Can You Trust Me?

Alternative title to this entry may include “Of tossers and wankers” and “It’s all about the moolah”.

Winter is coming to an end, and I can’t hardly wait for spring to set in, or is it here already? Even the word itself sounds better than winter, and it’s the same in Italian too, ‘primavera’ (spring) as opposed to ‘inverno’ (winter). Also, ‘inverno’ sounds too much like ‘inferno’, which means hell. Oh well, just a bit of wordplay there.

No matter what season it is, the talk of money is always an awkward one. I hate talking about it, and I hate it even more when others just assumed that just because I have it (or so they think), I am a happy person. How big a load of crap is that? In any case, the reason why I am actually talking about money right now is that lately I have been talking to a couple of friends who have an issue with money. It’s not that they are really broke or anything, it’s just that they aren’t making as much as they would like now (and plus the fact that they didn’t come from duper rich families), that they formed a complex for themselves, feeling all low and inadequate and think (wrongly so, if you ask me) that almost all problems can be solved by money. That is so not true, for sure. It doesn’t take a genius to tell you that but when you are caught up with issues, you are caught up and simply can’t think straight.

I have tried to tell them in the subtlest way possible to make them understand money is indeed a lot of things but it is definitely not everything, however cliché it may sound. It helps, I don’t deny, but it still is not the ultimate remedy. Despite my effort to put it in an ever so subtle (or so I though at least) way, they still think I don’t understand enough and am somewhat talking shit just because I have the moolah (or so they think, again). If that’s the case, why even bother talking to me, hey? I definitely feel indignant on this one. I don’t want to make an issue out of this, but it’s really getting to me that I have mostly been portrayed as a bloody snob and a spoilt little rich bastard, who can’t live without buying, using and eating expensive stuff. Alright, this is gonna be tad self-indulging. I know I do own heaps of fancy clothes but I still wear Giordano T’s on the inside. I have flashy watches and accessories but still use a Lamy pen. I use expensive organic hair and facial products but still use Colgate for toothpaste. I go to restaurants ever so often and hate food courts (due to very valid reasons) but still have the odd cravings for junk like Nando’s and KFC. I love an expensive bottle of wine but won’t gag on a Cleanskin either. I insist on Calvins for inner wear but still wear socks from Target. And to top it off, I bloody live in Collingwood, one of the craziest and dumpiest suburbs in Melbourne (although I must admit the first thing I will do when I get notice of being here for work on a more permanent basis is to move into a nice little apartment and get myself a nice little car). But for now, how glamorous can I be living in the ghetto? I make and own as much as the next guy and harbour the same wish of being Ritchie Rich. So what if my family is indeed pretty darn rich and all? I am finally admitting that but so what? The option of calling home for money is not really an option as such because I know I will never do it again. Besides, didn’t I fall out big time with my two brothers simply because of money? That’s one of the reasons why I hate to make money an issue too.

Why do people think that I am this rich, spoilt, pretentious and intimidating bastard? Why are they so afraid of making a suggestion for a restaurant or bar whenever I am around? Will I die or something if it turns out to be a shit hole? I will never look down on anyone just because they have less and are not blessed with the freedom of spending as they wish. On that note, education is not a criterion when it comes to making friends too. I am not who they think I am, and I know it. It’s up to them if they want to trust me or not.

I’m tired of telling people what I think they want to hear and I promise it’ll rarely happen again. I am the way I am and I’ll continue to sell myself as so until further notice.

After all, I won’t do something like contacting people whom I have not seen/talked to for a while just because I have products to sell or some dodgy business deals to propose. I’m saying this because I have been getting mails from “friends” (whom I haven’t met for yonks or have forgotten even) wanting something from me. They all started out as being really keen on catching up and all but by the second mail, their real intentions will be revealed/exposed. How fake is that? It’s almost disgusting! To think that I initially thought they are being sincere and friendly, damn. I understand everybody has business to do and a living to make, but come on, don’t do that! I have sentiments too!

