I Walk Away

Have you ever had the experience of finding it hard to even speak to the sandwich lady after many hours in seclusion? 30 hours to be specific. Have you ever had the experience of mixing pills with too many drinks and feel that you are just doing stuff but not really feeling anything? There is no intention to kill off the character of course, but it's just all about trying to numb the senses and making it seems a little easier. Have you ever find it way too hard to put on a smile and say it's alright to people when it is anything but? Have you ever had the feeling of wanting to let go and lose yourself completely but didn't do it because you still want to have that little bit of control? Have you ever felt the emptiness in you when you open your eyes in the morning but you fill it up slowly as you get along with the day but it gets reset the next morning when you wake? Have you ever wished that you could erase bits of your wonderful memory? Have you ever wanted to slap youself silly?
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I have been to almost every of my favourite bars, be it old or new, this week alone. It's always about hanging out with friends who will always look out for me and at the same time, trying to find that comfortable feeling of being in a place that brought me much memories, both sweet and bitter. Maybe it's the fact that I'm still here and stilll be able to be in these places that makes me feel a little more grateful for being here?

I find myself seeking out old things that I used to enjoy. I have stuffed myself with some traditional Chinese snacks that I used to love. I have been talking to friends who have known me from way back. I have been trying to dig out memories of people I have been involved with. I don't know why I am doing all these. Am I trying to get in touch with the 'me' who might have gotten lost somewhere? Or am I trying to remind myself the part of my life that I have left behind at home? Am I trying to search for some answers here?

Had a game of trivia pursuit at a pub last night with a coupla friends. There was a question that goes something like "what will never have you saying you're sorry?". The answer is "Love". That's a pretty strange one I must say, but it's also the one question that impressed me a fair bit. I sucked at many of the other questions anyway.

I s'pose it's not only in Trivia Pursuit that I suck at, but in many aspects of life too, and scarily, I am more and more conscious of it. I thought I knew it all, but obviously I've still got a lot to learn. I always run myself into some kind of fix, but at least I know where I can turn, or do I really?

A friend pointed out that I like the complexity of things, because I am such a complex person myself. I don't really deny that, but what is the price I have to pay? Am I pushing happiness further and further away from me? Will I be lying to say all I've really wanted was a simple kind of life? No, I am not, I don't think.

That was why I was so smitten. It was all pretty pure and simple, or so it seemed. At least age or sex or physicality is not an issue this time. I'm sorry it has to end this way though. On the surface it seems I have all the choices, but to break it all down, I don't really, at all.
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Thanks for all the great conversations.
I like it how you always use airport codes to refer to cities.
I like it how you always type "the" as "teh".
I love it how you always carry a pen and notebook around.
I adore you for being such a geek and a techie, and how open you are to music, both new and old stuff.
I hope you will get more chance to do the things you truly enjoy.
I hope the swollen lymph node is nothing serious at all and it will be fine soon.
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A colleague of mine went to the same primary school with me. Yesterday, he showed me a photo of me in the yearbook when I was twelve. I laughed when I first saw it, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder how that dorky-looking and naive kid end up being this somewhat crazy and twisted and complicated and pensive and even difficult person today. Be it in a good way or a bad way, this is certainly very far off from the notion of adulthood I had when I was a kid.

So what do you do? Life goes on and you have to be fair to the people who care for you, work with you and live with you. You just can't drag others down with you.

I wish I have happier things to write about but maybe what Salinger said is right, that an ecstatically happy writing person is often a draining type to have around.

And I find myself picking up a Salinger again, and I want to watch Mulholland Drive again too. I have been listening to New Order's "Temptation" on loop. I know there will always be the moments. I don't dare to watch 2046. I have been drinking and smoking too much. I haven't been eating much. I feel the ache knowing we are no longer friends. I know I am not in a very good place at the moment.