as it means our friendship won't get mucked up by anything. Friendships are hard to muck up, unlike relationships, which are so volatile and unpredictable. And with all the baggages and issues that my friend has, no one can do anything to help get them sorted out. If a person can't get his life sorted out, a life with another person is totally out of the question, so yes, maybe I don't want to sign up for that too.

I have just been there, this whole issue of where I want to be and what I want to do and what I strive for in life. It's never a nice place to be. I wish I can help you and make you a little surer and happier but it's beyond me.

For what out short aquintance is worth, I think I have given more than a friend should already.

It's all about making it last a little longer now I s'pose.

My Carrie Moment

Am going to the countryside with my new friend tomorrow. Imagine this, not a country house but a cabin (I call it a friggin' shack). No electricity, no showers. So yes, which means no hairdryer and no heater! On top of that, I've gotta do some work, like trim some crazy blackberry trees and some painting job and some other shit like that. I have definitely sold out this time man, like majorly.

Sell out! Sell out! *start throwing stones at me*

This is like Carrie going to the countryside with Aidan, and then whinge to no end (well, at least he's got a log cabin). I will have to call Sam Jones (Kwok) to come rescue me if the need arises. Clara played Charlotte to me all this while, being all positive and encouraging, while Wun did a Miranda unknowingly, rolling his bloody eyes and giving me the you-know-you-want-it shit. I know I deserve no kind words, since I actually agreed to it.

I'm gonna keep an open mind about it. I mean, what's the point of making things difficult for my friend and more logically, why make things difficult for myself? Between being Paris Hilton and Outback Jack, I choose the latter because I wouldn't like having Paris around much either. I am almost don't mind trashing my Gant hoodie out, which is what I'm gonna wear tomorrow.

And I thought last week's meeting was a test to what's happening between us two. Nothing beats this weekend, like absolutely. I've got good choccies, Japanese snacks, Red Rock, wine and my iPod ready. I mean, if i can't have the the daily luxury of city life, I may as well stuff my face silly with good ol' junk food yeah?

For better or worse, be it worthwhile or not, it is indeed something new and even if nothing works out between us two, there will always be the crazy memories, however short-lived it may be eventually.

And yes, I have to crawl out of bed at 6.30am on a Saturday morning. Where does the motivation come from, one wonders.

Should I Believe in Signs?

Have you ever bent over, tied your shoe lace, listening to a specific song thinking of a certain person, done tying, looked up, and saw the very person standing right there? I have never, not till this evening, that is. It sounds totally silly, cheesy even, but I must say the emotions were pretty big, so big that I was tongue-tied and stupefied. The same person I spent a very good time with last Friday, the person whom I dubbed as my new friend these past three weeks.

Just three weeks, it doesn't seem like much time does it? No, it doesn't, and no, my emotions and thoughts are not running wild yet, not this time. Why so? If I seem to like this person enough. That's why, maybe. I don't want to rush anything. I don't expect anything. So even if nothing works out, I want to keep a friend, for once.

I have been discovering more good things about my new friend with each meeting. It sounds good, but maybe it is not really. No, I am not over-analysing things again, I know I tend to. But you know how it is when you find out the good stuff about a person first before the bad ones, which are present, no doubt, and then form this false impression of the person being perfect and all that only to be in for a shock later? All these so-called good things should not be a basis for wanting to commit to a person, they should only serve as added incentives. It sounds a bit too practical for my liking but I know I can be rational like that. I don't want to be muddle-headed by all just one side of a person and start raving about it and then only to come up with all these reasons, or excuses even, to plunge in blindly.

I do like my new friend, have I mentioned that yet? But not in that way yet though, funnily. However, I am beginning to realise that I am liking this person more and more. Fate seems to be throwing me situation after situation to reaffirm the fact that this person is, indeed, a pretty fabulous being.

Last week I heard about my friend's date from hell, and I couldn't help but feel glad this person in nothing like the freak he got caught up with. Last night I had dinner with yet another blast-from-the-past, and all the time I was making little comparisons in my head and at the same time wishing I could swap company instead.

Why are all these characters making a re-appearance now? Are they really serving as contrast to make me see things clearer?

All these encounters, all these conversatons not only made me realised how normal and nice my new friend is, but also the fact that I have indeed outgrown a particular type of people and how my expectations have changed, drastically.