I’m not trying to prove a point here. I just think that I happen to be more real than most, although I may not seem like so on the surface. At least I will never do anything with a hidden agenda hoping to get something in return.

I have been doing a lot of walking again, in the form of long walks. I used to do it heaps, it’s nice. It gives me a tad of solitude and a chance to go through my thoughts. It’s almost as relaxing and liberating as a good game of squash. Maybe what Jason Mraz says is true, that ‘I take long walks while invisible when I am sad’. It certainly seems like so.

Those people who were caught in the little sticky mess that I mentioned back in April have certainly sorted themselves out and have paired up accordingly. Me, the single and fabulous me, is still single and fabulous. Hell yeah. Can you still trust me on dishing out advice on relationships and shit like that? Yeah, you definitely can, ‘cos I will make sure you have a nice little happy ending. That ending will be yours and yours to keep, I will never take it away from you and it will never be mine. You get what I mean?

At least I am honest.

Honest.

(Title attributed to a song of the same name by The Film, aka the song for the Peugeot 407 ad)

I'm Here But Not Really Here

I am not even thinking straight at the moment. I have had too much to drink. I am again doing stuff, speaking words but not really being the whole me. I am kinda standing beside myself looking in now. Why the hell am I writing at this time of the day anyway?

I went on a shopping spree today, again. I bought stuff that I don't even need. Got a bloody expensive watch and a pair of pretty flash sunnies. It's all a bit nonsensical, but I just have to do it. Oh well, what does 'have to' mean anyway?

I have to get a grip. I have to get over it. I have to establish equilibrium again. I have to just bloody move on.

I want to ask the person out for a coffee. I want to talk to you again. I want to ask you to watch Mysterious Skin with me because I know you'll like it. But I can't. I can't.

Is there another way to it? I have been doing heaps of things. I have been able to smile and be social. I have been able to function fine at work. But deep down, I know that I am not forgetting. I am not whole.

Stop Julian, you gotta stop. You gotta fucken stop. You thought life was going so well for you. You thought you've got it all under control. You thought you were well prepared for such a conclusion. You thought you will be stronger this time, this age.

I am so not making sense now. I am pissed but not drunk. I am still doing shots of Vodka now. Vodka infused with vanilla pod. That person gave me the idea. That person, that person, that person.

Why can't you just say out who that person is? Why can't I just say I am so not fine now? Why did I let myself really run ahead and fall off the cliff?

I asked for it. I knew what I was in for. But I thought I will never fall for someone like that. It wsn't there during the first coupla encounters, it only crept up after the third meeting.

You'll get over it. You have to. Yeah, it's all about have to again.Damn, it's too hard, it's too complicated. My little conversations with myself is not helping.
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It's 4:07am now, about an hour after I wrote the stuff above. I have definitely sobered up now. Reading the stuff I wrote, it is definitely pretty surreal but I s'pose they are as real as I am breathing here now. After listening to Jason Mraz and Stereophonics and Keane and rounding up with The Calling, much memories have been brought up, especially "Halfway Home" and "Bright Eyes" by Mraz, the feelings from last winter are so poignant. I was in a bad place then, I don't want to be there again. I am still sorry I lost a friend, but I have to deal with that.

I Walk Away

Have you ever had the experience of finding it hard to even speak to the sandwich lady after many hours in seclusion? 30 hours to be specific. Have you ever had the experience of mixing pills with too many drinks and feel that you are just doing stuff but not really feeling anything? There is no intention to kill off the character of course, but it's just all about trying to numb the senses and making it seems a little easier. Have you ever find it way too hard to put on a smile and say it's alright to people when it is anything but? Have you ever had the feeling of wanting to let go and lose yourself completely but didn't do it because you still want to have that little bit of control? Have you ever felt the emptiness in you when you open your eyes in the morning but you fill it up slowly as you get along with the day but it gets reset the next morning when you wake? Have you ever wished that you could erase bits of your wonderful memory? Have you ever wanted to slap youself silly?
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I have been to almost every of my favourite bars, be it old or new, this week alone. It's always about hanging out with friends who will always look out for me and at the same time, trying to find that comfortable feeling of being in a place that brought me much memories, both sweet and bitter. Maybe it's the fact that I'm still here and stilll be able to be in these places that makes me feel a little more grateful for being here?

