World Where I Live

Which is nothing more than a succession of events that lead to my recurring tendency to lose control. Another weekend gone and more innocence lost. Went shopping on Saturday and totally lost control, spending more than I should on things that I lead myself to believe that I need. Did that for virtually the entire afternoon and evening and thought that my day would end when I got home around ten-ish. One phonecall and was out again within halfa. One drink lead to another and was going from one dark, smokey joint to another making a total of three. There's really no necessity to go into details here. My liver somewhat regretted it the next day but someone else's bed sure did not.

It was a pretty cold day today and I was in a plain black sweater over a plain shirt, another shot at the preppy look which I working (dilligently) on now. Had a fleeting thought over a ciggie break today and wondered if my so-called new image is nothing but an attempt to whitewash my less-than-wholesome lifestyle and hiding a side of me that I am not willing to reveal too readily? Am I trying to put on a second skin to mask what's truly lying beneath? Or am I trying to fool myself here to make me love myself more, serving as a form of self-protecting mechanism?

And more importantly, is this a reaction or counter-action to the what I have been through the past few months?

To move away from my issues, I actually agreed to go to Elsternwick Park earlier this evening to take a look at the tree that Paul Hester hung himself from. It was difficult finding it cos it was too dark but still found it eventually. The tree is much smaller than I would have expected. It's nicely tucked away in a corner and it is unique to the rest as it has an odd shape (sorta curved and growing toward the ground, forming an arc of sorts). A couple of bouquet of flowers and five drumsticks planted into the ground, making it all pretty low-key but sombre at the same time.

I didn't think it was such a cool idea to go at first but I reckon I shouldn't make it too dramatic, and since I am here in Melbourne, I may as well just go. I have to admit it was all a tad surreal though. There wasn't any deep emotions or anything but it still feels pretty strange all the same, looking and getting under that tree.

A good Japanese dinner in a cosy little restaurant was a good way to round up the night.

What will the week ahead bring? Who will I meet and what will I do? Can I actually have a quiet one? Do I really want one to begin with?