Prettiest Friend

Title of a song by Jason Mraz. It makes you think a little, it gives a little hope, it's sweet and silly as hell, but I can certainly relate to it in a crazy way, especially the first verse, hair, hats, confrontation, lessons learnt and all. It goes like this,

"This is what I look like today
And I'm trying not to pull out my hair
I'm trying not to show it
'cause I'm far too shy to grow it back there
That's probably why I like wearing hats
There's no denying I'm deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn"

Contract and residency package signed, sealed and delivered. There is no turning back now, thy name is thy virtue.

Missed work for two days in a row last week. Plus the weekend, I had four days off. It’s a willful act, but I guess it was necessary. Everybody needs to remove his mask once in a while to take a breather.

With minimal sleep and maximum waking hours, those four days seemed longer than they actually are. It was time needed to regroup and to get a grasp of everything.

I have been depressed, too sick in the mind, weak even. I am not proud of how I have allowed myself to spiral downwards like that. I haven’t been sleeping well, hardly eating anything, drinking and smoking too much. I was too honest with my emotions and words, not only once but twice. I deserve a tight slap for that, two even. I may wince or cringe when I thought about what I said or what I have written here, but I am certainly not going to take anything back.

Why should I when I was just telling it like it was?

Even dad could tell me that I will only get myself injured majorly by investing my feelings so completely. I know that too, but that’s me and I will not change that one bit. I may risk getting myself hurt again but why should I be so cautious? I don’t believe in holding back or denying my feelings. Such feelings should never be measured or practical like that. Self-preservation is one thing, having a heart is another.

I grew up dissing anything that is mushy or corny or overly sentimental, but now I am the one who is guilty as charged. Ha, how the table has turned indeed.

Anyone would say I've been weak and stupid, along the likes of a teenage fat chick who is all infatuated and desperate. Maybe I was a bit like that and more too. I am also a loser/sucker/dreamer all rolled into one.

But so what? It is what it is.

I've mucked myself over and been mucked over this time. I've always thought I am a good killer of myself but never by somebody. I've been wrong on that one too, dammit.

All these bullshit will stop. I am a sentimental person but I am never weak like that. In fact, it has stopped on Saturday already, when I actually crawled out of my hole to go to a party that I initially said no to. It wasn’t easy, being in the company of a big group again having to mingle and be friendly and attentive and all, but I did it and I had a good time. Felt like I have been ‘away’ for a while, and for the first time in months, I felt like I have landed back on earth again.

I still miss my friend. I truly do. In fact, I woke up with that shitty feeling again this morning, but I am not going to indulge anymore, and definitely no more moping around. What’s the point at all when I am the only one doing it? I should stop living in denial too. Everything changed since the very first time I opened myself up. I have been turned down, bailed out on, treated like a kid and all. I could write you off as one of those dogs I have met in my life but I won’t do that. No I won’t, although I should. After all, what I said has always been true and that will never change.

Those three simple words, once said, might actually be forever.

It is a scary thought, I know. But what do you do? I'll deal.

Clara says she still catches me looking out of the windows in that direction. I don't know if I am though. Well, what the hell can I do when my place is pretty much a glass box? I told her I am fine, I don't know if I am. In any case, I've spent enough time moping that's for sure.

I am not sorry either. Love is something that one should never be apologetic about. You only feel stupid, but never sorry.

I have never missed someone so badly too. So this is how it feels like.

The present has been returned. They call it the little blue box, but I might say it’s a little green box. Our silly little debate on what’s green or blue is all history now. It’s hardly funny anymore. I have wanted it for myself, but still returned it anyway. Some things were never meant to be mine anyway.

As for the book, I will keep it for myself. Maybe Salinger wasn’t meant for you after all.

Walking past Hairy Canary, I got reminded of our first drink. I felt the stab but I stopped myself from thinking. I won’t even give it a second look.

As for all those times we have run into each other, it’s time to bring back the cynical side of me and rule them off as sick jokes rather than signs. I mean, we could bump into each other hundred times more but what difference would that make when I am the only dreamer here?

Twice today, the stranger standing next to me has the same name as you. That's a sick joke too.

I have done nothing wrong and I don’t deserve to be the one suffering. All I ever did was just being too honest and hopelessly hopeful, although I do deserve to be mocked at for being such a wuss.

Somehow, I still think that one day we'll be cool again, sharing a drink, going on a trip or simply just mucking around again. That’s a fat hope I reckon. I don’t even know how we could remotely do it without the awkwardness and all. Not so much on my part really, since I am the one who’s being put under the microscope here. I don't mind being the silly one, but just hate it when people think I am hanging around hankering after something. I won't turn love into hatred yet, that will be childish. I am just sick of it, is all.

Once I feel like I am selling out, I will just fuck it.

But that’s just growing up and owning up. Other than that I’m still the same skinny fool learning about love in a different kind of school.

The smell of spring is in the air again, if only our friendship could last into this wonderful season. It seemed like it was up to me, but was it really? Nah, I don’t think so. I almost needed a queue number just to see you again. That’s hardly considered a friendship at all. Plus the fact we live right across from each other, that makes it doubly ridiculous. Always going by your schedule? That’s bullshit too. I am better off without that really.

You run into something, you harbour all the fantasies and dreams about it, and then you put your heart and soul into it, and even foolishly wear your heart on your sleeves. Before you know it, reality hits you hard and the ending is nothing like what you expected. Of course, you are allowed to feel bitter about it, be all depressed or indignant even.

You could feel or say anything. Anything really, except for just one thing. You are not supposed to ask why. That, is something one should never do. It sucks, but that’s life. So yeah, welcome to the suck indeed.

"The ending of this song should be left alone
And so on 'cause the way it unfolds is yet to be told"