I find myself seeking out old things that I used to enjoy. I have stuffed myself with some traditional Chinese snacks that I used to love. I have been talking to friends who have known me from way back. I have been trying to dig out memories of people I have been involved with. I don't know why I am doing all these. Am I trying to get in touch with the 'me' who might have gotten lost somewhere? Or am I trying to remind myself the part of my life that I have left behind at home? Am I trying to search for some answers here?

Had a game of trivia pursuit at a pub last night with a coupla friends. There was a question that goes something like "what will never have you saying you're sorry?". The answer is "Love". That's a pretty strange one I must say, but it's also the one question that impressed me a fair bit. I sucked at many of the other questions anyway.

I s'pose it's not only in Trivia Pursuit that I suck at, but in many aspects of life too, and scarily, I am more and more conscious of it. I thought I knew it all, but obviously I've still got a lot to learn. I always run myself into some kind of fix, but at least I know where I can turn, or do I really?

A friend pointed out that I like the complexity of things, because I am such a complex person myself. I don't really deny that, but what is the price I have to pay? Am I pushing happiness further and further away from me? Will I be lying to say all I've really wanted was a simple kind of life? No, I am not, I don't think.

That was why I was so smitten. It was all pretty pure and simple, or so it seemed. At least age or sex or physicality is not an issue this time. I'm sorry it has to end this way though. On the surface it seems I have all the choices, but to break it all down, I don't really, at all.
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Thanks for all the great conversations.
I like it how you always use airport codes to refer to cities.
I like it how you always type "the" as "teh".
I love it how you always carry a pen and notebook around.
I adore you for being such a geek and a techie, and how open you are to music, both new and old stuff.
I hope you will get more chance to do the things you truly enjoy.
I hope the swollen lymph node is nothing serious at all and it will be fine soon.
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A colleague of mine went to the same primary school with me. Yesterday, he showed me a photo of me in the yearbook when I was twelve. I laughed when I first saw it, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder how that dorky-looking and naive kid end up being this somewhat crazy and twisted and complicated and pensive and even difficult person today. Be it in a good way or a bad way, this is certainly very far off from the notion of adulthood I had when I was a kid.

So what do you do? Life goes on and you have to be fair to the people who care for you, work with you and live with you. You just can't drag others down with you.

I wish I have happier things to write about but maybe what Salinger said is right, that an ecstatically happy writing person is often a draining type to have around.

And I find myself picking up a Salinger again, and I want to watch Mulholland Drive again too. I have been listening to New Order's "Temptation" on loop. I know there will always be the moments. I don't dare to watch 2046. I have been drinking and smoking too much. I haven't been eating much. I feel the ache knowing we are no longer friends. I know I am not in a very good place at the moment.

And So It Is

Everything
Everyone
Everywhere
Ends.

That's the tagline for the final season of Six Feet Under. When I first saw it, I was a bit perplexed why they would use that or what it really means. I s'pose I do now.

I shan't even begin to describe the day I have had, because it will only remind me even more, and it hurts, majorly. On that note, I won't try to forget it either because that will make me more conscious of it.

Also, I could also have died in an accident but I am still alive now. The question is, am I even grateful for that?

I knew what the outcome would be at the end of the day, I have sort of even prepared myself for it the whole of last week leading up to today. But why does it still hurt so badly when it eventually did happen? Is it really true that you can never be truly prepared for some things?

How much is too much? How many blows can I take within a specific period of time, or should I say, at this age?

Did the ideals I created for myself when I was younger backfired on me now and are making me more depressed rather than hopeful?