It's like in this almost crazy society, it's refreshing to find a normal person, someone who could even be labelled as boring even. Ask me just a year ago and I would tell you no way will I even remotely consider such a person, but how things have changed.

To sum it all up, it's like you have always like Restaurant A, but just liking it only, no major cravings, no big emotions. And then you try Restaurant B, serving the same type of food, but inferior in quality compared to A, after which, you actually realised how good Restaurant A is, and then you have a new-found respect and liking for it. That's nothing wrong with this, except now you know you can hardly dine at Restaurant A casually anymore because of all the hype you have created for yourself and all the emotions that comes along with it. You can, of course, choose to continue dining at A to make yourself happy except now, you want this happiness to last and you are afraid of jeopardising something.

This time, I am playing it all differently. I don't how I could cope with it but it seems like I can. I am taking it real easy and slow, and totally not too flustered like past episodes. I just have to keep reminding myself I want this person as a friend even if nothing works out, not like before, like never before. I respect this person more than just the physical bit, especially after seeing those old-school Enid Blyton hardbacks on the shelf. Like seriously, I could have melted at that very moment. Silly little things like that, I must say I am a real sucker for.

Juke Box Blues

I lost something today.

I lost all the songs on my iPod, songs I love and have collected over the past two years, all 13 GB of them, all of them, all gone, in a matter of seconds. No one likes losing anything, it makes you feel like you've have been punched in the stomach, gutted even, all sickening, all weak. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing to feel tragic about, I sound totally silly saying it and feeling this way, but I can't help it, I'm only human. I'm mourning for a loss. You never really know you needed something so badly until you lost it, do you?

Music makes up a third of me, so yes, I am feeling totally tragic here now.

Let me make a little promise to myself here. I will appreciate my job more and to be more grateful that I am having it. That is the one thing I tend to be less than thankful for. I tend to abuse it more thanI care for it. It's also the thing I tend to detest and even let loose whenever other aspects of life are not in place. I will try my best not to ever do that again. I am sorry, whatever it means and however silly it may sound.

I will appreciate my friends more too, which has been a recurring debate I have had with myself lately. I know I have been a good friend to all my good friends, but it seems like I have not done enough, and maybe I have even been taking them for granted at times. I know my friendship to them has always been true, and as sincere as it can possibly be, or rather, as far as my inspiration has taken me. But somehow, I suspect that it has not been coming across that obviously. I know talk is cheap, so I reallly hope I can prove to them somehow. I want to do more, I really do, especially to my two housemates (pictures of them), whom I count as my very good friends, but may have been copping shit from me. Somehow a voice in my head is telling me that I have not been particularly nice to them. It is really nothing personal, I still adore them whole-heartedly. I am just, still, adjusting to the change in dynamics in the house, and coming to terms with the things that have been happening in the past 7 weeks since my return from the US, both in the professional and private sense. I wish I can apologise to them in a way but that would be too abrupt and may even come across as a tad too stilted and dramatic.

Sometimes, somehow, the actual message just get lost along the way.

I bawled my eyes out, like majorly, when I was watching Bridges Over Madison County last night, and even after. I have never, like ever, let my tears flowed so uninhibitedly over a movie before, to the point that my eyes were all puffy when I woke up this morning. I know it's almost weak to be like that, but I could really appreciate the film. Every scene, every word, every expression even.

Yesterday was just a pretty fascinating day in its own way. I never thought I would be the one lending a listening ear to an old friend, and for the first time, feeling that I am actually the stronger and happier one, even during a time like this when my private affairs are all up in the air. I am not feeling smug how the table has turned, I am just glad. And later in the evening after a pretty good, clean fun at the zoo, a Mexican dinner was in place and again, it made me appreciate my friends so much more thinking of all those meals spent alone in Houston. All the best TexMex food within my reach but all I yearned for was just some good company to have dinner with.

Again it sounds totally wussy of me but there really is no denying humans are all lonely creatures at the end of the day. And it only gets worse as one gets older. Before it was just bored, now it's bored and lonely. I am not sad saying it though. I s'pose once you have established and more importantly, acknowledged it, you tend to accept it and live with it. It's not so daunting anymore really.

I will end off with a line that really got me in Bridges Over Madison County.

"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them."