Take A Squint At This View

Physicist Richard Feynman wrote in his undergraduate lecture notes almost 50 years ago that "all things are made of atoms, and everything that living things do can be understood in terms of the jigglings and wiggling of atoms". But really, with all due respect, I can't say I do agree with that statement though. I certainly don't see how human behavorial traits could be merely explained by atoms, and it is made even more complicated by the fact that every individual differs from the next. We humans are never straightforward like that.

The essence of his message holds true though, it seems that in structural biology, we derive atomic positions, and then postulate about the jiggling and wiggling conformational changes, atomic vibrations, adjustments of functional groups, electrostatic and van der Waals interactions, and electronic transistions to infer how a biological process occurs. But still, having decoded that, we will never understand why or how we feel the way we do sometimes, or most times even.

And hence so many great literary works were inspired and churned out, just to shed a little more light on human emotions, and I just happened to be one of those who lapped up almost every piece of solemn work there is out there. Nah, I am exaggerating on that one, just Hemingway really. Movies and songs there are many, and I almost seemed to enjoy stewing in my own morose sometimes with all these sombre pieces of work. I find beauty in how we humans swim about in this almost sordid world sometimes, or am I just choosing to believe that this society we live in is indeed so depressingly squalid?

So how then, after the last quarter of a century, that I, this mostly moody and pensive person with a most convincingly bright and glowing outer shell, still find the motivation and hope to go on? To continue striving, searching, wishing and waiting?

This comes the part where I really think is impossible to explain even at the molecular and cellular level of JT's anatomy.

Science is supposed to explain everything, or so I naively believed when I embarked on this path almost eight years ago. Almost everyone in our family is blessedly cursed with a gene that will muck the brain up completely. I thought I would understand it eventually, and maybe even find a cure for it. Well, I still have not won a nobel prize yet, so that pretty much explains everything, doesn't it?

Many will tell me "your eyes say it all, JT". And I s'pose they do. Happy eyes they are not though, always sad and pensive, or so I have been told most of my adult years anyway.

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. I have not been a very happy person these few years I must say. Last summer was one of the happiest periods I could recall, and I don't think I have the fortune to revisit that anytime soon. I will always recieve mails from friends from a little while ago. They still want to hear about my child-liked wild life. I just recieved another today. That lifestyle is something I will not be revisiting either. No doubt it cures my boredom and may even provide many glossy Kodak moments of JT, but I will still have the same pensive eyes no matter what. So why bother with it?

I will not tell them anything, they won't understand. Neither would anyone understand or even believe that JT is finally wanting more than just bright lights, flash clothes, swank spots and fleeting encounters with random strangers who would provide nothing but short-lived happiness and gratification. I want to read a good book from the beginning to the end, and then re-read it all over again and again, like a piece of Salinger's great work.

I would rather have sad eyes than souless eyes.

Is It You? The only Japanese song I have ever liked. Been listening to it constantly for the past five years. I never knew the meaning of it and I could never guess from the tune either. Such is the awkward beauty of this song. However, this morning, on the seventeenth day of this August, thanks to a friend's translation, I finally know the words. Maybe I don't need to know they are actually such strong, sad words, but I do now anyway. And I am glad as hell no one is looking into my eyes now. In any case, this song is certainly what inspired me to write this entry today.

And so my eyes will tell everything, and my outer shell is just conceptual, it serves no purpose at all, except, it makes it a little easier on other's eyes. One day, someday, they might be miraculously transformed into a pair of gleeful, bright eyes. And no, my eyes still won't lie, they will tell you that only someone could do that, not something.

Till then, as this blog could tell you, I am still waiting for my rocket to come.