Why can't I just fucking cry? I really wish I could have a good bawl and let it all out. I really want to know how it feels like.

I have just popped a pill to help me sleep. It is a first for me. I need to. Maybe when I wake up, I will be fine, I will be alright. It seems to be a running theme about being fine and alright, but I don't mind.

I don't.
I don't.
I don't.

Sheep Counting

I just can't sleep. I have been tossing and turning in bed for the past half an hour or so having hundreds of things going through my head, and I hate that feeling. It doesn't help that the wind outside is blowing so strongly and every window and glass door in the house is rattling. It is very all very unsettling.

I have a fairly big day at work tomorrow, and I should be getting some sleep now. In addition to that, I have to settle some bank stuff, run to the optician, check out a jacket and meet someone in St Kilda.

Yes, I am actually agreeing to go to St Kilda. Anyone who knows me better will know I will do anything not to go there. I don't s'pose I have told anyone, not even my closest friends, why I loathe that place so much. Well, maybe loathe is too strong a word because I don't really hate it. It just brings back too much memories and of course, it always runs the risk of seeing someone I do not want to see unnecessarily (which has happened before).

And after tomorrow, I s'pose there will be more reasons why I shouldn't go back there again.

I know it's stupid to avoid a place just not to get reminded of some things and someone. But having said that, why should I put myself through something unpleasant either? There are like hundred other places to go for a drink or dinner here in this city. Alright, just one more time tomorrow and we'll see.

I'm too tired thinking already and tomorrow should put a full stop to this incident that has been bugging me for a while now. After all, how did it even manifest to this stage? I thought I had it well under control and it'll run a natural course of fading off. Having somewhat already guessed the outcome of the meeting, I really wonder why I even agreed to meet up in the first place. So much for all that bullshit on self-protection and all that. I just seem to throw myself into situations where I will end up feeling shitty and all that. Yes, Julian, you're so f***ing stupid sometimes.

Reality Check

So what do you do? You get close to somebody and then it's time to say goodbye. This sounds like a reality TV show except this is reality.

It seems like I have been dreaming for far too long already, both figuratively and literally. I haven't been able to sleep well this past week 'cos I have been having too much dreams, and they are too damn real too. It's like I could feel the emotions and everything that goes along with them, even after I am awake. My mind has certainly been put on overdrive recently.

So I managed to drag myself out of the house to catch up with some friends and had a few good drinks and all. So we went from pub to pub and had some mindless bantering (mostly the arrows are in my direction) and some laughs. So I played some pool and heard a New Order song, but so what?

I still can't yank myself out of the strange mood I am caught up in. Maybe if I could cry, I would be crying now. Why am I screwed like that physiologically that I am incapable of crying when the situation is real and in my face? Why is it so that I could just shed tears when it comes to movies and songs and books even?

Yes, life is still good at the moment and I certainly still can enjoy it. Work is definitely better than a coupla months back and however stressful it is at the moment, I still think it is bearable. In fact, I think it's like the best I have ever experienced. I am getting the job done and I am getting the satisfaction.

Dad is ecstatic that I will be going home but I wish I could say the same for mum. She isn't too big on the idea for fear that I might clash with my estranged brothers and create much drama. I can never say enough to convince her that I won't. My brothers are definitely no longer a part of my life and I am happy to keep it that way. Why would I still want to cause distress to myself by having a go at them? That is a chapter of my life which is so well and truly closed.

I have been playing 'counsellor' (again) to a coupla of people. Isn't it funny how I could dish out all the neat stuff to them but when it comes to my relationships, it's all a pretty sticky mess. I s'pose the the only time when I can give out advice to people which are just as excellent in my life is when we talk about clothes and all things fashion related. Is that a pretty darn funny thing or is it simply sad?

