Reality Check

So what do you do? You get close to somebody and then it's time to say goodbye. This sounds like a reality TV show except this is reality.

It seems like I have been dreaming for far too long already, both figuratively and literally. I haven't been able to sleep well this past week 'cos I have been having too much dreams, and they are too damn real too. It's like I could feel the emotions and everything that goes along with them, even after I am awake. My mind has certainly been put on overdrive recently.

So I managed to drag myself out of the house to catch up with some friends and had a few good drinks and all. So we went from pub to pub and had some mindless bantering (mostly the arrows are in my direction) and some laughs. So I played some pool and heard a New Order song, but so what?

I still can't yank myself out of the strange mood I am caught up in. Maybe if I could cry, I would be crying now. Why am I screwed like that physiologically that I am incapable of crying when the situation is real and in my face? Why is it so that I could just shed tears when it comes to movies and songs and books even?

Yes, life is still good at the moment and I certainly still can enjoy it. Work is definitely better than a coupla months back and however stressful it is at the moment, I still think it is bearable. In fact, I think it's like the best I have ever experienced. I am getting the job done and I am getting the satisfaction.

Dad is ecstatic that I will be going home but I wish I could say the same for mum. She isn't too big on the idea for fear that I might clash with my estranged brothers and create much drama. I can never say enough to convince her that I won't. My brothers are definitely no longer a part of my life and I am happy to keep it that way. Why would I still want to cause distress to myself by having a go at them? That is a chapter of my life which is so well and truly closed.

I have been playing 'counsellor' (again) to a coupla of people. Isn't it funny how I could dish out all the neat stuff to them but when it comes to my relationships, it's all a pretty sticky mess. I s'pose the the only time when I can give out advice to people which are just as excellent in my life is when we talk about clothes and all things fashion related. Is that a pretty darn funny thing or is it simply sad?

I thought I was in control, but feelings just crept up. I thought I will never be like them but I was wrong. I stole those two lines from In The Mood For Love. Who would have thought that few years down the road, I am actually living out the plot? And who would have thought that I would actually be calling the same name (to two different persons within a year) with much sentiments just like my favourite character in ER? And to back track a tad, who would have thought that at some stage, I was so involved with someone with a name which I find so adorable in La Vita E Bella?

Somehow, do all the movies and books that I love so much serve as a premonition to my life at a later stage? Especially these past year or so?

I've got a fairly big day tomorrow, I s'pose it's better that I go to bed now. Maybe I can already guess what my dreams will be about. So much for sweet dreams.