Sinking Feeling

So I had to face up to the inevitable thrashing-out session with my flatmate last night, barely an hour after I got back here to Melbourne. I s’pose it’s alright for me (even though I was dead tired having just 3 hours of sleep the night before and having endured a long flight with delays and connecting flights and all), since we might as well just get it over and be done with. The whole session wasn’t entirely an ugly one, but it wasn’t overly polite either. I reckon I was the one who actually wanted it that way, since I am so over being polite already. After talking for more than two hours and stretching it till four in the morning, I have to say we were going nowhere but just being plain repetitive. Also, on this incident, I am not willing to entertain all the things being said about me (be it true or untrue) and I am certainly not inspired to channel any energy at all to find out the truth about anything, be it who is right or wrong, or whether the seemingly flawless friendship I have with her (up to this point) can last beyond this incident.

The bottomline is, on my part, I am willing to let it go on like this without rectifying anything and accept that all the rumours going on about me are true and all that, because I am not inspired to put in the effort to dispel any of them. It just goes to show that she doesn’t know me at all, even though she claims she counts me as one of her close friends and that she will be sad if she loses me as a friend. I s’pose I have been let down too much and been pushed to a corner where I feel totally numb and can’t reciprocate the feelings at all. I am prepared to lose this friend, however sad it makes me feel while I am typing this. Maybe I am being too stubborn to refuse her apology and explanations, but one is allowed to be stubborn when one is infuriated or hurt, and I am no exception either.

Just had a chat with a mate about this earlier, and it makes me realised how tiring this whole issue is. I should be using my strength to deal with other more significant things instead, such as looking for a new place to stay, which, by the way, is a real drag as I am still being haunted by past (bad) experiences in finding accommodations. I know I just have to bite the bullet to do it, but I am definitely procrastinating currently, which is not good at all. I don’t deny that it depresses me to no end thinking about all the issues I have to deal with at this juncture, and I certainly hope that I will not be taken to a deep, dark place again which I had been before. On that note, it scares me as much as it depresses me. I can’t even promise myself anything at this moment, as I don’t know if I can handle everything.

Maybe I should stop to get some sleep now, because I am not thinking straight at all and it’s freaking me out.