I thought I was in control, but feelings just crept up. I thought I will never be like them but I was wrong. I stole those two lines from In The Mood For Love. Who would have thought that few years down the road, I am actually living out the plot? And who would have thought that I would actually be calling the same name (to two different persons within a year) with much sentiments just like my favourite character in ER? And to back track a tad, who would have thought that at some stage, I was so involved with someone with a name which I find so adorable in La Vita E Bella?

Somehow, do all the movies and books that I love so much serve as a premonition to my life at a later stage? Especially these past year or so?

I've got a fairly big day tomorrow, I s'pose it's better that I go to bed now. Maybe I can already guess what my dreams will be about. So much for sweet dreams.

The Ground Temperature Is...

It was a pretty cold day, like the coldest or something for this season. It was alright I s'pose, at least it was dry and the air was nice and crisp. So I came home with the promise of calling a friend back, and we ended up talking for almost two hours, all the while talking shit and chain smoking and guzzling Choya. And after ending the call and knocking back more than half a bottle of the wine, I bought a ticket online to fly home in December! I paid shitloads for it, but it's inevitable, since I could tell that dad really wanted me to go home and for the most part, it also serves as a measure to curb whatever shit feelings I might be having (or soon to have) as going home is always a comforting and welcoming idea. I also got the news that a friend from way back is joining me in NYC, how cool is that? That's like the best piece of news I have recieved the whole week.

With the recent hunting for tickets and all, I came across heaps of airport codes. It allows me to get in touch with my fascination with all things related to airplanes and airports and all that, which I have sorta left behind for a while now. I remember how I used to go all the way to the airport (be it here or back home) just to watch planes taking off and landing, and I especially love the former. It's just so amazing! Also, I could sit at home for ages even just checking flight info on teletext and getting all amused and excited seeing the airline and airport codes (particularly late at night when there are heaps of flights leaving for what seemed like exotic destinations to me), and at the same time, daydreaming about myself leaving on one of those flights (a few all-time faves being Paris-CDG, Copenhagen, Rome, Osaka-Kansai and Chicago O'Hare and several more, 'cos they have such a nice ring to them!). I s'pose I sound like a complete dork but that was how fascinated I was and how much I could amuse myself with all that stuff. I don't know what got me out of it and why I sorta lost it these coupla years. Maybe because I have travalled much more since then or it may be due to that fact that I am well away from home now. But I s'pose I am being reminded of it now and I am all ready to get in touch with it as well. I will make it a point to do some plane-watching soon.

I still remember what got me through the SIA interview (not that it was such a big deal) but anyway, when asked why I would want to be a crew member, I answered as truthfully as possible by saying "I get fascinated by airports and all and I want to land into as many as I could in my lifetime and by travelling to different cities, I get to be exposed to more books, movies and music and my life if all about books, movies and music." Oh well, that was a kinda dorky answer as well but I was (and still am) pretty proud to have said that 'cos I was so damn truthful!

Been listening to a fair bit of Jason Mraz and Nouvelle Vague lately. The latter gives me a smilar feeling to when I watch Sex and The City (which I did a coupla re-runs recently). It always leaves me feeling light spirited and all but at the same time, a tad pensive and in a hopelessly romantic mood too.

And speaking of TV show, I have been doing a fair bit of new episodes of Six Feet Under and I can never get enough of it! The great plot, excellent acting, the flawed yet intriguing characters, the dry yet witty humour and the great lines they deliver. I know I am gonna miss it when it concludes this season, as much as I do for Sex and The City (and The X-files too, for a while).

I s'pose it will be fun to re-watch all these shows on DVDs, like a good several hours straight. Maybe I will do that during my vacation home, since I can hardly afford the time to do so now. Also, while I am home and away from this city, it will be a good chance for me to step back and reflect on the year that I have had and all the crazy and sticky events/emotions I get caught up with. Oh yes, from next week onwards, there will be one more thing for me to face up to and to probably leave behind. I hate to sound so dejected but afterall, I just have to accept it and move on, no?

And maybe, suddenly, it doesn't seem so hard to say it's alright.

Is It You?

