Jagged Li'l Fire Pill

I am not proud of myself today.

I was such an angry man. First I cracked it at the tailor just because he was 15 minutes late and I refused to wait another more, demanding that he send the pants to my work place. After which I had a go at the building manager. He has always been a difficult man to work with, but I always let it slide, for the past two and half years in fact. Today came the deal-breaker when he actually started banging and throwing shit, that's when I flew at him. I was on the phone with the a guy from the police force in Singapore and I lost my patience when I couldn't make out a damn word he was saying. It wasn't so much on the bad grammar, but it was the poor diction that got to me. I told him he sucked big time and hung up on him. When the end of the day came and my pants were still no where in sight, I rocked up to the tailor with all the angst in me demanding for them and made all sorts of rude and personal remarks. Both of them kept apologising and even refunded me the fee, but I refused to back down and still had the last word. Such angst, very uncalled for.

What a day indeed. I woke up with that screwed up mood again but that still doesn't give me a reason to be such an angry person. I almost felt the 'old Julian', or Alan even, in me for a moment there. That's not good at all.

A friend once told me if you constantly crave for meat, you are an angry person but if you constantly crave for ice-cream and chocolates, then you are needing comfort. I don't hardly crave for meat unless it's roast duck or pork but can never get enough of junk food. So where does all this new-found anger come from?

I know my life is shit at the moment but is that really why? Venting my frustrations on others? If so, then it's definitely so wrong of me.

Well at least I kept it together and managed to teach two classes in a row today, repeating the same stuff twice. There are six more classes this week but I'll deal. At least I am so much more prepared and confident this time, as compared to last year when I first started taking classes.

And looking back at a past entries from last year, I have at least stuck to a couple of minor promises. I said I will never be involved in research week ever again and I did it, wriggling my way out totally. It is on at the hospital the whole of this week but I am only involved in the free lunch bit. Nice one. I felt like a total phoney the first time I took a class as I was so non-committal. I promised myself I will work on it and I reckon I'm doing fine now.

But, always the good ol' but, yes indeed, I have failed in being self-protective. I have yet again let myself go to a place that I have no wish to go to, all because I let my heart run wild. Stupid, silly me.

Alright, enough.

Seeing those wide-eyes undergraduates and their enthusiasm and passion for science, it's almost unbelieveable I am so jaded and tired even though I am just ahead of them for a grand total of three years only. What the hell went wrong indeed?

So I am more at ease now, but that doesn't mean I won't wake up feeling all effed up again. My throat is sore as anything and my nose is all blocked up. I am probably dying, whatever. I am still rowing and Kwok told me a story of how someone collapsed and died just because he was playing tennis when he was sick. I know that's possible but I just hate the feeling of being sick. I would rather be doing something if I am not totally bed-ridden.

There is a list of the 50 worst Aussie band names of time in the papers today. Air Supply is one of them, they deserve it totally. Machine Gun Fellatio is another. I can't believe I went to their gig before seeing a bunch of freaks of stage, and naked old freaks too, eew. My Friend the Chocolate Cake sounds strangely familiar even though I don't know them. Erm, wait a minute, could it be that someone who told me about them before? Yeah, probably so. Alright, next topic.

Every minute of the day, almost everyday, till today, I can't stop thinking. Some days are better, but the bad ones are always there. It's not healthy at all. I need Dr. Mierzwiak in Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. I will be the first to rock up to his clinic.

Listened to the whole of Norah Jones' first album while cooking dinner. It seems like every song is singing out to me. Not good. I wish that soon I could say every song on Christina's new album is singing out to me, as it's all more finding the right one finally and how incredible it is. Tsk, tsk, sigh indeed.

I cooked a fine dinner though, first time in a long time. Maybe an angry man cooks well, that's what I've heard before too. Such irony.

A friend 'fessed up how she had a minor breakdown yesterday 'cos she realised how unsatisfying her personal and work life is and how she is sick of being a virgin still, yet at the same time, she has to 'pretend' to be a promiscuous 'ho just so that she will not be seen differently. Geez, could life get any harder?

I told her I am getting some here, in fact quite a fair bit but still, where does that lead me? I am still feeling empty as a drum.

On a lighter note, I have an idea what to get for my niece who is counting down the days to her entry into this crazy world, I will get a silver spoon in my favourite little blue box. It will cost a bomb, but I guess that's fine. Since she can't be born with a silver spoon literally, at least she could be born with one poetically.

Mum and dad are going all soft and have decided to step in to help bail Philip out of all his debts. The figure is no doubt huge but it didn't come as a surprise to me. Even with their help, he will just be reset to zero, and not where he should really be at his age. For the most part, the failure of Philip and Oliver stemmed from their anger problem. I hope after today, my temper will not be found again in a long, long time. It just doesn't pay.

Alright, time to crash. More teaching and talking tomorrow, geez.