I'm Here But Not Really Here

I am not even thinking straight at the moment. I have had too much to drink. I am again doing stuff, speaking words but not really being the whole me. I am kinda standing beside myself looking in now. Why the hell am I writing at this time of the day anyway?

I went on a shopping spree today, again. I bought stuff that I don't even need. Got a bloody expensive watch and a pair of pretty flash sunnies. It's all a bit nonsensical, but I just have to do it. Oh well, what does 'have to' mean anyway?

I have to get a grip. I have to get over it. I have to establish equilibrium again. I have to just bloody move on.

I want to ask the person out for a coffee. I want to talk to you again. I want to ask you to watch Mysterious Skin with me because I know you'll like it. But I can't. I can't.

Is there another way to it? I have been doing heaps of things. I have been able to smile and be social. I have been able to function fine at work. But deep down, I know that I am not forgetting. I am not whole.

Stop Julian, you gotta stop. You gotta fucken stop. You thought life was going so well for you. You thought you've got it all under control. You thought you were well prepared for such a conclusion. You thought you will be stronger this time, this age.

I am so not making sense now. I am pissed but not drunk. I am still doing shots of Vodka now. Vodka infused with vanilla pod. That person gave me the idea. That person, that person, that person.

Why can't you just say out who that person is? Why can't I just say I am so not fine now? Why did I let myself really run ahead and fall off the cliff?

I asked for it. I knew what I was in for. But I thought I will never fall for someone like that. It wsn't there during the first coupla encounters, it only crept up after the third meeting.

You'll get over it. You have to. Yeah, it's all about have to again.Damn, it's too hard, it's too complicated. My little conversations with myself is not helping.
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It's 4:07am now, about an hour after I wrote the stuff above. I have definitely sobered up now. Reading the stuff I wrote, it is definitely pretty surreal but I s'pose they are as real as I am breathing here now. After listening to Jason Mraz and Stereophonics and Keane and rounding up with The Calling, much memories have been brought up, especially "Halfway Home" and "Bright Eyes" by Mraz, the feelings from last winter are so poignant. I was in a bad place then, I don't want to be there again. I am still sorry I lost a friend, but I have to deal with that.