I should have slept in, that was what I intended to do anyway, except I could not. The 1,000 things going through my head at the moment are probably bubbling over and that inevitably kicked me out of dreamhood with just slightly over 6 hours of sleep.

It's like a line from a song by Keane, I'm trying to stay awake to remember my name but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same anymore.

So what's eating me? A bit of work, a bit about the day and week ahead but certainly a major part due to recurring thoughts that have been around (and exceptionally strong) these past few days.

Couldn't it ever be something tangible and sweet and easy? Why isn't it possible on my part to play a casual game anymore? Why don't I get satisfied by temporary gratifitication anymore? What's the price to pay when staying just friends isn't good enough anymore and I want more? Do I want to trust this feeling? Do I wanna let it pass me by? Could it actually be different this time?

I have to be logical and realistic, and definitely not pessimistic or jaded. I can't change what I am feeling or thinking and I won't. They are there and they are real and I just have to deal with them. In the days to come, I don't know what to expect or what I want but I do know what I don't want. No, this time, it's not a mess or anything quite like that. In fact, it can be strangely beautiful too in a way, but it doesn't necessarily come with a happy ending.

I don't think I should try to put all my thoughts into words here. It's just too hard. Yes, too hard has been a recurring theme too. So is too wrong, too complicated, too frustrating and too damn sad.

What's with this constant struggle? What's with all the bloody rules and tricks? Why can't I just say whatever I want or have the rights to pursue anything? It's just not all about me anymore, well, at least certainly not so in this game. Ｗhy are the circumstances and timing so wrong?

可說是相逢恨晚嗎? Yes, I s'pose that applies too.
It's hard to explain eveything in my head, especially when it can be stuffed with fairy floss and chewy caramel most times.

I hate to say this, but it seems like I am living out the plot in Before Sunset now (as well as In The Mood For Love, the dead end situation, the frustrations, the agony) like almost identical, except maybe in this case, it isn't so much of a two-way process.

I will leave it as that for now, I have to get on with my day.

Discard the Message

I am so glad I made the decision to make it a rare quiet Friday evening, 'cos when I parked myself in front of the heater after my shower, I was feeling so grateful to be home and all. After the week I have had, I s'pose I need some me-time and to take it slow and easy.

The earlier part of the evening went pretty well too, went down to St. Jerome (have since become one of my favourite joints, day or night) and shared a bottle of wine with a colleague, followed by a fusion Indian dinner of sorts. What better way is there to wind up the (hectic) work week with a coupla drinks and good food and offloading some gripes with a fellow workmate? Of course, we touched on other aspects too, and along the way it made me realised (even moreso) that I am not alone when it comes to expecting certain stuff from certain people, particularly some colleagues/friends that we share. So I s'pose I shouldn't be too harsh on myself as well as others when it comes to that. And we made some loose plans to take a trip to Vietnam at the end of the year and that really got me excited for a while. I hope it's not just cheap talk over drinks. It would be nice to be able to stop by home for a bit over Christmas or something and than make it northwards to Hanoi. I will definitely try to sort this out in the next few weeks.

Other than walking away from the ATM and leaving my cash there (which I didn't get to retrieve, of course) and bidding a friend farewell (she's heading home for at least 6 months) and having a helluva week at work (really stressful but it was quite satisfying too, I don't deny), I gave my blog address to a person without even thinking much! Well, it's not such a big deal or much of an issue really, but I s'pose some things are better left unsaid or untold, or so I think. On my part, I have managed to convince myself not to stir things up (if it's even within my capability to stir up anything at all in the first place). I know it's pretty weird to begin with (not the friendship bit but as to how my thoughts are going) and the circumstances just wouldn't allow anything to develop. I am not bitter or depressed or anything quite like that. I s'pose I am just sorry that it has to be this way and I can't help but to have "what-if's" running through my head at times. I am surprisingly sensible this time and I am even somewhat willing to accept things as they are (although I do feel indignant at times about this particular course I have to run). I still want to keep this person as a friend, I still appreciate all the conversations and meetings that we have. We are still friends, that's for sure. But is that all there is to it? I feel that I am putting in so much more effort to maintain this friendship. Having said that, I s'pose I am still inspired but it's not to say that the motivation is not diminishing. Afterall, I am well aware of the situation and the months ahead are going to be harder to catch up with this person due to several reasons. Again, it's circumstancial and that's nothing I can do about it. On that note, I reckon I am a bit frustrated too.

To cite a verse from a Split Enz song,
"I don't want to say I love you
That would give away too much
It's hip to be detached and precious
The only thing you feel is vicious"...

...but why do we always have to play this game? And for how long can I maintain so? I do not want to explain myself too much or to have to justify my actions or words with this person. I know my intentions were all good even though somtimes they might come out all wrong. At least I know I didn't do anything expecting something in return or to be unnaturally nice just to get some approval or attention. I dare say I have been me all the while and nothing was forcefully acted/planned out. I know I might not get appreciated and all that shit but what can I do about it? Kick a fuss, demand some things or pull some confrontational stunts? No, none of the above, it's never my style.

I am not particularly good with words tonight, so maybe the whole of last paragraph doesn't make any sense at all. The bottomline is, it could be all great and fantastic and wonderful and all but it just sucks that the whole truth is not so. It could also be all casual and friendly and fun but that's just too damn hard, and maybe a bit fake and shallow even. And no, I certainly don't wanna live in denial of anything. I am awake and I will be awake always.

Life Is Wonderful...

...that's the title of the first song in Jason Mraz's new album, simply titled "Mr A-Z". I had the absolute pleasure of having a first listen to it earlier this evening. I must admit I virtually melted into a goo of soft butter and sank into the couch listening to his music, especially that voice of his. I have been looking forward to the arrival of this album for so long. In fact, as I am writing this entry, I am all plugged in to the new album. I will definitely put it on loop tomorrow at work for the whole day.

Incidentally, life is kinda wonderful (although it's hardly my style to use such adjectives to describe my life) at the moment, as I have been doing and expereiencing much different things lately and this winter is certainly less intense and depressing than the last that I had. Just ran through a few random memories and thoughts and old emails today and realised what a dark period I was going through this time last year. I don't know if I am happy or whatever now, but I sure know that I am glad as hell I am longer in a place like that.

Speaking of places, there is a place that I have always wanted to be, and that is New York (sorry to be all cheesy and changing topics like that). And yes, I will be landing there in September! I can't hardly wait, like seriously, I haven't felt so excited about going to a place for so long already. I have always thought/talked about it and it's finally happening! All thanks to a work trip to Houston, Texas (the home of NASA, so maybe I do get to wait for a rocket to come!) and that will somehow also (through some little manipulation of mine, ha) take me to LA and NYC too, yay! I know, I know, I shouldn't sound so smug and silly about it, but truly, I am pretty darn looking forward to the trip.

Personal enjoyment aside, I am really grateful that I am being put on this training course, as this will contribute to my knowledge in the X-ray generators significantly and also mark another milestone in my otherwise mundane (and sometimes questionable) existance as a scientist. Also, it will reinforce my role as the person taking charge of the generators and detectors and sway me further away from bench/wet work (I am definitely not complaining on this one). Of course, I do know the pressure and responsibilities I have to handle when I return from the course as everyone in the group will be expecting much more from me. I can't afford to falter like I could last year, when I was a research student. I am certainly feeling (and foreseeing) the increasing stress level already.

Oh well, in any case, I will have to finish up my poster for research week and a research proposal for my project by the middle of this month. After that, I will have a greater peace of mind to plan for my trip and to make sure I have a good one in NYC. Yes, I am gonna be so fabulous 'n wonderful strutting down the streets of New York with a cupcake in one hand and hailing a big yellow taxi with the other. So damn fab 'n wonderful that you'll have to put my fire out! For sure!